I do NOT ♥ work.

Ahhhh! I'm tired of working and not being paid enough. It's driving me insane!

I'm jealous of my roomates! Their parents pay for everything. That would be sooooooo freakin' nice. And to have all that extra time to study--wait, who am I kidding? I wouldn't study over the weekend. But just to have that extra time to relax....that would be fan-tab-u-lous.

I know this post is a complaint, but I feel like complaining.

It's not even that my job is hard at all, it just takes up way too much time. I love the people that I work with, but is it worth the sacrifice of my whole weekend? Maybe I should try to find a new job. I don't know. I don't want to think about it.

I just want to take a bath. And maybe a shot of rum? heh heh...maybe not a good idea to drink when your upset. That could lead to bad things....

This transitional period between college and and graduation and getting a "real job" is the biggest pain in the ass. I want to leave this place, but yet I'm scared to leave. I want to do more, make more and be more, but I also want to be lazy and remain a kid.

You just can't have both. Grrrrrrrrr...

That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it!

Wow.

What a great date! It's now 1:42 am and the date started at 8:00 pm, essentially (I went to his bible study at 7:00pm).

And he wore a sweater for me!

He's fabulous, really. Smart, caring, cute, latin (hehe), and funny. And he says he loves to dance. Duh! So do I. Do you not see my picture? I told you kids I was a dancing machine. Come on now.

We talked for a long, long time...really I enjoy his company in general. There was no kiss, which is good cause I like to move super slowly anyway. I'm just excited about getting to know him. The most attractive thing about him by far: his intelligence. I loooooooove it.

Oh, latin lover!

Only 60% insane, so far.

Oh My Goodness...my date is tonight.

I'm excited!

Oh, and I am nervous, don't get me wrong, cause it's me. Analyzing too much=thinking about every possible outcome=being a little nervous. But I'm more excited than anything. I'm really excited, actually. And now I'm gonna have all this excited energy built up....all until 7:00 pm tonight. Then I'm just gonna release it. I'm gonna be bouncing off the walls, now, seriously.

This is still funny to me. I'm just not the girl that dates that much. I'm the girl who is actually quite content with being single. Maybe that's why I don't let a lot of relationships in when the chance comes up. Why would I ruin my contentment?

There I go analyzing again. I'm not my own therapist, so I should stop.

About tonight...I'll tell you all how it goes later. Oh yes, there will be a post. Whether it's good or bad, well...we will see.

All I know--I like this frantic/excited feeling. Every once and awhile it's fun to lose your head.

Late Night Dreaming

Sometimes I really adore this time of night. The dreamer in me comes out to dance in the mist of the almost-midnight air. The realist in me, thus, lightens up a little. What is there to lose in a dream, anyway, but my inhibitions?

I think too much. I analyze too much. I am too much. Life, many times, is much simplier than we make it out to be. I need to learn how to relax all the time. You know...learn how to live? What. a. concept.

I finished Pride & Prejudice (much to Michelle's pleasure, she gets her book back!). I will say this about the book: it awakened my heart just a little. What beautiful sentences. An example, when Lizzy asks Darcy when he fell in love with her:

"I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew I had begun."

And people wonder why women salivate over this book.

It's not that I want a guy to necessarily say something like that to me (unless he's a great writer); rather, I want a guy to one day feel that for me. It matters not if he can express what he feels, than if he can show how he feels.

I don't worry about sounding cheesy here, or too much like a Disney movie. Because really, I think deep down inside, it's what everyone wants to feel. And you know I'm right.

Groovy

So I put up a picture of me "trying" to dance...basically because it cracks me up. I'm a dancing dancing dancing machine!

I change my picture way too much. I'm too indecisive in life, basically.

Oh well. The fact that I'm 21 remains my excuse for a lot of things. But what happens when I turn 30? Then my excuse will no longer work. Such is life.

Feel that burn? Yeah!

Yeah! I went to gym again today and ran on the treadmill, which by the way, I liked A LOT better than the freakin' Stairmaster. I feel more awake and energized from the treadmill. So my plan? Go to the gym every monday, wednesday and friday. We'll see how that pans out, but I think I can do it (I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...)

Goals for today:

*Finish Pride & Prejudice. It's about freakin' time.
*Make a craft for my sorority.
*Go to class--yeah, yeah...whatever.
*Go to Michelle's birthday dinner!! Woooohoooo turning 21! Heck yes!

Pretty good day, I must say. Hey, that rhymes...

My head is going to explode!

hahahaha....this picture just really cracks me up...I love it! But it has NOTHING to do with my post.

