a few things I learned this weekend:

1. USE SUNSCREEN! Even if it's freakin' overcast you will get burned as I learned this weekend--my neck is now the color of an Oompa Loompa's face. Remember friends, Coppertone is your friend.
2. If you're gonna let sorority girls play football, expect there to be blood. It's funny that the most important rule in flag football was overlooked--that would be the rule of NO TACKLING!! I saw so many scratches, bruises and ripped clothing you would of thought we were in a Tibetan girls' prison.
3. Always make time to watch Bridget Jones' Diary. Thanks jaclyn for visiting (I miss you already, I'm having Rubio's withdrawls) and thanks michelle for feeding the colin firth addiction (we can bask further in our crush on thursday).
4. This shit is bananas...B-a-n-a-n-a-s! This song has been stuck in my head for ages (ok, maybe for only 4 days). And if you don't know the song, you may be completely confused as to why anyone would write this line. So if I told you that this song is by Gwen Stefani, then maybe it makes more sense. If anything else, at least we all know how to spell bananas.
5. Chocolate is my favorite drug. And I'm eating it right now. Which is why I'm in this silly writing mood. Oh thankyou God for Hershey's Milk Chocolate with Almonds. And Jenna is eyeing my chocolate right now. Too bad you're not getting any...you don't like almonds. Oh, cry me a river.

Ok, so that's all. I am now a well-informed girl. It's funny how much you can learn in a weekend. And because I really can't hold myself back, I'm gonna milk my birthday for all it's worth. 4 more days and I will be 20! (and Beth's birthday is on the 5th...woo hoo! march birthdays are the best). I hope this little list has revealed some highly intellectual information for you. At least I know it's gotten you to say "Ashley, you're such a dork!" Well this dork will be 20 soon, yeah!

I want a colin firth!

Oh man, I just watched Bridget Jones' Diary with Jackizzle and can I just say that I absolutely love that movie? It makes me laugh everytime.

I guess the reason I really love the movie is the whole love aspect of it. It's the idea that you can find someone so perfect for you in every way, someone who thinks that you're lovliest creature on the planet "just as you are."

I LOVE that line. "Just as you are." Say it again with me, come on.

But what do I really know about relationships? haha, all I know is that I've sort of always ran away from them. Everytime I let someone get close to me, I tend to push them away. I'm a good friend to my friends...I'm there for them when they need me, I try to make them laugh and I give them a thousand hugs when they cry. But when it comes to being a girlfriend for someone, I just chicken out a bit. I don't believe I will ever begin to understand why.

Oh well. Life is life and I think that I read way too much into it sometimes. I know that I should just "let life flow..." haha, that sounds so hippeish (let's tye dye something, shall we?). It's just that it's hard to be logical when emotions always want to take over.

Sometimes I'm just skeptical that I'll EVER find someone who I'll truly love. And let's not even go into marriage--someone for the rest of my life?

I told myslef, however, that I was giving up negativity for lent...so I'll stop all this analytical nonsense. In the end, I just want someone to wrap me up into his coat on a snowy day and just kiss me like Colin Firth did...for now I can just dream.

undo that corset...break free!

I am SO SICK AND TIRED of girls telling me that they look fat. SO tired of it!
I am SO TIRED of having to reassure girls that no, they do not look fat, and yes, they are beautiful. But they don't believe me. They just believe that they are decent, mediocre at best. WHAT THE FUCK?

Will someone please please please define "fat" for me...is it defined as being bigger than the skinny anorexic chick in Vogue magazine who eats half a celery stick and a raisin? Is it being a few pounds heavier than all the annoying movie stars who are magically airbrushed in all their pictures? WHY do we constantly have to feel like we're the ugly ones?

I know a lot of it has to do with impressing guys. I suppose we all know the formula goes something like this: a guy thinks we look hot=we get a boyfriend=we eventually get married=we have kids=our whole life depends on looking hot. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL? Who made that crap up? They should be thrown out into burning coal and shot. And then they should be shot again.

I say this with anger because I've felt it too. I've felt hideous and ugly and unwanted and unbeautiful and all those things...all because of this fucking standard we're told we NEED to live up to. The saddest part is that 95% of girls seriously go by this standard. We're all trapped, together, and only the trapped ones can truly change it. But how does one go about changing a system? We're drowning in our own pools of lip gloss and hair gel and face toner and there seems to be no way out. I DON"T know how to go about changing it.

