11.30.2005

I'm Losing It

I really really really really really want Christmas Break to start. Too bad there are a whole bunch of finals to go through until that dream can come alive.







Until then, I will be eating a lot of chocolate. Chocolate keeps me sane. Or it makes me insane. Oh, it's one of those two.

11.27.2005

I Wish I May, I Wish I Might...

God I love stars. I love them soooooo very much. The only reason I would ever live in the country or on a mountain top would be to see as many stars as possible. They are gorgeous. And I am thoroughly entertained with the idea of dancing in the stars...maybe that's how my heaven will be.






These next three weeks will be hectic and packed with tests, essays and stress. But I will get through and then it will be Christmas Break...yay! And then spring semester will start, which I am excited for. Next semester will be a good semester. I can feel it. The stars tell me so.

Another good reason I am in a good mood right now? I'm playing Elton John, and he is great. If somebody ever serenaded me with "Your Song," I think I would just melt right there.

Ah...talking about Stars and Elton John. What a great combination. Sometimes I forget just how wonderful my life can be sometimes. All I have to do is take a look at the night sky with its sparkling companions, and I am reminded that it is indeed beautiful.

I love breaks.



Above is a picture of me and my nephew. For some reason we're sitting on the sidewalk taking a picture. Eh, that's what we do in California. Lounge about on sidewalks. We're cool like that.

Have I told you all before that my nephews have cute little English accents? All weekend I was making fun of how they say "lobster" and "Harry Potter" (while secretly being jealous that I don't have an accent like that). Sadly, they will lose their English accents since they now live in Santa Barbara. Bummer.

Overall, this weekend was extraordinarily lazy. This morning I watched the Lion King and The Little Mermaid in one sitting. What a great life. I wish that I could be a professional lazy person. I would be great at it.

And I always tell myself that I'll catch up on homework. haha. Right. Walt Disney made sure I caught up on my homework.

Though watching movies about Disney Love is not very fun. Love isn't that perfect, but those damn disney movies sure brainwashed us into thinking it is!! The Prince in the Little Mermaid is supposed to give Ariel the kiss of true love in three days? Three days?

haha. Maybe I'm waaay too cynical about relationships right now. But Dude--I want the kiss of true love from somebody I've known for only three days. Exactly--it's ain't gonna happen.

On the note of love, or crushes...this guy named Bryant at my work has a crush on me (you can tell when someone does, you know it) and, seriously..... he reallllllllllly needs to stop touching my arm every 3 seconds and attacking me with hugs every five minutes. Just stop harrassing me!! Maybe I'm just being a mopey, anti-love, cynical girl. But I'm not here to entertain someone else's fancy. And he's 17...can you say "jail bait" and " You're definitely not mature enough for me" all in one sentence? I can.

On a good note, the semester is almost finished. And that's good, cause I'm definitely worn out. That's my cue to go to bed. Yay for sleep!

11.21.2005

Can I get a straight jacket in purple, please?

I have mood swings, I swear! You people probably think I'm crazy.

Things are all better with my friend. Gee, talking about your feelings actually does work...how about that? Why do I freak out so much?

God. I am crazy. I need to sit my crazy ass down sometimes and just say "Listen crazy. Things are going to be ALL RIGHT. It will all be ALL RIGHT!!! So calm down.

You think I'm kidding. mwahahahahahahahahaha (cough) ha.

Oh god, I am SO ready for Thanksgiving!! But I have to study for an italian test first, so I'll get back to that.

Really, they should lock my crazy ass up.

11.20.2005

Warning: This is a depressing post...don't read it!

I hate confrontation! I hate it, I hate it, I HATE it!!!!!!!! I can't handle it and I hardly ever get into it (since usually I'm pretty mellow).

Today I told one of my roomates something that's been bothering me. And now I think I've offended her. But I didn't mean to. It was something that was making me feel uncomfortable. And I had to say it. I HAD to say it. But now I feel sick to my stomach.

I'm confident in a lot of ways, but obviously this is not one of them. I can't bring myself to tell people when somthing is bothering me, for fear of losing their friendship.

But isn't that sooo stupid? If they were my friend, they would care if something is bothering me. And I am a good friend. I'm not perfect. But I am a good friend. So I shouldn't be afraid of losing a friend over a stupid fight, right?

