4.29.2005

Smiles

So that guy came by last night, a little late, but came by none the less. (apparently 8-ish means 8:00 plus 3 hours, whatever!). So I was mad at first about that. My military father always told me to be on time.

Anyway, that's beside the point. The point to this story, you may ask?

I was nervous.
I told him I like him.
He smiled.
He told me he likes me back.
I gave him a hug (although I know he wanted a kiss)
But he didn't push a kiss (which makes me like him more)

Hey now! This whole "telling someone you like them" thing is a big step for a shy girl. But I said it first, bitches! And now I've got the most sickening smile on my face. Yeah, but I'm smiling.

What a drastic change from last week.

4.28.2005

Me and My Nervousness

I'm a little nervous to be alone with guys, is that stupid? Not guys really, but guys that I like. I get one of those butterfly deals in my stomach. I'm not even hungry right now cause of my nerves. My dorky ways are so embarrasing sometimes to admit.

But as I was telling Rachel, being nervous may be what makes it fun. Being nervous adds to the lightheaded-ness of a crush. Maybe I wouldn't have it other way.

My stomach is in knots right now.

I can't stand the rain (super duper fly)

Oh yeah, it's raining outside. And I'm listening to Missy Elliot's "I Can't Stand the Rain." It's only fitting.



How is the sky falling in April...in SAN DIEGO! Craziness, Dude. (or is that normal? We've gotten so much rain this year, everything is blending together. And I bet people in England and/or Wisconsin and other rainy states are telling me to shut up right about now).


Give me a freakin' break! I'm from San Diego. I can't even find my umbrella.

4.27.2005

Jane Austen is my homegirl

oh morning, sweet glorious morning. I started off the day by reading some Pride and Prejudice, Michelle you'd be proud. I love the language in that book. I wish that we talked all 18-century-ish today, that would be cool. We could be eloquent bad ass mo-fo's.

It's rainy/sunny? today. It's confusing me a bit. Should I put on a sweater or should I sport a tank top? Decisions, decisions...hmmm. As you can see, life is pretty easy for me today. No stress on my shoulders, no tears weighing down my feet. Yay for wednesdays that are easy as sunday morning. :)

While you're at it, if you haven't already seen this site, check it out, fool! It makes no sense and it makes me happy. A good combination. Jane Austen might agree.

4.26.2005

Whoa!

Wow, Dick Murphy resigned today. Maybe I can become mayor...hehehe, ok maybe not. That's craziness though.

San Diego should be mayor-less, we're laid back enough to handle governing ourselves, supposedly.

Stay away from freezers!

Ah, sweet sleep. I got plenty of it last night. That makes me a happy camper.

I have an italian test today, it's gonna be a hard one. So OF COURSE instead of studying I choose to write in my blog. But writing in my blog makes me a happy camper as well, therefore, the writing continues.

On a more disturbing note, this is REALLY gross. What us WRONG with people? What the HELL could posess you to do this? Well, of course...the story eludes to money. In many cases like that, money is the cause. I don't know why I shared this story with you, it pretty disgusting. I was just amazed that crap like this still goes on the world. I guess I shouldn't be that amazed anymore. Stories like this make me not want to have kids. I don't want my kid keeping me in the freezer!

Anyway, I really gotta study. Geez, I'm good at this procrastination thing. I should consider it for a career. Except, it doesn't make you money. Aw, shucks! Too bad. Maybe I'll just open up a fruit stand on the side of the 8, under an overpass, you know? Sounds like a plan.

4.25.2005

Tonight is a good night:

I feel accomplished
I feel pretty
I feel happy
I feel my cheeks blushing
I feel like dancing (if only it were raining outside, that would be cool)

I feel the life coming back to me
Yes, sometimes life can be good

And a cherry on top!

oh gee golly willikers. When will the madness and hectic-ness stop? I will be REALLY freakin' happy when school is OVER. Until then, this site will remain a place for me to purge my stress and tears. A catharsis of sorts.

I'm deciding to skip my first class today. I know, bad Ashley, BAD! But Mondays are extremely suffocating for me. So I'm making room in my lungs, I'm creating more oxygen by not going to this class. I need a break from it all, really.

What sucks is that each semester brings with it a harder class than the ones before. It's like some kind of cruel joke. But I guess I saw it coming.

It's really hot today and all I REALLY want to do is sit outside, get a tan, and have an ice cream party. Where's the sprinkles?