The part that kills me is that the girls that told me they were getting "fat" are all so beautiful. They are all so smart and quick with jokes and caring and they have SO MUCH MORE TO OFFER than what they look like. And because this pool of beauty standards is keeping them all down and drowning their intelligent minds, they think that they're ugly people...even though they're BEAUTIFUL.

I don't really know where I'm going with this argument. It's not put together well, hell, I don't even think it makes sense. I'm just mad about all the crap girls have to go through everyday. If I sound like a feminist, so be it...I'll stop bathing for an added effect (haha, well maybe not, I love showers too much). I just want the judgement to stop, and for us (my friends and me included and all the girls of the world) to FINALLY realize that, yes, we are beautiful because WE SAY that we are. Not you, not the magazines, not any boys....just us and our shining personalities.

a good lyric:

"Are you gonna live your life
standing in the back
looking around?"

I always liked that line. It's speaks to me, shy little me. So, I'm going bowling tonight instead of slipping into bed (although I'm VERY tired). But, I might as well live life while I can. So I'm grabbing a Monster and going out for the night. Hehe, I know, bowling is not that daring. But hey, I'm exhausted, it's the best I can do right now. Yay for getting the lowest score cause I haven't played this game in like a decade! (and by the way I will be 2 decades old in about 6 days from now).

oh music these days (or in 1999)

Here are some highly innovative, remarkably creative lines provided to us by LFO. oh god, remember "Summer Girls":

"There was a good man named Paul Revere, I feel much better baby when you're near."

"I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike."

"I like the color purple, macaroni-and cheese"

"New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits, Chinese food makes me sick"

"Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets"

Listen guys, I don't think William appreciates you calling him "Billy." And what the hell does Paul Revere have to do with some chick your singing to? Lastly, you losers, you never stole my bike...you were too stupid to ever know how to ride a bike.

Thanks Deidra for playing this beautiful song. Oh how I wish I wrote it! You truly are a blonde at heart (haha).

Silencio!

I neeeeeeeeeeed quiet....sometimes I just want to tell the world to shut up. The traffic, the little "happy" birds, the talking, the clutter, the noise, this incessant typing on the keyboard...I just want to stand still in time right now. Why are there only 24 hours in a day? I know there is some logical response to this question, but logic is not always the answer to every question. Can't we make it 32 hours or something?

I just need some time for myself! I need time to just sit around and do NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. What's ironic right now is that I'm listening to Simon and Garfunkle's "The Sound of Silence." Please mr. paul simon, tell me where this silence can be found?

The world moves much too fast for me. I neeeeeeeeeeeed a break to just think.

Ok, one good thing did happen today. I declared my major (finally). But today I'm just a bit irritated. Irritated to where I want to throw things, big heavy things that will make a big sound when hitting the wall. Ohhh....like a glass vase filled with water and marbles. I always wanted to throw one of those.

Yes, I realize I sound INSANE right now!!!!! You are right Mr. Jagger, I CAN'T GET NO SATISFACTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh yeah, by the way my newly declared major is journalism. Now I just have to pick a minor (possibly poli sci?). Shoot me.

fight for your right

I just want to leave this message for a friend, who will reamin nameless (cause she might cut my throat and wrists for good measure if I post her name). But this friend was brave today, really brave to stand up to someone who upset her. Really, I wish I had the guts.
I am the queen of avoiding confrontation. It's sad, but I rely on the internet (e-mails, instant messenger, etc.) for confrontational purposes. In person is just too scary, tone of voice is still highly evident over the phone. Basically, the internet is the least confrontational you can get. But what does that make me? Someone afraid to really live life and really confront people...that's not per say a good quality to have.
So, to my friend that stood up for her rights today, good job! You may laugh at this but I aspire to be like you. And I'm getting better at this whole "communication" thing everyday. Oh, and thanks for helping me declare my major today :). Life is stressful; but at least you didn't let yourself go unheard.

oh john...

I can get lost in John Mayer's voice. Just take a dive into the velvety-smooth lusciousness of his raspy voice. It's not just him. It's Marvin Gaye too. The soul that exudes from Marvin is like a silky net. It truly captures me and keeps me captivated for hours. I love that about music. I love how it can relax me when I'm in the pissiest of moods.

My favorite is the piano. Have you ever heard the John Coltrane and Duke Ellington song called "In a Sentimental Mood?" Oh man...it's more than a song. It has an ability to carry me away to a place where no one can touch me. No hurt, no embarrasment, no tears--it's all taken away. Sometimes the things people say to your face are so hurtful. They claw at your skin, your sanity and feelings until you bleed out tears; tears that you never wanted them to see in the first place. Sometimes I seem happier than I actually am. I can't even tell you the amount of times someone has told me, "You're never sad ashley!"