It sounds so logical to write it all out, but when you put it into real situations, it becomes the hardest thing ever. For me at least. WHAT is my problem? Why do I keep annoyances so deep inside of myself until I can't contain them any longer?? Why do I do this?????

I have to much on my mind this week. Too much to study for and too much to handle.

I know that this post is extremely depressing, and you should stop reading it.

But it is my mood. I've been a bit down lately, and I don't know why. And I don't like it.

THANK GOD thanksgiving break is coming. I NEED IT!!! I reallllllly do. I just need to relax my mind and heart and soul. I just need my parent's love to embrace me right now, cause I know their's is unconditional.

Doesn't my roomate know that I love her? That she is one of my best friends? And that I would be extremely sad if I ever lost her friendship?

Obviously, I don't get into fights often cause I'm making a big deal about this. I need to stop. I just needed to get it out.

Life is a huge pain in the butt sometimes. HUGE. It has to turn around.

Where is my sun? I need it to come out and warm my cold, inpenetrable skin. I need the color to come back to me.

11.19.2005

I just want to ask...

PLEASE tell me that none of you guys use horrible horrible pick up lines. PLEEEEEEASE.

Some lines I got last night:

guy: Why are you so cute?
my answer: Oh God.

guy #2: Do you have a boyfriend?
my answer: No.
guy #2: Yes! I feel like I can live now! ( I CANNOT believe he actually said this)

guy#3 (who was darker than me): Yeah, I have to say that I like white meat. (haha, this one actually made me laugh a little)

My answer to every question should be: ummm...you're not getting into my pants. Nice try though.

Why does anyone insist on using such cheesy lines?? I just don't get it.

11.16.2005

Too Much School Makes You Talk About Yourself in the Third Person

By recommendation of Michelle, I'm listening to the Pride&Prejudice soundtrack. And it is beautiful. And I loooooove pianos.

All this classical music puts me in a contemplative mood, so I shall comply and be contemplative:

I haven't been myself this week. I've felt a little inadequate. Slightly unhappy. Bored and restless. And all of the above.

I really think that I burnt myself out this semester. I gave too much to one activity (my sorority) and forgot to kind of focus on myself and my school. My sorority was a bit of a distraction, if you will. Although I still love it (and the people in it), it will be really good to not have a position next semester. I'm free to write for the paper. And have some time for naps. And have "Ashley-time." haha.

I'm not usually an unhappy person, just so you know...and I am taking into account the fact that EVERYONE is a bit burned out at this point in school. Not to mention that this has been my most trying semester. Ha! Who knew that upper division classes would be hard??? What a ridiculous idea!

Anyway, only I can change my attitude, so I will. And I will walk with a smile tomorrow...not a painted on smile, but an actual smile. It's about time. I've probably looked zombie-like this week, and that's just not Ashley's style.

Why am I talking in the third person?? Deliriousness, I say! I'll blame it on school.

11.15.2005

He said WHAT?

this little blog is like show and tell (well they all are, really).

Sooooo, I'm going to show you a clip of an e-mail my professor sent me. This is the professor that set up the job shadow I went on...here it is (Are you looking? Are you looking?):

...Also, heard from Jerry that your visit to the U-T the other day was a smashing success. I'm really pleased that you took the opportunity to go over there and hope it was a great experience for you.

And now I'm going to tell you about my excitement! Smashing success?? Wow....that made me smile when I read it.

SUPER SUPER SUPER cool. Oh...there goes my pride again. Gotta keep that in check. But....SUPER COOL!

Contemplation in a Bad Situation

So...I'm a little angry. But not as much as last night. It's funny how a night of sleep (and weird nightmares) can do that to you.

Basically, my sorority had elections last night and I was not chosen for a position I was running for. I think my number one mistake was believing I was going to get it without any hesitation. Yeah, I made my wax wings and flew by the sun...you can indeed call me Icarus (one of the only Greek stories I can remember, haha).

That is why pride is a downfall. But, some pride is alright...being a cocky bastard, however, is not alright. And while I wasn't quite a cocky bastard...I was a bit too prideful.

I just hope that people thought I did a good job in my positions this year, I REALLY hope it's not that I did a bad job. Cause that would be worse. I don't believe anyone wants to be known for doing a bad job. Hopefully, they just wanted to give more people a chance in my position.

