Frantic Friday

Ahhhh...this upcoming week is going to be hectic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• I have to search for a new apartment last minute (I'll explain this later).
• I need to write a 15-page paper due next Friday. yeah, I knew about this ALL semester.
• I need to make the budget for a day of Rush. And plan all the details of that day.
• I need to make sure I can pay all my bills for this month (this ALWAYS stresses me out).

But on the plus side, my sorority's formal dance is tomorrow and yeah, I'm bringing a date. $5 to the person who can guess my date. Well, actually, how about a pat on the back? Cause, yeah, I'm broke.

Carry On, Rousseau...

From The Basic Political Writings:

"What is even more cruel is that, since all the progress of the human species continually moves away from its primitive state, the more we accumulate new knowledge, the more we deprive ourselves of the means of acquiring the most important knowledge of all. Thus, in a sense, it is by dint of studying man that we have rendered ourselves incapable of knowing him."

Wellllllll said. We, as humans, strive to learn why we do things in the manner that we do them. Why why why? We empty our bank accounts buying self-help books and paying for expensive sessions with therapists. We trust every word that our professor spills out; after all, they do have degrees. We study every inch of the human body and analyze every human emotion in order to have some idea of why man (and woman) is the way he is. Why?

Why do we do it when the answer is inside? Like Rousseau said, the answer to our questions can be found within, in its most primitive form. Why do we continue to look further?

It's all this thinking and studying and analyzing that we do that has caused us to confuse ourselves. What a wicked web we've weaved--and it's been happening for centuries.

In the end, when you take away all the studying and over-thinking, you have...just you. You and your instincts. Instinct is the ultimate answer to every question.

Have I ever been this crazy?

I hate boys.
I love boys.
I feel like I can't make a decision.
Just tell me what you really feel!
And can we JUST move past this awkward phase?? Please?
And why are you so adorable?
It makes it all the more harder,
to not want to like you.



But I do. I like you way too much for my own good. And it's annoying me to the core. But I just can't help it.

I need to write about other things besides this!!! But it's kind of consuming me right now. I don't want to be one of those girls...

Wasting Time (Again)

You see. Gangster and I are alike. We change our photos like it's our job. Except, Gangster uses weird/sometimes disturbing pictures of other people while I use weird/sometimes disturbing pictures of myself.

Ahhh!! I have SO MUCH to do! Why am I on Blogger?

Today:

• I drank two cups of coffee.
• I sang to "You Can't Hurry Love." How appropriate.
• I gave myself three wrinkles (that will develop in 10 years, I'm sure) worrying about school work.
• I fell asleep on the couch for approximately 34 minutes.
• I ate five mini tacos. Yum.
• I watched two movies, avoiding all studying--"Bring it On" and "The Notebook."
• I couldn't get him off my mind.
• I admired the sunshine as I strolled around campus.
• I gave out more than five hugs.
• I had a manic yet fufilling monday.

And yeah. That was my entire day. I think I like the bold button way too much. And now it's time to dream to my heart's desire.

Writing is like chicken soup for the dramatic soul.

I'm listening to a great disco song right now. Yeah, there is such a thing, so don't argue with me. It's "Don't Leave Me This Way." I looooooove it. I totally could have lived during the disco era!!!! Well, except, being a crack addict is not my thing.

And I've been starting a lot of posts with songs I'm listening to at the moment. But maybe because music is the only thing that has kept me sane this week. And the upcoming week? I know it will be JUST as crazy.

Anyway, I have nothing important/relevant/funny to say today. I'm just writing to write. Sometimes that is the best.

Releasing all the anxiety...

I'm listening to Turkish music right now...ahhhh...it eases the soul. It's been WAY too long since I've visited Turkey, and I miss it with all of my heart.

Here's what I have to say about Sweater Guy(oh and jaclyn, I'm sending you a letter with all the info to the story): I'm analyzing WAY too much here (I know, BIG surprise). When it comes down to it, I barely know him...we just met a month ago for God's sake! I need to chillllllll out. I need to take a breather and stop worrying and giving myself ulcers (refer to all my previous posts where I was going crazy).

If he likes me, he likes me. If he doesn't, then he doesn't. I need to stop trying to map out my stars when they are already mapped out for me. If things are right and comfortable and a good match...it will all come together.

Because I don't date much, I get all crazy and stupid when I do. And I hate that. Because I am a COOL girl. I'm quiet and shy at first, and I observe a lot...but once you get to know me, I'm loud and kind of crazy. I like to dance and sing at a moment's notice. I love art. I love getting lost in a movie or a song. I'm intelligent. I'm weird, but in a freakin' good way.

When the time is right, Carlos will see those things. I won't do any good shoving them in his face.

And if he doesn't want to be with me--well, that would suck. But I need to stop acting like the planets would collide and result in total destruction if we don't date. Everything will be fiiiiiine.

See how this blog ends up being a cathartic release for me? It's a start, at least.

Crushes really do CRUSH you. Dammit!

I hate having a crush like this...it's KILLING me. Do you see me???? I'm DYING (and being overdramatic at the moment). I hate waiting around and being fucking unsure. I hate having my stomach in knots. PLEASE just stab me.