4.24.2005

Stuff your ego up your ass!

I HATE I HATE I HATE when people have egos the size of Antartica plus Africa plus Spain. It bugs the shit out of me. An example?

When I was in highschool, I had the "joy" of being in yearbook. "Oh how fun and delightful!" You might say, but no, it was no where near either of those choices. Yearbook=hell on earth. Why? Cause the advisor thought she was oh-so-smart (she wasn't) and oh-so-wise (she definitely wasn't). All she ever cared about was winning awards--our creativity was squelched. We had to follow exact guidelines that created a path to First Place. Her ego took over our Yearbook, and the yearbook turned out ugly, dull and not worth a second glance. I hate that with a PASSION. And to this day, I'm not that fond of rewards and recognition.

So, again today, I had to deal with egos at work. Really, these people should read the Greek Myth on Icarus (sp?). Their pride is definitely creating those wax wings, and when they attempt to fly, they'll find themselves falling into the ocean. If I told those fools at work not to fly too close to the sun they probably wouldn't get it anyway.

I'm not really mad at anyone; I really do love everyone at work. I just want people (and the world) to see that this crap creates wars, tears and scars. Why must we as human beings be so prideful? I know, it's human nature, yada yada yada. And this is why a socialist society would never work, yada yada yada. I know all of this.

But whatever. Life would be so much easier if pride weren't in the way.

4.23.2005

Lifting the Rock

It's funny how you don't see yourself grow, it just kinda happens.

haha--I don't mean grow inches-wise, but grow inner-strength-wise.

I am so much stronger and confident than I ever was before. I still have a lot to work on, I still have insecurites that eat away at me, of course. That's pretty normal, I believe.

There used to be a 2 TON rock I used to hide under, a means to being shy and staying shy. Slowly, I've been able to lift that rock and gain muscles while at it (well, if you could lift a 2 ton rock, you WOULD gain muscles). This rock has forever been barricading me--cause that's what shyness is, a baracade from outside contact, a sort of shield from the real you. Well, I'm removing that rock, and becoming stronger. It's a good feeling to know that eventually I'll be able to fling that rock into the ocean and wave goodbye to it forever.

So that's my rock/shyness/gaining confidence meatphor for ya. Did ya like it? Somewhat? Ok, I'll take that.

And by the way, today has been better than the rest of my week. Eh, you have your good weeks and you have your bad weeks. That's what life's about, taking the good with the bad and other over-used cliches like that. If I didn't have crappy days, I wouldn't enjoy the great days. I think most of you would agree with that.

4.22.2005

My Brain Hurts...

So this has been a pretty stressful week for me. I felt like pulling my hair out of my head several times--yeah, it was one of those kind of weeks. I hate being in a lingering bad mood; you know, one of those moods that no one can get you out of no matter what they say? Yeah, I wasn't my usual self this week.

But, I feel better now. Maybe cause it's the end of the school week and things are a little less hectic. Really, I can't wait till summer. I need a long resting period.

I was sorry to miss Michelle's confirmation, cause that's a really special event. I especially respect the fact that Michelle chose to wait for her confirmation when it was right for her instead of falling into the pressure of doing it with everyone else. You get a thumbs up for that, Michelle.

Anyway, right now I'm drinking my Pepsi (at 10 at night!) and not doing much. My mind is aching a bit from the week, but I'm alive. That counts for something, right?

4.21.2005

Influences...

I really am having mood swings, i think. Maybe I should be in a Midol commercial complaining about my PMS. Except, I don't even have that excuse right now. At the moment my fluctuating mood is positioned on calm. I feel calmer today, and more relaxed.

It's funny how much your mood can change over one person...well, school work on top of that, but essentially one person. How does one go about changing that type of influence? Or is it unchangable?

Speaking of influential people, let's talk about our new friend Benedict the 16th. I haven't been watching in the news lately so I just found out today that the Pope used to be in a Nazi youth group. Hmm...that's quite interesting. Now I know this man has changed his ways, I understand that, but I can't overlook the almost funny, completely ironic fact that he was JP deuce's (john Paul II) friend. A conversation between the two would go something like this:

JPII: So, I know that you tried to take over my country at one time. And those death camps you set up on my land, yeah, I didn't appreciate those so much. Nope, not at all.

Bennythe16th: Yeah, sorry bout that. I was young and foolish, and loaded with a rifle. But I'm a changed man! Sorry I tried to kill off your people and take over your country. I hope we can be friends!