Well of course I get sad, you dumbass. Sometimes I feel like the lonliest person in the world, like I might as well be infected with a disease, cause no one wants to touch me. It's funny to say that out loud. Cause generally I am a happy person, and I realize my wealth and luck. I hate to say that it's "human nature" to feel depressed sometimes. It sounds like an excuse. But I do. Every now and then I get sad and I just cry. It's not that often, but it comes sometimes.

I guess the point of this post is to just vent the things that I never tell people. The mess of a web that I keep raveled up inside my stomach, that I NEVER let anyone hear. If I were to say it out loud, in front of someone...I may just cry and not be able to finish.

So, right now I'm listening to a song by counterfeit for the first time. And I really like it...it's really really good, and it's putting me in a good mood (thanks to my little anne). When I start to feel the way I explained above, really I turn to music. I turn to some friends also, but to be honest there are a limited number of friends that I can reveal such a dark feeling to--plus I hate piling my crap and complaints on other people. This is getting really long, so I'm gonna end it, but I'm happy to express it outloud. cause now "I feel good!" With thanks to James Brown.

Oh yeah, and john mayer is right, that sexy bitch! "I am invincible, as long as I'm alive!"

up at the crack of stefie (not dawn)

Today I woke up to the full moon of stefie's ass...um, thanks for that stefie. She has no shame...you might as well do a little dance for me while your naked. Geez, I can't believe I live in a sorority house sometimes.
Right now I should be studying for econ. But econ was created by Lucifer, I've decided, so I'm boycotting. I'll do my italian homework instead. Saying, "mi chiamo ashley. come stai?" sounds so much more beautiful than, "when the supply falls, the price rises." I'd rather make music with language than just throw it up, you know?
That brings me to the subject of poetry, which occasionally I do like to write, but hardly ever show. Basically, what if people think it sucks? But, whatever, here's a taste of what I wrote for a creative writing class before:

This fire that burns
can be seen in my eye
If you look upon the dark depths
of the pupil
that looks out on the world
You will see it--
the sparkling flame

The warmth inspires my skin to glow
I feel a new sensation
I feel a new beginning
I feel as though I could swallow
the world whole

This fire that grows inside
is taking over my body
and burning
down
the cold stone walls I used to hide behind
They melt
into a puddle of insecurities
that I now choose to walk over
and never wet my feet in again

This fire that is blazing
will cause a wild storm of flames
that will consume
you
in its path
That will cast my shadows upon the walls
I know that I am finally seen

I created
The tiny spark
That grew the flame
That started the fire
That you can see
in my eye
Just take a look

So there you go. Some girl in my class thought that the "fire" was love...uh, no girl, I have not been in love. Most of the class got it though (not like it's hard to get) and realized that it was about confidence. So, there's a bit of poetry for you people...thanks for listening! Ok, I'll put away my bongo and sunglasses now (once you stop snapping, that is)

smiles

today was a good day overall...it was simple. I had some coffee (mmm...with french vanilla cream), I had some laughs (yes, getting thrown out in the rain was actually fun, damn my roomates for creating good memories) and I had some good conversations with a variety of people today (morning to night). Thank you all very much for making my day. What would I do without all of you?

I'll get you my pretties!!!!

This is a warning for STEFIE, JAIME and DEIDRA:
I will get you back BISNATCHES for carrying me out in the rain, you FOOLS! I was all warm and toasty and now I'm shriveled, cold and shaking--like a little rat...that's not funny!!!!!!!!

Watch out in the middle of the night, maybe I'll shave an eyebrow, maybe I'll take some pictures (oh, blackmail is beautiful). REVENGE will be mine...my roomates are major bisnatches (fuck no to all of you)

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

spread the socialism

My rommate is reading the Communist Manifesto right now. Haha, Stefie...I thought you said you voted for Bush, suuuuuuuuuuuure...did you figure out that he was just too stupid to run the country? (sorry jaclyn, I know you keep telling me that "W" is for women)

To Enrique, Christina, and Stalin...let's take over Jamacia next (I want to get a tan)...we'll spread the socialist agenda. Oh, I miss all the socialists. Now lets break into a Diana Ross and the Supremes song...

I'm blushing!