My post is about Carlos (sweater guy)...who I ran into today. He smiled and gave me a hug...and stupid me who couldn't speak was overcome with giddy joy by the fact that he had his arms around me.

I am SUCH a dork. I'm simply not one of those girls who can play it cool around guys they like. I'm that dorky girl, that blushes when I see that certain guy.

Ohhhhhhhh, and he looked so very beautiful when I saw him.

God! I'm gushing and I need to stop it. And I still get to see him tonight, which kind of makes my day. Ok--it really makes my day. So hopefully I'll get to talk to him tonight.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...damn those sexy latin boys who make my heart race and cloud my mind with nothing but thoughts of them!!!!

***and an update...I went to the fundraiser and got to talk to him for longer than I thought, yay! And I'm going to see him on Wednesday for coffee. Yeah, I'm definitely gushing now, and I DON'T CARE, bitches. He's quite lovely, I must say, and I am excited. :)

Totally.

So, I totally worked the Stairmaster today. You heard right. I'm a stairmaster gangsta. Got that Jack?

And I'm totally gonna see sweater guy tomorrow. Freakin' cute latino boys!!! *shakes fist in air* Why must you be so beautiful??? But I don't how much I'll see of him, really. he's holding a fundraiser, I'm going to it. I'll probably only get to talk to him for 5 minutes. But whatever, that's 5 minutes of sexy latino bliss.

And dude...I TOTALLY started my essay today. A DAY EARLY. What the hell? Where's the procrastinator in me? And it's pretty good so far. Yeah...I can roll with Thomas Hobbes, it wasn't as hard as I thought.

So...that was my day, totally.

I deserve a pat on the back, basically.

I feel like I've accomplished a few things today, which is a good feeling. Things I've done today:

• Signed up to be on a Street Team for People Magazine. This seems like it could be a good opportunity since not only am I interested in journalism, but I'm also interested in public relations. So it's pretty cool they were looking for representatives.
• Signed up for the gym. Hahaha...this makes me laugh because I work out, well, never. So i figure it's a good thing to stay in shape and be healthy. Possibly healthier than my chocolate addiction? Yeah. I won't give up the chocolate...they'll just even out.
• Worked on a picture frame for a new member in my sorority...I'm her GA. Maybe I'll explain this concept later. I'm just glad I started this project, cause I definitely have a TON of stuff this week to do, so it's good to get the little things out of the way.

So yeah. I've done all those things. But have I started my essay. Uh............that's a big no. I know, I know!!! I'm slapping my own wrist right now!!!

I'll get on that whole essay thing sometime...

Concentration is the Game

What do you do when you're stuck in spring break mode, yet you are thrusted abruptly into school?

I cannot, for the life of me, focus on writing my essay!!!!! It's due Thursday, which isn't helping, since the little devil/procrastinator in me is asking why I'm even starting it now. And it's on Thomas Hobbes--not my favorite theorist (seeing as he was REALLY into totalitarianism).

Concentration is impossible right now!!!

I am much too frustrated to start any school work. Is frustrated really the word? Maybe lazy is a better fit. Maybe it's a little of both.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....I need to take a bath and relax...and dream of latin boys. Ahhh...what happy thoughts.

Back in the Daily Grind

Today marks the day that classes begin again. I miss spring break already. I've never been that girl that needs to take a trip to Cancun and flash the camera to have a good spring break...nah. I had a good break without going anywhere amazing.

But this week--man. It's gonna hit me like a ton of bricks. Essays, initiation this weekend, events every night--which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm just not gonna have any free time. And that sucks a little.

Oh well.

"Working in the coal mine
Going down down down
Working in the coal mine
Whoop I wanna sit down"

So I'm not working in a coal mine, but the song still fits.

Let's hope this week isn't something less than wonderful...I can turn that coal mine into a beautiful palace with a wave of my hand.

Run, Blondie, Run!

So, tomorrow I'm waking up bright and early and driving to L.A. (just say no to smog!) to go see something I've never seen before. And my friend is participating in it.

I'm going to go see Jaclyn (my little special blonde friend-haha) run in a marathon. I'm gonna be the happy/proud friend cheering for her on the sidelines. If I had time, I'd make a shirt that would say "Lemon Ball Power." Disregard that last sentence, cause I don't want to explain.

And yesterday, I was telling some other friends about the marathon. The converstaion went like this:

Me: Yeah, Jaclyn is running in a marathon. It's like--27 miles or something.

Jaime: Yeah, it's 26.4 miles.

Me: Oh...you've heard of this marathon???

Jaime: No, Ashley, all marathons are the same length...it's fixed.