JPII: Yeah, we can be homies. We'll roll in the same gang. No hard feelings for your people's desire for world domination.

Yeah, it would go something like that, I'm sure.

4.20.2005

Where is the sun?

I think I'm having mood swings. I feel a bit emotionally drained. I just want a hello or a hug. I think I'll go to bed early tonight to ease worries and fears that I like to keep inside my chest, next to my heart--incessant beats and incessant thoughts. I'm not depressed, I know I sound lackluster, it's just one of those days. I guess I said that about yesterday as well.

I just want the work to stop piling and my mind to stop racing. Just taking a moment to breathe helps a lot. I wish I were on an island paradise right now, breathing the fresh sea air and just lying in the sun. I want a sun in my life, something to sustain my worlds together and keep everything gravitationally aligned. I want the warmth to surround me at the moment. Where is that sun I want to find so badly?

Embracing my Irrationality

So I talked to Jenna today and she made me feel a lot better about my aggression last night. I wanted to punch a wall or something last night, but now I'll just settle for a pillow. She helped me realize that it's normal to go crazy every now and again and in fact humans must allow themselves to go through that process in order to be sane. So, in fact, it's quite rational to be irrational sometimes. If that makes sense. :) I feel better now.

tear me apart

I need to stop doubting myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhh...don't you just have those moments where you just feel like crying? Being a girl is a pain in the ass sometimes dammit. This is where my insecurity lies. I feel completely vulnerable and naked and cold saying that out loud.

Hopefully tomorrow turns out better.

4.19.2005

Contemplations on a Hazy Day

I'm having one of those lazy, I-just-wanna-lounge-around, un-made-up type of days. My hair is tangled up in a mess, but I kinda like it like that :).

Alas, I lost the pope pool. I thought I had this one in the bag! So I guess "Benedict the 16th" is taking over now. I'm a little surprised that we're giving Germany any sort of power. hehe...my friend Deidra said that she'll give the Germans a chance. That's when Jenna cleverly answered to a blonde, blue-eyed Deidra that she would have given them a chance the 1st time, cause she would have been safe. This is true, this is true.

I really need to get myself into gear. The end of the semester is coming and I need to work harder in all my classes. I hate having a 3.2, I know I can do better. Don't you hate that? I hate knowing I could do better. Why am I so darn lazy? Well, anyway, class is coming up soon, and I'm not gonna skip it. I NEED to go and I NEED to do well.

about economics...

I forgot to mention...I got an 80% on my econ test...this is an improvement for me, definitely. I never thought I would be so happy to get a B-. It's kinda sad. And today I go to econ to attempt to learn some more of that boring crap, and my teacher says "well, this is a really heard chapter coming up and most students do badly on it, but good luck." Thanks professor jackass. Like I needed to hear that. But I won't let that stop me. I realllllly want to pass this class so I don't EVER have to take it again. Please God, I promise I will be a better citizen (haha, I sound so very desperate right now).

4.17.2005

A Deep Sunday Night

Looking past the stars and black night-time clouds, I had a humanly moment and wondered a bit about God. What exactly does He want from me? It's a weird thought to know that someone knows my next move in life before I do...it would be easier to have answers revealed, but not as beneficial, of course.

I have friends that don't believe in God. I don't think I could ever understand this. I know I was raised in church, and there are plenty of arguments as to why God doesn't exist. But the reassurance that moves my beliefs cannot be backed by scientific reasoning. Just like love cannot be backed by science.

There are just things in life that science can't give answers to. Like, why did my mom have two miscarriages before me, what makes me the lucky one? And how can someone believe that when we die that's just it? An example as to why I cannot believe this one is found in my grandmother. She was a woman filled with such exuberance, love and energy, I refuse to believe that all the energy just disappeared. I don't believe life like that cannot just vanish like it was never there. To me, when that energy leaves the body, it has to go somewhere.

So, there are my random ramblings on God. I don't believe that religion is something that can be explained through numbers or equations...it goes deeper than the letters or numbers a pencil can create (or this keyboard). It's a belief that rooted in the ground of the oldest, wisest trees and the deepest soil. Something I cannot explain or even completely comprehend. It is something only that God knows and something I will know only when I die...

A recap of the weekend

It's the morning right now and all is still. I'm not exactly a morning person, but I like this. It's like the air is preserved in a glass case, and I'm living in it. Sometimes silence makes me incredibly happy.