It still hurts. It feels as though someone has scanned over my life and said "Eh...well, that was mediocre."

But...I am a good person. And a good writer (take that, humanities professor!). And I have a good heart. And that's what matters.

And, now I have to reevaluate my life. Where are my priorities? Have I been investing too much time in my sorority? Yes, a bit too much sometimes. It's hard to put a lot in and get nothing back, you know?

And...I want to write for my school newspaper next semester, and was a little hesitant to that plan and how it might interfere with my position. Not to mention school!

I KNOW that my grades haven't been the best they can be because of all my invested time in my sorority (I have a 3.2--Dude, I can totally bring that up now).

Anyway...I'm carrying on a bit much. So I'll end it here. Really, thank God I have a blog to express all these feelings...thank God I can write this all down and get all this negativity out of my system.

Yeah, it's painful to have your pride hurt. Really painful. But I'm not gonna be like Icarus and drown in the water. Cause I know how to swim. Yeah, I have back-up. I'll swim to the top of the omnipotent ocean (it can't keep me down) and find a new, fun place to shine!! It's cause I'm that cool (just a little pride, guys, just a little).

Oh yeah, and michelle, if you read this...sorry I didn't call you back yesterday! It was a hectic day, seriously, see you in class!

11.14.2005

On Love

I was listening to Maroon 5 while driving today. Songs About Jane is still a great cd, to me at least.

And those lyrics...they are a passionate force--lovely and powerful all at once. People like to say that poetry is dead, but it lives on in songs, don't you see?

"And I cannot remember
What life was like through photographs
Trying to recreate images life gives us from our past

And sometimes it's a sad song

But I cannot forget
Refuse to regret
So glad I met you
Take my breath away
Make everyday
Worth all of the pain that I have
Gone through"

It's funny how the saddest lyrics are usually the most beautiful.

And I wonder, will I ever find a love like that? Ever? There are people, I'm sure, who never get married and never find real love. And forget about the marriage part, is there even a real love?

I'm too hopeless to believe there isn't.

I'm not worried about whether or not I'll find love, I just wonder about it. And why do we try to find it in the first place?

It would be delightful to run into it someday...unexpectedly. That would be the greatest. I suppose that love is not something that can be found, but rather is something that attacks you in the darkest of nights...something that all of a sudden turns that black night into white dawn and sends the stars off singing. Something so pure and true, it's hard to think about and look at.

Why are humans so drawn to the idea of love? Probably because it is so much greater than any other thing out there: money, power, success, respect...it seems to beat all of it.

Maybe I've been reading too many books and watching too many movies. Maybe.

11.13.2005

Content, finally

ALRIGHT. So I had an eventful weekend. Let's break it down, yo.

Friday: I went to the Union Tribune (San Diego's newspaper, heck yeah!) to shadow that copy editor. It was.....hectic, fun, exciting, intimidating, crazy and wonderful. Do I want to be a journalist? Yes and no. This is why they encourage internships for my major. Simply, you gotta experience the business and then decide if you like it.

But get this, there was this one point, right, where all the pages were layed out in the publishing room. This is the part of the day where the copy editor makes sure everything looks up to par and that articles aren't too long. Of course, 4 of the articles are too long and he has to last minute cut out some lines. And I'm not talking just two lines, he had to cut out full on paragraphs, sometimes two. After I watch him edit a few pages, he hands the red pen to me and says nonchalantly, "Ok, Ashley. Make a suggestion on what we should cut out in this article."

I freak out a little (cause I'm a dork), compose myself, read the article quickly (cause the deadline is in like 20 minutes and the pressure is on) and mark what I would take out. Jerry, the copy editor, looks is over, smiles and says "Yep, that's the right part to take out."

So that was just cool. And get this, the article was on blogging. haha. It was destiny.

Friday night: Michelle and I go to see Pride & Prejudice. The 7:00 p.m. showing was sold out, so we wait for 3 hours till the next show...poor Michelle listens to me vent for 3 hours about my humanities professor (which I feel better about, thanks). After 3 hours, we go to see the movie.....and it was good and magical and beautiful. But Michelle and I both agree that the relationships weren't developed in their entirety--not like they are in the book.