I have a bit of a problem; it comes with being shy. I get emabarrased easily. For many of you this is not a problem, but for me it happens all the time. And the new red-pinkish color in my cheeks is not the only thing that comes from being embarrased for me. My negative thoughts do too...and I need to stop that. I get embarrased, I linger on the situation and then rememeber the worst part of the whole ordeal. Why the heck do I do that? I need to learn how to move on form situations.
The speaker from last night made a good point. He said, "negativity doesn't pull you through." So, in case any of you were wondering, that's what I gave up for lent: negativity. Hopefully I can train myslef to give it up after lent too.

However, there was a time in my life where I never took chances and therefore never got embarrased. So this is a new experience for me...I'm proud that I've become more confident to approach that waiter that I think is cute and tell him that (and ask for his picture, I actually did that, it was a big step for me) or to just act dorky in general--because that's the real me. I'll always be a little bit of a nerd, so I might as well face it. At least (and I'm thinking positively) I'm blushing because I'm actually living life. I'm making mistakes and becoming embarrased, but at least I'm living my life to the fullest.

inhale...ahhhh, that feels better

Woo hoo! Today is over with, I'm very happy about that. I just finished my econ quiz online. What an evil class!!! Who the hell cares about supply and demand? The devil, possibly.

Can I just say that Elton John is my hero? "Benny and the Jets..." what a great song. And it's a great excuse to stutter! Besides, I have a fondness for gay boys. Yes, sorry to break it to you, Elton John is gay.

Today I went to a speech about alcohol awareness. It was given by a man that lost his sight due to an accident by a drunk driver. It was more than that, though. The accident broke EVERY bone in his face. The plastic surgeons told his parents that reconstructive surgery would take 25 hours. And this is the part that kills me, they said to the parents, "there's just one problem, we don't know what you son looks like, so could you bring in a picture?" His face was that broken up.

Sometimes I take a look at my life and realize that I'm really really lucky. And I'm not even appreciative. I'm just a spoiled brat sometimes. The saddest thing is that I take tons of things for granted and complain about things that I don't have. What more could I ask for? (except for a simple hello from a guy I think is really cute--jaclyn would agree, hehe). You see? The simple things bring me happiness and solace.

So yeah, tonight I'm just taking a break from the string of complaints that's going wrong with my life and cutting that string in half. Man, I seriously have it made. Plus Jaime gave me a "smart cookie award," that's reason enough to smile!

"looks like you've got a case of the mondays"

Today is gonna be one of those days where I can't really breathe. In an indirect way I'll be breathing for everyone else. I swear! Every minute is taken up today, and I can't call any of them my own. Days like these make me sad sometimes, because really I enjoy being lazy. But at least today will go by quickly, then tuesday will come--thank God for tuesday!

I hate to resort to lyrics made from a poppy 80's hit, but we were, as well "made in the 80's" so we can't complain about not liking that decade:

"It's just another manic monday
I wish it were sunday
That's my fun day
My I don't have to run day
It's just another manic monday..."

my new years resolution, apparently:

In the year 2005 I resolve to: Be kinky more often. Get your resolution here.

So, I suppose it's time for me to dust off those handcuffs that I own (everyone that knows me well is just like "riiiiiiiiiiiight, ashley"). And I'll make sure to take out that chocolate sauce...only Nestle for you baby! High class...

ohhh...the joy of fat

I just downed like 5 chocolate chip cookies and I'm reallllllllllllllly happy. I will never EVER like low fat crap...I mean, if you're gonna eat ice cream in general, why waste it on the nasty imitation stuff?

Today wasn't too hectic for me. Went to work, came back to school, went on walkarounds/drivearounds (it's a sorority thing for those of you who don't know) and now I'm back here, eating my cookies. Sundays are definitely laid back days that make me really happy. Sundays are like chocolate chip cookies. If we took Sundays away, I wouldn't have a day to relax. So thanks God for "resting on the 7th day."

Oh, by the way, God...you knocked up my friend Jaime and she's having the 2nd coming of Jesus (haha, Jaime, I told you I would put this in here). But besides that, yeah, Sunday is a day of rest.

And I just realized that this post is a REALLY random compilation of thoughts, but I'll blame it on those cookies.

For my sisters: FUCK YEAH DRIVEAROUNDS!!!!

writing can be so therapeutic

A year ago, in my RWS 100 class, I had no idea that I was planning on becoming a writer. That is, until my RWS teacher (Mr. Kline) decided to give us our 1st assignment. It was to be an analytical piece on anything. I was confused...there were no guidelines, no path to help me along the way? Nope, no guidelines.