I went to a club last night for the first time. You wouldn't exactly call that a silent place. I love to dance, but I wasn't really feeling the scene last night (I hate that cliche, sorry). Some Marines tried to hit on us. That's when I proceeded to tell one of those suckers that the Navy is better. That part was fun.

On a different note, I have a fun bruise on my arm from going shooting. It's like a battle wound, I love it. It's pretty entertaining to tell people that you've shot an assault rifle and watch the looks on their faces. And then they say something to the effect of, "Ashley, you shot a gun?"

Fuck yeah I did. This has been an interesting weekend to say the least. It puts a smile on my face.

4.16.2005

Tearing down the house

Really, why must I be over-analytical? It's a blessing when in comes to essays, I know. But when it comes to life, I end up scaring myself by thinking too damn much.

It's happening now...I think I'm afraid of relationships. Such questions that repeat over and over in my mind are: does he really like me? Is he really over his ex-girlfriend? Does he really like me for me or because he thinks I'm cute? Seriously, anyone could be cute. People call pitbulls cute. Does he think I'm too young? And most importantly, am I going to get hurt?

I scare the shit out of myself with all these things. And I scare myself away from that person. But this time it's different. This time I really like the guy. And this time I guess I'll just wait and see what happens before scaring myself out of the thought of a relationship.

All I know is that I like to be around him and he makes me laugh. That's enough of a foundation for now. I just need to learn to stop chipping away at the foundation before the house is built.

4.15.2005

Tax Day is Killing ME

My parents are pissing me off today over taxes....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. My taxes are probably lost, and it's a long story as to why, so I won't go in detail. I don't even know what the IRS does if you don't turn in taxes. Those suckers owe me money anyway.

It's alright though. Today I'll get to let out some aggression while going shooting. Yeah, you may laugh, but I'm gonna try to handle a gun. The gun will probably be handling me. Daniel (a good friend of ours) is taking us to the desert, packing us with guns and letting us blow up shit.

Ah, the beauty of it all. Holy shit I am excited. Maybe I shouldn't hold onto a gun while I'm mad? Oh well...April 15th sucks...and to think, I was supposed to be born on this day.

4.14.2005

Look Mom, I'm accomplished (or decisive)

I declared my minor today (hells yes poli sci). Thanks Michelle for kicking me to do it today. You were like, "Just do it ashley!" Yes Ma'am Michelle.

So, dude. I have my minor and my major declared. Someone give me a dollar. I didn't know this day would come.

Today is a nice day. Still waiting on my econ grade. That will decide my mood for the rest of the day. *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

Thoughts on Econ...

So I just took my Econ test and it wasn't that bad...that's saying A LOT coming for me. The subject is still evil; however, what helped me out the most was the review session given by the amusing T.A., who uses cooler examples than wheat and the car industry. Why couldn't he have been my teacher? His little hour session taught me more than I've learned this whole semester.

I shouldn't get my hopes up too high, though. I haven't seen my grade yet. If I make it in the B range, I think I may just do a little dance.

My life will be back to normal when I can stop posting about Econ. Cause really, that's a depressing subject. Oh summer, where for art thou? I want some Cold Stone Ice Cream.

4.13.2005

This is what happens when you're bored--

You watch and try to sing the llama song. Which, by the way, is highly amusing after studying econ all freakin day long.

and on that note: I AM GOING TO KICK MY ECON TEST'S ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whew, now that I got that out of my system, I feel better.

Geez, I have the llama song in my head...

And the Clouds Parted...

My internet is fixed! But I think I should make a vow to lay off of it a bit.

On a different note, I know I always complain about how econ is an evil subject, and while it still is, I think a little better of it now. I went to a review session with one of the T.A.'s and he explained things in simple lay man's terms for me--that's what I NEEDED. I feel confident that I can pass the test...I'll shoot for a B, but an A would make my semester. We'll see, we'll see.

4.12.2005

What's your Guilty Pleasure?

I can't believe I'm going to give anyone evidential proof of me saying this (i.e. this blog), but I actually like some Ashlee Simpson songs. What the hell is wrong with me? As far as I know, I'm not coming down with any serious illnesses. It's just that Jessica's little sister thoroughly bugs the crap out of me. And she's not a great singer. And her lyrics aren't profoundly deep...but they make me laugh and are a blast to sing (or scream) at the top of my lungs.