Me: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. I never knew that.

Yeah. I'm a dork. But what can you do?

Anyway, I just need to say props to Jack for showing the determination and will (I sound like a shoe commercial) to train and run in this marathon. That takes balls, Jack. Even though you are a girl, you get my drift.

And...I need some prayer power directed towards my car, since everytime I try to drive it to L.A., it breaks down. Yeah, it's happened twice. It just doesn't like L.A. and I can't blame it, really.

So here's to an interesting day tomorrow!

My love will rip a whole through the ceiling, bitches.

Every now and then, I find a song that totally takes over my body, and stops me in my steps. It's like a possession of sorts, a possession that I don't want exorcised.

Have you guys heard of Matisyahu? Well, here's a picture of the dude:

Alright........so he's Jewish, if you didn't notcie. Like, hardcore Jewish. And the first time I heard his song, I happened to also be watching the video. What was my first (stupid) reaction to this guy? Basically, that this was going to be hilarious, and this was some type of joke, or even some type of ploy. It's sad how sometimes I fall into the gap of making generalizations so easily.

Well, anyway, I spent about 10 seconds laughing at the thought of this Jewish kid singing reggae (yes, reggae), and then, THEN...I actually listened to the music and the lyrics.

My reaction? It was beautiful. A lyrical masterpiece with soaring guitars and gorgeous vocals surrounding every lyric. I loved it. And I love it still. And I've been overplaying it.

Here are some of the lyrics:

What's this feeling?
My love will rip a hole in the ceiling
I give myself to you now from the essence of my being
And I sing to my God songs of love and healing
I want Mashiach now, time we start revealing

...Strip away the layers and reveal your soul
Give yourself up and then you become whole
You're a slave to yourself and you don't even know
You want to live the fast life but your brain moves slow
If you're trying to stay high then you're bound to stay low
You want God but you can't deflate your ego
If you're already there then there's nowhere to go
If you're cup's already full then its bound to overflow
If you're drowning in the waters and you can't stay afloat
Ask Hashem for mercy and he'll throw you a rope
You're looking for help from God you say he couldn't be found
Looking up to the sky and searching beneath the ground
Like a King without a crown
Yes I want to get down
Like a King without a crown
I keep fallin' down

Even if you're not religious, at all, you can still recognize how lyrically beautiful this song is. And usually religious songs almost ALWAYS come out cheesy. But this one didn't. This guy has real talent, and a real sense for music.

But onto the religious side of it, I love it for what it has to say. Especially because I've been, well, disconnected from religion for awhile.

It's not like I stopped believing in God. That never happened. But as far as going to church and participating? Yeah, that stopped.

And I'll tell you why--because whenever I went to church in the past, I never did the driving. It was never me who wanted to go to church. I still got someting out of it, but it was after I was, essentially, forced to go. And I'm not trying to make my parents out to be tyrants--because they actually believe in the word, and simply wanted to share it with me.

When I left for college, that's when the disconnection began. That's because it became my choice.

Also, I was ashamed. I was ashamed of those people who called themselves Christian, or religious, and then condemned people who were gay...or people who weren't like them. And didn't they know???? Religion isn't about excluding other people, it was about loving other people--ALL people. And even our self-righteous president did this. And that pissed me off the most! How can you be a represntation of the American people and tell the nation you're gonna ban gay marriage any way possible? That made me utterly sick to my stomach. Why would I want to associate myself with "Christians" if this is how "Christians" acted.

And so I seperated myself.

********

But lately, I've been interested again. And it's been on my own. And part of it is thanks to songs like "King Without a Crown." Because that is the type religion that I always dreamed of--one that sings of love and acceptance, not hate. And there are people who act and feel the way I do...it's just a matter of sifting throught the bad eggs to find the golden ones.

I want to feel connected to God on my own accord, in my own way. Not the way that someone tells me to. I want to feel connected through song and through feeling...not preaching.

Religion and Spiritualism are seperate words for a reason--and I'm finding that out now.

Why are women trying to become manequins? For Christ's sake, STOP IT!!!!!!

It's sad to see all the fighting we've done for women's rights slowly fade in the background, like it's nothing.

What is the image we want to portray, girls? That our whole identity is solely tied to how pretty we are? To how many heads we can turn with our toned asses?

I'd rather turn heads with my intellect.

I'm not saying that I'm not superficial. Because God knows I can be really freakin' superficial. But it doesn't mean that I can't see the regression that's been happening.

What's so strange with being pretty and smart? Or do those two entities just not mix?