So I asked Mr Kline (whom I always wanted to call Calvin Cline) "How many pages does it have to be?"

He answered, "However many you want."

I was going crazy at this point. I continued with a question I thought I would get an answer for, "Well, then, how many paragraphs?"

Again, he answered, with a little smirk on his face, "however many you want." He then proceeded to go into a speil about how highschool teachers always forced a template on us, the dreaded 5 paragraph essay, and how that just doesn't work for everyone.

I hate to sound over-dramatic, but that day I was enlightened. I went home and wrote a kick-ass essay that was something like 15 paragraphs long. Some paragraphs were one word, some were one page. But my argument was complete, and exactly the way my mind works.

So, yeah, I like to write. I'm not perfect at it, definitely not. I need A LOT of practice. So I realize that I've been posting like crazy on this little blog. But it's been really fun. It's not always about venting for me, but about writing in general. I'm just really happy that I'm excited about writing again...even if the career field is highly competitive, maybe with practice I can create some of the competition.

above and beyond

I was driving home today from work when I looked up at the sky for a split second. It was one of those peaceful moments, where nature kind of takes over your body and the air around you suddenly feels so fresh.

I saw the rain clouds above me, a massive presence in the sky. But stretching beyond the gray mist, I could see the clear atmosphere, adorned by twinkling stars. At that moment I wanted to fly into the night air--past the turbulence of the clouds and into the peaceful galaxy. I always wonderend what it would be like to glide through open, crisp space. For a passing moment I was there.

But, then I snapped out of my little dreamworld and realized it would be best to pay attention to my driving :). geez, I'm an accident waiting to happen.

rain, rain, go away

Usually, I like the rain. But San Diego has now had its fill of water falling from the sky (pretty soon us San Diegans will just wonder if the apocalypse is coming).

Please, mr. sun, come out and tan my pasty white legs. Sun= getting ice cream on a hot day = pure happiness

work sucks

NO! I do not want to go to work today. I take great pride and tremendous joy in being lazy. And customers are little bitches. They are spoiled rotten bitches who have nothing better to do than to argue with me over a 30 cent discount. That just kills me. We should ship those spoiled bitches to Cuba where Fidel Castro can work his magic and castrate them.

Ok, so maybe I'm being harsh. But people and their spoiledness get on my nerves sometimes. Learn some humility, bitches, and take that gigantic stick out of your asshole--it's been up there for way too long.

Ok, I feel better now.

tell me why, please?

Why is it that boys feel that they can attempt to make out with you within the first 3 minutes that they meet you? Do they think that I am a blow up doll that they can just use? And please don't tell me if you actually own a blow up doll, that's just disturbing.

I realize that these boys that I'm talking about were frat boys. For many people, that explains a lot. While some frat boys are nice, smart and caring (like 3% of them), the vast majority of them never ceases to amaze me with their lack of intellect or lack of regard for other human beings' feelings.

Just because I dance with you, that DOES NOT mean that you have the right to feel me up or try to slobber on my neck. Just because I say hi and ask what your name is, that DOES NOT mean that you should immediately proceed to hit on me. And dammit, learn some better lines...you don't sound suave, nor do you come off as appealing.

I want a guy that can talk about politics with me and tickle me at the same time. I want a guy that adores me so much, he'll wait for that kiss, and not try to force it on me. I want a guy that wants me for more than just a passing sexual desire popping up in his pants.

NO, I will not have sex with you. That's being saved for someone important to me. That's being saved for love.

I make no apologies for this post. This is the way I am and if you don't agree, don't date me! No one wants to be lonely, but if I die a "spinster" (thanks Bridget Jones) because of my standards, at least I'll have my dignity.

fun words

you know what a really fun word to say is?

Megalomaniac.

Come on, admit it, you like it too. Just kind of rolls off the tongue. Plus, I'm a fan of Incubus...they reintroduced this magnificent word back into the college vocabulary where it would normally be lacking. Thankyou.

dedicated to michelle

Sorry, michelle. It'll probably pain you to hear this since you refuse to take compliments of any sort. And it may be mushy, but I enjoy telling my friends how cool/special they are (and no I do not mean special ed). Besides, I wouldn't waste my time with you unless you were able to fill it with interesting conversation (which you do a good job of). I just want to let you know that you are smart, funny, cute and one of the classiest girls that I know. Sometimes you like to be overdramatic (and it's entertaining), but it shows that you are a caring intelligent person and you're not afraid to express it. Ok, I'll stop with the compliments before you excessively roll your eyes.
The best thing about this post is the fact that you can't erase it. Yeah, you can leave a comment and argue, but you can't erase it or pretend like it didn't happen. Hehehe. How do you like them apples?