Ahhhhhh....so this is the definition of a guilty pleasure.

Just to give you a taste of the lyrics, in case you haven't heard them playing over public airwaves 50 billion times, here's some lines from "Autobiography" :

Got stains on my t-shirt
And I'm the biggest flirt
Right now I'm solo but that will be changing eventually
I live more than I cry
You pissed me off...Goodbye!
Got bruises on my heart
And sometimes I get dark
If you want my Autobiography
Baby, just ask me
Like I said, not so deep, nope not at all. But it's one of those songs I like to bounce around and act stupid to (Along with Girls Just Wanna have fun and other assorted cheesy, over-produced 80's songs). Sometimes I just need a reason to act like an idiot. This is good reason, and it puts a smile on my face.

4.11.2005

How can you mend a broken heart?

Okay, okay. So my heart's not broken. But my computer is. That's basically the same thing. And okay, okay. My computer's not exactly broken, but my internet is. THE travesty! I just might cry right here.

It's really kind of sad how reliant I've become on the internet. I don't even think reliant is the right word. I don't actually need it. But, when you take it away, a part of me feels like it isn't functioning. Man, whatever happened to going outside to play a game of basketball? Now we insist on playing virtual basketball inside on our computers (and gambling, and word cross puzzles and any other thing your little mind could imagine).

How have I become so obsessed with the facebook and myspace? How is it that I've justified spending my free time inside on the internet when we're living in sunny-all-the-time San Diego? It's snowing in Colorado...did you know? They have a justified reason for staying inside. Me? Not so much.

Maybe my computer breaking is divine intervention. Maybe God is vicariously slapping me in the face through my broken computer to tell me that I have greater, better things to do. Maybe I'm just going absolutely insane because my internet is broken...hahaha, it's most likely the last one.
(and if you're wondering, I'm using the computer at my parents house)

So what shall I do today? Maybe read a book. WOW. Now that's one to write down in the record book.

4.09.2005

My Favorite Drug

It's funny how much fun I have with this little blog. It makes me happy. I've never been one to keep a diary for that long; I get bored just writing down sequential events...that just becomes a big clump of words poorly molded into a paragraph and called a diary entry. Unless you can make events interesting (in that case, my friend, you are talented).

The difference between a blog and a diary is that people have access to my secret thoughts. It's a little crazy that I even advertise this site, "ATTENTION: COME READ ASHLEY'S INNERMOST, SECRET THOUGHTS RANDOMLY SCRIBBLED DOWN FOR ALL TO SEE."

Seriously, I may be crazy.

What's funny is I've never been that much of an attention whore. I can make it being the girl in the background happily observing. I don't need much recognition or reassurance to know that I'm a cool chick (hehehe). But, somehow, I like this attention. Maybe it goes along with the fact that I want to be a journalist. I like bringing up random-ass thoughts and topics and seeing how people react to those thoughts. And I also like to be heard. I'm not the best at arguing verbally, but if we ever fight on paper, well, be prepared for some competition. If nothing else, I could kick your ass in grammar and spelling. Not that you care.

Obviously I don't reveal all my thoughts. I don't even usually reveal names that are critical to certain posts. I still am a relatively private person.

It's just fun (yeah fun) to come to a place and vent my feelings without interruption. So maybe I'll write 3 posts a day...if I feel like it, sure. In a way, it heals the insecurity within that I've carried. Not the insecure you're thinking of--I haven't been insecure about my looks for awhile (thanks Women's Studies!). I've just always been a bit insecure when it comes to trusting people. But, I'm working on that.

WOW. This has become a MONSTER of a post that I need to end. But this, along with all of the gazillions of stuff I have written, makes me a better, more understanding person each day. It keeps me sane during the madness. So thank God for it.

4.07.2005

What the inexperienced one has to say about LOVE

I saw Fever Pitch last night and LOVED it. Jimmy Fallon can be my husband, I've decided. He just doesn't realize it yet.

I've come to a realization in my head, after reading a part of Pride and Prejudice and discussing it with Michelle. It's the part where Darcy looks at Elizabeth from across the room and can't take his eyes off of her. Not because of beauty or any other superficial component, but because he's attracted to her personality.

I want that. It's nice to hear someone tell you that you're cute. I won't lie, it's really nice. But I would much rather hear that I'm funny or smart or endearing or any of those things having to do with my personality. The simple fact that looks fade leads me to want something more out of a relationship than sexual/physical attraction. I want to benefit from a person's personality and what they have to say about the world and how they'll enrich my soul. And hopefully I'll enrich theirs in return.