And the movie really makes me long for a Mr. Darcy. But what am I looking for??? There is no Mr. Darcy in the world!!! He doesn't exist! Still, there are some really cool scenes in this movie (like a certain fog scene that really is sooooooooo cute. Man! I want to kiss someone in fog!). Oh god, now I'm being a desperate girl. So yeah...that was friday.

Saturday: Eh, nothing really. Hung out with mom and pops (always good) and then went to work (with all those highschool kiddies that tell me bout their highschool drama).

Sunday: We had Founder's Day. All the chapters of Sigma Kappa in Southern California drove to L.A. for a luncheon type deal. haha, that is, if you want to call it a lunch. Our "lunches" were salads, right, which we were skeptical of in the first place. Then, to top it off, those salads had like 3 pieces of lettuce in them. I got a sandwich later that night with my little sis and we joked about how our sandwich had more lettuce than the salad. And you think I'm exaggerating. Nope.

Anyway, the best part of Founder's Day was this little old lady that was presented an award for being a member for 75 years!! She had met one of our founders (who created the chapter in the late 1800's). That was just super cool. She needed assistance to the microphone, and the room was so thick with respect for this woman, you could feel the tingles run down every inch of your body. Then she spoke for about a minute and gave a genuine "thank you" to everyone.

I hope someday that I can be as genuine and humble as that woman. What a beautiful, astonishing thing it is nowadays to be modest and gracious. And that she was. After hearing all her cool accomplishments in her life, I thought to myself "wow, you really can live a long life and make it super cool at the same time." I hope, wish and pray....someday.



whewwwwwwwwwww. so that was a tremendously long post. I just wanted to write it all down. Life can be hectic, but just really fun at the same time. Maybe tomorrow I'll post pictures from founder's day. Now I gotta get to some homework. And sleep....that sounds wonderful!

11.10.2005

Must you be so smug?

My humanities professor really is quite frustrating at times. While enjoy his class most of the time, I feel he is never that clear on what he wants from us, leaving me in a state of ambiguity. Besides that, he's a pretty smug, uptight elitist. And yes, there are some good qualities about him...he's funny and really cares about whether or not his students do well. But I think he definitely picks favorites....and I'm not one of them.

I guess I'm also a little bitter because he's one of the only teachers that I've had in my life that has given me a mediocre score on writing. Mostly because what I write doesn't exactly cater to the style of writing he wants...he wants you to write an essay HIS way, in HIS format, with HIS exact mindset. HELLO! We're all individuals, buddy!

So today, I went to visit him during his office hours to protest a grade...and it upset me to the point where I wanted to almost cry, but I didn't. I just get frustrated with people who are purposely intimidating, who almost don't care that they are, even though they know they are.

I have to learn to deal with people like that...I need to suck it up, and not let them affect me.

It's just...when you insult my writing capabilities, it's like a punch to the stomach, or a ripping out of the heart. But I have to learn how to take criticism and set aside my pride.

Sometimes you believe that you're good at something, but not everyone is going to think that.

whew. I feel better now that I let that out. Now I'll just hit publish and send it out into nothingness...it's never good to keep anger inside you, so I'm sending it out.

11.09.2005

And one more thing...

Texas, what is wrong with you? How could you pass proposition 2?

No matter the argument people have against gay marriages, I still hold onto one argument that stands, and will always stand...

YOU CAN'T MIX RELIGION WITH GOVERNMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I'm not saying this as an aetheist, but rather, a believer in God. Judging whether or not homosexuals should get married is NOT our place. NOT OUR PLACE...if you really wanted to follow the bible, you would know that, and leave the judging up to God.

Simply, there aren't any good arguments against same sex marriages. I heard them all, even from some of my friends. No matter which way you look at it, denying someone the right to marry is a FORM OF DISCRIMINATION.

So, to the majority of texas: Please stop being hateful. Or we'll have to kick you out of the U.S. (this doesn't go to the cool texans who voted no on this stupid stupid proposition).

When will America learn?

Can I just drive it off a cliff? Oh wait, it won't start!

My car definitely is getting on my nerves. It wouldn't start yesterday and I most likely have to call a tow truck to come get it today. Cars are stupid in general. This wouldn't be a problem if San Diego had a good mass transportation system, but they DON'T!

I just have so much to do today, and I don't want to have to wait around for a stupid tow truck.

It's funny how you think you've planned out your week perfectly...which is what I thought I accomplished week. I didn't procrastinate on anything, I even finished some things early. No matter how organized and on top of things I think I am, something always comes along break up my master plan.