Jagged edges

Forget freshly manicured nails, I'm wearing chipped red nail polish and I'm lovin' it! By the way my roomate Krissy has The Plague, that whore better not spread it to me. Do you hear that Krissy!!! I'll have to put a hex on you!!

Time for rehab

yes, I will admit it--I am a caffiene addict. It's not my fault though. The addiction began back in 5th grade, when my best friend's mom would take us to Starbucks (back before it was a freakin' monopoly) and get us Mocha Frappacinos. Oh, the whipped cream frozen goodness of frappacinos...it is an addcition.

But coffee is not the only thing I am addicted to. Here are a few others:

• English, Austarlian and South African accents: I've had this conversation with michelle before, that 1.American accents sound dumb and 2.these three accents just may be the sexiest EVER (you can throw in Scottish and Irish as well). Yep, I'm addicted.
• The color purple: you see, the "green" phase has gone a little too far. Pink makes me gag sometimes. Yellow is happy, but a little too bright in the morning. All the colors have something to offer, sure, but they can't beat purple. Purple is everything that I love. It is deep, beautiful, thoughful, luscious and sexy all wrapped into one pretty little color. Anything purple I love and must have. Yet another addiction.
• Orlando Bloom and Heath Ledger: there are a few other boys you could put on this list, but these two are my absolute favorites. Tall, sexy, beautiful boys with (gasp!!) accents. Why can't all men look like them? Dress them tuxedos and I'll faint. Passing out is a sign of a addiction, no?
• Writing: the problem is that I don't read nearly as much as I write, I need to fix that problem. But, alas, writing can console the saddest of days and release anger built up in you the size of Africa. It is an outlet for pressure and passageway for others to see the real you. Poems are some of my favorite things to write. Writing is like a pill. I must be a pill popper. My mom would be proud :)
• Traveling: I LOVE learning about other cultures. Being an American, I'm THIRSTING for culture, it's the one thing our country truly lacks. Going to Turkey has taught me what tradition is really about; going to England has showed me history that I can reach out and touch. It's exciting and I need MORE!! I want to go to Italy, France, Scotland, Australia...heck! I don't care, send me to Antartica in a canoe. Any new experience is addicting to me.
• Sarcasm: I hate it. I would never be addicited to that crap.

There are other things I could have put on this list. These are the things that stand out in my mind and captivate me at the moment. They are truly addicting to me and I can't get enough! Well, enough about my addictions. It's time to go to the store and buy fake guns for our mafia-inspired exchange with a fraternity. Doesn't that sound classy? haha...oh the sarcasm kills me!

Am I ever productive?

Well, I'm sitting here listening to "All I Want for Christmas is You." Seeing as Christmas is quite a ways away, I've decided that, nope, I'm not being very productive.

I don't know when I'll ever get really serious about school. It's not that I don't try hard or even that I don't care, it's just that I feel too young to get serious about a career. So, here I am, halfway through college, not knowing where I wanna go in life. But what do they want from me? I'm only 19 years old!!! Not 30, not experienced in any other field besides being a cashier, not completely mature and NOT READY TO PICK WHAT I WANT TO DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!

I know that that's a little drastic considering at any point in my life I can switch my career to whatever I want. It's not like my decision now will be set in stone or burnt into my arm (just say no to branding!). I just don't like being so undecided and uncertain about something so important. It's like losing all control. No human being can stand that.

The problem is that i'm WAY too over-analytical. I need to just slap my hand and stop it and take a breath and sit back and relaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax. whew! I guess we never know what tomorrow will bring, and it scares me to the very bone. But in a way, it also makes things exciting. Life is a bitch sometimes.

just the beginning...

It seems these little online sites are popping up everywhere nowadays. hmmm...is it just a trend? Well, more like a high tech futuristic journal, no? Well, anyway, I decided to ride the wave and try it out myself. Why? Maybe cause I remember my creative writer teacher say that every writer needs "practice, practice, practice." Maybe it's because I get bored sometimes. Maybe it's becuase I've always been the girl to listen but never tell. I don't even know if I'll ever tell anyone I'm keeping this site, cause that would entitle me to let them into the innerworkings of ashley (or "ashley j" as many call me). But maybe I'll just be brave and let my feelings go...so here's the beginning. Who knows when we'll reach the end. Arrivederci, for now.