Is that so hopelessly romantic? Is that too much too ask? This is coming from the girl who has NEVER had a serious relationship. It's kind of like, who am I kidding? Will I ever have the guts to settle down or trust a person so very much to offer them my heart?

Wow, this may be a little too deep for me to ponder at 11:00 in the morning. I'll just end this post with Fever Pitch and Jimmy Fallon. I'll end it with the hopes of a relationship that I saw in that movie. I wonder what it would be like to have someone love you that much? I guess for awhile I won't know. We'll see.

4.06.2005

Bettin' High on the Pope

I had to write about this because it's hilarious. My roomates and I decided to bet on who would become the Pope next. I'm bettin' on the guy from Austria. hehe, it's a Pope pool and it makes me laugh.

I don't know if the Catholic church condones gambling, but this is quite amusing to me, none the less.

Not too stressed

It's getting to the point in the semester where professors insist on piling up the work. One thing I liked about highschool--if you had too many projects or tests on one day, the class could convince the professor to postpone a test. That was great stuff. You don't get that special treatment in college. But I'm preaching to the choir here.

Surprisingly, I'm not that stressed. I know, usually I am. That's what is weird. Just a few weeks ago I was ready to pull out someone's hair from the stress. But now I'm uncommonly calm. Well, I don't know if my Bob Marley-like mood is gonna last too long, but I'll enjoy it while I can. I swear I'm not taking drugs!

4.05.2005

I can see sunshine

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it in the air.

I also can't believe that there's only about a month of school left, and then I'l be a junior. When did the 1st two years fly by so fast? Hot tamale I'm getting old!

4.04.2005

wow

I just realized that I got the daylight savings time wrong (as pointed out by my roomates). It's really 8:00 and I'm tired.

THAT IS SO SAD!

Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep...

Dude, Daylight Saving's Day is kicking my ass! It's only an hour difference, you might say, but it's the difference between life and death for me! I adore sleep, I live for sleep! I can't even type very well right now...if only you knew how many times I've used my backspace thus far you would shake your head at me.

I will pass econ, I will pass econ, I will pass econ....I just keep telling myself that. Why must I take this pointless class?

I'm getting especially delirious right now. It's 9:06 but REALLY it's 10:06 right now. haha, I always do that after the daylight savings change. That means I'm tired at 9 pm! Go ahead, laugh at me! Call me grandma! I can take the insults!

I think I may want to watch love actually for the gazillionth time this week and "get the shit kicked out of me by love" as the little red head boy in the movie said. hehehehe, I giggle at that line. Maybe one day I'll actually allow that to happen.

4.03.2005

Starry Night

Tonight is a beautiful night
and the stars are telling me secrets
I was too young to hear before
A whisper slides by my ear
and it is a comfort
to know that I am loved

I see the sun in the distance
it gives me sustenance
I hold the spark of life in my hand
it creates a new excitement in my heart

I know that I am alive and well

4.02.2005

Critical Thinking by the Dashboard

It's funny how you think about life when you're driving. Seeing as I drove from Orange County to San Diego, there was a good hour and 20 minutes there for me to think about my life.

I've been told recently that I'm a guarded person, that I don't always express my emotions and that I use sarcasm to create a shield. This is something that I've known deep down, but never really contemplated.

For those who have known me longest and best, they have told me that I have become more outgoing and more comfortable with myself. Hmmm...it's funny how a person can be two extremes. Somehow I have figured out the art of being hot and cold at the same time. I guess I'm outgoing and ambitious with those that don't intimidate me. But when a scary/new occassion comes about, I put my sheild up so people can't judge the real me. That is changing, however, and the fact that I'm realizing it and writing it down for myself to see is a good improvement.

I'm writing this now because driving home this night, I suddenly had the feeling that I should learn how to let go. I had the urge to just let go of all my fears into the wild black air that surrounds Camp Pendleton--you know, the part where there's no surrounding lights, only surrounding nature. I wanted to release those fears so that they could be attacked by the wild air and off my shoulders.

In a lot of ways I'm like that stretch of land that is Camp Pendleton--hard to see and judge in the darkness, until you turn on a streetlight or lampost to reveal a spot of land. I need to reveal me. I guess, finally, I'm learning how to let go and let the real Ashley shine through.