But what am I really complaining about? At least I haven't been abducted from my home like children in Uganda. And, would I really go and drive today on San Diego Freeways when it looks like it's gonna pour? That would be a death wish. So, I'll calm down, listen to the rain (hopefully it rains) and just relax a bit.

And maybe take a sledgehammer to my car.

11.08.2005

Excited yet Disturbed

I mentioned it before, but I was in talks with a copy editor to shadow him for a day (thanks to my journalism prof, mr. G). Well, it's finally gonna go through now! I'm excited. I get to even talk to the lady that's in charge of internships at the Union Tribune, which would be even cooler to do over the summer :) (and if any of you don't know, the Union Tribune is the biggest newspaper in San Diego, that's why I am excited).

Besides all my excitement, there is something else that happened yesterday that was indeed very very serious.

I watched a video yesterday called "Invisible Children." It's a documentary made by students who traveled to Africa (namely Uganda) and filmed some truly disturbing footage.

Basically, there's been this 17-year war that's been going on in the country--a war between rebel forces and the government. But these rebel forces are not forces that "protect the people." No, they are far sinister and darker than that. They claim to have been possessed by a spirit, and think it is a holy right of sorts to overthrow the government.

Here's the DISTURBING part: It's hard for them to convince other adults to join their forces (since it's so ludacris), so they are abducting children, ages 5-12 and forcing them into their troops. They give them guns, brainwash them, train them to kill, threaten them with their lives if they don't listen, and send them off to shoot as many people as possible. THESE ARE CHILDREN!!!!!!!!! And because of all the abductions, many children are leaving their homes in rural areas (and their parents) and living homeless in the cities. It's the only way for them to avoid abductions. These are MILLIONS of children. I'm not exaggerating. This utterly horrified me. And WHY has this not been covered before??? Why have we not heard about this tragedy in America?

Do we only go to fight countries that are performing social evils if we have some economic tie with them (i.e. oil)??? People tell me that we stepped into Iraq because we are the watchodogs of the world...it is our "duty." So why are we not in Africa??

I couldn't help but watch that movie and feel like a stupid, selfish, materialistic American. And we are many times.

If you're interested, read up on it.

11.05.2005

Secrets and Sappiness all rolled into one post!

YAY. We had initiation today and it all went smoothly. Our new girls are so cute!! And they got to learn our secret handshake and password. I kid you not. We really do have one. Yeah, we know we're bad ass.

However, one bad thing happened today...my car decided not to start. I put the key in the ignition and it answered back "F no, I'm not starting!!! You take me for granted!!" But all I had to do was whack the starter and that problem-o was fixed. Stupid cars.

Overall, today was good...and I feel relieved because I had SO MUCH to memorize for initiation, and I got most of it down.

Now I get to hang out with my cool friend Jaclyn who's in town. Eh, we'll get a cup of coffee and see a movie or something to that effect. I just enjoy sitting and talking with her about life...and I haven't seen her in forever. You gotta be good to the friends that you've got, you know the true friends, and really sink in those moments with them. Good friends and good family are what get me through the stressful, bad times. I love them.

Ok, Ok, Ok...I'll stop with my sappiness. Give me a break, I'm a girl.

11.03.2005

Information Overload!!!!

The past two weeks have been NON-STOP work work work! I knew seventeen units would require a lot of sweat and tears, but dude...I've created an ocean by now.

And now my journalism prof (a funny, nervous woman named Ms. Ward) decided to turn evil and give us the assignment from hell. I kid you not. We have to be prepared to give speeches on certain topics (one topic for each day of two weeks) but she may or may not call on you to give the speech. You just have to make sure you are prepared. That's two weeks of thinking that EVERY monday, wednesday and friday I could be giving a speech. HOW UTTERLY EVIL!!!

There have been moments this week that I have wanted to pull out my hair. What was I thinking? 17 units? Geeeez.

Spero che io soprawiva! I hope I survive.

11.01.2005

Not Bad, Not Bad

Yay! I passed an Upper Division Writing Assessment and now I don't have to take an easy writing class that would have really bored me! I got an 11 out of 12...I'm so cool.

I figure I'll look back at this entry and say "See, Ashley? Sometimes you do something right."

Ha. Only Sometimes.