How many more times do I have to see a girl pinch her side and call herself fat? My God! It starting to make me sick to my stomach because I see it so damn often.

Why do we think less of ourselves if we aren't the ideal? And who is the ideal anyway? Girls that society thinks look perfect have been airbrushed. And those ideal girls think they have flaws as well, and wish they could find "ideal beauty." What a horrible game we play everyday! What a horrible cycle that is...

Where does it all end, anyway??

I've ranted about this before...but it continuously pisses me off, cause I hear it EVERYDAY. EVERY freakin' day (I'm not exaggerating) I hear a girl say that she's not good enough. EVERYDAY. "I'm not skinny enough" or "I wish I could take away these freckles" or "My skin is broken out, and I don't want people to see."

Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeez. If we constantly keep putting ourselves down, we'll forever be trapped, and it will be our own doing.

Really, I just want to live to see a woman president. Sadly, I don't know if I'll get to see that in my time. How we expect to come off as strong leaders, when we can't even see ourselves that way?

***********

What makes a woman beautiful to me???

That light within. A light that shines past superficial wishes, and shows the true brillance of a woman: her heart, her intellect, her soul. It is a light that cannot be powered by the shade of your lipstick, but rather the kind of person that you are.

Because I don't know about you, but I don't want my clothes, my make-up and my body to define who I am. I am beautiful despite those things.

Oh--and one last thing. Plastic surgery does not make you look younger...it makes you look like you've had plastic surgery. Plain and simple.

--this is the end of Ashley's rant--

Ahhhhhh...sunshine, sand and ocean...here I come!

I decided to change my picture to something smiley--cause hey, that's how I'm feeling.

And yes, I'm going to the beach today...no maybes about it (hear that, McMullan?).

Sometimes my life is grand.

Breaks put the life back into me...

This is a cool looking pic from one of our dances, so I thought I'd share. It's not from this week or anything, I just like the lights in the picture. Kind of trippy!

Anyway, my day today? It involoved a random trip to Ensenada, Mexico--pretty water and cliffs, rice and beans, Big Jesus (a statue, my friends), churros, a strawberry daquiri, and new bracelet for $2 and some great, great times.

Spring break is making me a lot less stressed, which is the point anyway, right? So I'm happy that I've been relaxing a bit more and reading textbooks a bit less.

Yeah, I'll go back to learning soon enough. But tomorrow? Possibly the beach or a movie or shopping. Depends what I'm in the mood for....

Can you see the raincloud over my head?

I can be a bitch sometimes.

Today, basically, I was in a bad mood. I didn't want to work and I didn't want to deal with stupid customers. What was worse--the customers were in a bad mood as well. Might as well mix gun powder with fire.

I happen to be a supervisor-of-sorts at my job. But the thing is, I really shouldn't work when I'm in such a bad mood, cause I take it out on other people. And of course, things always aren't perfect when I'm working...people talk and don't work and I have to set them back on track. Usually not a problem, and I can usually do it in a nice way. Not today though. Man, I was a bitch.

I'm not a person that's made for being a manager/boss...I realize. I'm good for support and I'm good behind the scenes, but when I'm in bad mood/sad/angry...I really just want to be left alone. However, when you're in charge, people can't leave you alone.

It's a frustrating cycle and life is frustrating in general. Is it sunday yet? Almost. I'll be less grumpy tomorrow.

There is no old man snoring...

BUT, it is raining and pouring!!! And it even hailed!!!!!!! I was much too excited for that.

It makes me want to do a rain dance.

Sad News: I have to go to work today. Yeah, she does work hard for the money...and she's coming undone.

I would love to just go dance in the rain right now, but going into work looking like a wet rat may not be very fitting.

...whatever! I'm still just happy that it is spring break.

Say Cheese-y

I told you I would put another picture up. I think I'm trying to look thoughtful in it...you know, worldly and cultured and all that jazz. hahaha. I guess I just like there to be a face to what I write?? I'm weird.

It's a blurry picture anyway...but I love hazy, unclear things. Kind of like how today is hazy and unclear (it's raining). And you know I love the rain. There was even some thunder!!! (gasp) Give me a break, San Diego NEVER gets thunderstorms. So basically, that was bad ass.

Anyway, today marks the first day of my spring break--so I'm in relax-all-day mode. But when am I not lazy anyway????

Some days are meant for dreaming and sleeping and carrying your mind off to far away lands. That's my take on it, anyway.

No freakin' sweat.

Oh my freakin' God...why was I so worried??? The first test...eh. We'll see. I'm not sure about it. But the second test...I kicked that test's ass all over the place. It didn't stand a chance. I should have known--dude, it's an essay test for Christ's sake!!! Duh...I'm good at essays. Again, what the f was I worried about????

I'm going to proceed now into lazy mode. Eat some spaghetti. Watch me some movies. Be as excruciatingly lazy as possible. Ohhhhhhhh yes. I love the sound of that.

Pulling out my hair.

I'm sliiiiiiightly stressed.

What am I doing? I don't have time to even blog. I need to go study.

I will feel SO MUCH better when it's around 3:15 today. Then I will watch a movie, and eat chocolate, and DO NOTHING. Sounds so nice!

my evaluation

tell me if you like the white in the background...and be honest, please. I like feedback :)

I should have one of those flammable warnings pasted to my head.

Basically because my brain is going to explode.

Two midterms tomorrow in two of my hardest classes. Just shoot me. I'm gonna have to study ALL day today. ALL FREAKIN' DAY. My head is going to hurt like a mother. I'm even skipping classes to study. What the hell is that? If you're gonna skip class, you should go all out--go Ferris Bueller style. This makes me sad.

But, on the upside, I'll probably do good on my tests...heh heh, hopefully.

On the super-upside--Carlos (red sweater guy) realized that my birthday had passed and told me he really owed me now and that he would definitely treat me to coffee. I'm not gonna get too excited about this, because hey--I don't know him that well. But he's cute and smart, so it makes me happy to attract such a well-rounded person. We will see how it goes.

Until then...STUDY STUDY STUDY (hopefully I don't die in the process).

7 is a lucky number...

My first drink from my 21st birthday? A Strawberry Daquiri...it was good. There's not too much to say about my birthday...didn't get too intoxicated. But I did enjoy flashing my I.D. to buy drinks. That was just lovely.

So, Ashley #2 totally tagged me. Alright, alright Ashley. I'll comply. But only cause you have a cool name :)

7 things to do before I die:

1. Visit Italy and Australia
2. Buy a really fast sports car and speed around town like a reckless fool
3. Get into that secret night club that is hidden inside Disneyland
4. Find a pirate's treasure....arrrrrr! Just Kidding...how about get a kick ass job that I love? Yeah, that's a good one.
5. Fall in love
6. Party ALL night long...heck yeah!
7. Drive cross country with a friend, staying in the most obsolete, cheapest motels

7 things I cannot do:

1. Stay still
2. Eat fish...sorry! It's nasty to me!
3. Remain silent during a good song
4. Hurt a person intentionally
5. Pass up a burrito (from San Diego, that is)
6. Not have a car--I love driving too much
7. Give up chocolate...no way, no how!

7 things I say most often:

1. Smashing
2. Dammit!
3. That fool...
4. Dude.
5. Let's dance!
6. Yeaaaaaaaah (like in Office Space)
7. Like (this is not intentional...it's just a generational thing)

7 books I love:

I don't read enough!

7 movies I can watch over and over again:

1. "A Walk to Remember";
2. "Just Like Heaven";
3. "Office Space"
4. "Rear Window"
5. "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"
6. "Bridget Jones' Diary"
7. "Sixteen Candles"

YOU ARE TAGGED! >> Anthony, Gangsta, HeatherFeather, Hatleyman, Thomas, Michelle, Ellen. Only if you guys want...come on! I want to see your answers!

Oh Baby Oh Baby!!!

I just want to say....happy birthday to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am 21 today. Yeah, that means I'm going to drink alcohol, suckers. Not that I haven't drank before...but this time I can do it legally.

So yeah...I love birthdays. Basically because today I am a QUEEN and what I say goes. And I get lots and lots of love. Yay!!!!!!!

***and one more update today. That guy I was talking about a little earlier, totally asked me to get coffee with him sometime, and to let him know. Oh yeah, I'll let him know, hehehe. This is another reason why this day is pretty freakin' great!!

Just LET IT GO

So, I started off the day frustrated, mad and full of raging anger. And it just kept building up. Then I had an emotional outburst in front of my roommate.

yeaaaaahhhh, sometimes it takes an emotional outburst to see that you are being completely ridiculous.

So, although I'm not going to be totally forgiving, or totally forget what has happened in the past...I've just let all the anger go. And WOW. It feels better to just let it go.

I've figured out that it's easier to just be nice to someone than to be an asshole to them. It takes way too much effort to be mean...annnnnd, it's just not me.

How can some people be assholes and bitches all the time? They must have short, miserable, terrible lives.

It definitely takes a bigger person to move on. Holding a grudge is something that eats you alive. And, I don't want to be eaten alive. Basically.