But at the same time he brightens my day and makes me smile in every single way possible. GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you ever just have one of those weeks where you want to pull out all your hair?? *Ashley raises her hand*

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kill me, kill me pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease. Being in a single/dating/crush limbo period is frustrating as all hell. Being single (just single) would be SO MUCH EASIER right about now.

Holding onto my hope.

I'm a writer and a dreamer and a lover. And I would have it no other way.



And yeah. Sometimes I'm a realist. But if you let too much of the realist cloud your blue-skied thoughts, then everyday would just be overcast. I don't want to ever kill the child in me.

That is all.

A Viscious Cycle

I worry and I doubt and I give myself stomach ulcers. And THEN I remember that I shouldn't worry--at all, really.




What a horrible little game I play with myself! Sometimes I am my own WORST enemy. Geeeeeeeez, Ashley. You're crazy!!!

Viva Las Vegas!!!!

Vegas was pretty amazing. The casinos are crazy!!! My favorite game: blackjack, by far. But it's a nerve-racking game.

However, the amazement of Vegas wears off in about 3 days, cause all in all, it's just too much--too much gambling, too much brightness, too much smoke (cough!). There's just something about California, or any home for that matter, that's easy-like-Sunday-morning. Vegas can't ease the soul the way San Diego can for me. So it's good to be home.

But not so fast! Here are some pictures of me hanging out in the city of sin:

Hanging around at the Stardust Casino.

Mom and I.

Sitting in flowers at the Bellagio. haha. It's what I do, I guess?

Dad and I. yeah, my dad likes to make faces like that.

Luck of the Draw

I'm listening to "Ticket to Ride." Definitely one of my favorite Beatles songs.

And I'm excited cause I'm going to Las Vegas this weekend (I leave tomorrow at noon). And get this, it was all my dad's idea. I think he really just wants to show me how to lay it down on the gambling table, ya know?

I just have to get over a few hurdles before my fun weekend--my taxes (yeah, I haven't done those YET) and a test. Once I jump over those obstacles, I'm on my way to easy street, er, the strip.

Oh, to end this post, here are a few pictures of me and my roomates on their birthday. They are, ahem, amusing. hehehe.

Above: They look like regular ice teas, don't they now?

Below: We're professionals at looking like idiots, the whole of us!

And the car ride home. Poor Matt was the designated driver and had to deal with our asses. hahaha. It cracks me up.

Patriotic Tuesday

You know what I'm doing today?

I'm voting (in a special election for CA) and I'm doing my freakin' taxes. Honestly now, if I'm not doing my civic duty today, I don't know who the f*** is.

I'm a big fan of voting...it gets me all giddy. But taxes....oh taxes, why don't you just stick a knife into my stomach and turn it a few times?? I am NOT looking foward to when I have to fill out major taxes when I get older.

I do know one thing: I won't be checking that little box that asks for donations to the campaign in office right now. hahahaha.......too bad a Democrat will be in office in 2008.

Now don't get all hot and bothered, cause, yeah, you know it's true. Especially cause it's about time.

In a calm state of mind.

Wow. It's 9am and I'm somehow awake...usually I sleep until 10:30, or something ridiculously late like that. But I like when I wake up this early on my own (yes--I realize that 9am is not an early time for any of you). I actually do like mornings--they are incredibly peaceful and great times for contemplating life.

Again, I analyze way too much. And have I been analyzing with Sweater Guy? Ohhhhhh yeah. I analyze with him a bit too much. I wish I could be nonchalant, but simply I'm not. Why must I analyze every move that people make? I think it's an insecurity in me that I need to work on.

But overall, in every way, I find him completely adorable. And when I start to adore someone, I start wondering if I'm good enough for them...that's so bad! I need to stop putting myself down like this.

Things I need to do today: e-mail the Chinese Embassy (you think I'm kidding), work on a project, read a little for my Poli Sci class, go to meeting (sorority), take time to look around this fabulous world and realize that I am a good person who deserves good things coming to her.

The last thing might take a while to accept. But I'll work on that.

Party Over Here!

My two roomates are turning 21 tomorrow. So yeah. I'm gonna be gone all day tomorrow doing "stuff" with them.

That should be interesting. Reallllllllllly interesting.

I think I'll get myself a Long Island Ice Tea, since I haven't tried that yet. Don't worry--I think one drink will do it's job. I'm the biggest lightweight you've ever seen.

Getting Caught Up in the Rush

I started out today kind of stressed. I was lost in my little world of index cards, running to class in the rain, watching every tick of the clock and reviewing loads of notes. It's easy, afterall, to get caught up in that.

But I was being consumed by it all, really.

Sometimes I get caught up in the rush of life...the standard "want to do well"--get A's, graduate, get a good job, feel important, etc.

But what am I working towards, really? And am I being the person I want to be?

I'm selfish sometimes. What did I even do for anyone else today, really? I did everything for myself today. That's a bit depressing. Cause really, I feel most fufilled when I do things for other people and make them feel good about themselves. That makes me happy.

I need to take a moment everyday to notice the gorgeous colors that paint the world around me. It's those colors that tell a story and sing a song...and it's quite peaceful to watch. Sometimes, I'm just so caught up in my busy-ness, that my world is only viewed in black and white.

Well--hand me a paintbrush. Cause I don't want to live a life only for me...I want to create beauty for others to see.

Is it hot in here? I think it's just me.

I..............am..............smitten.

Like, I'm really smitten. If you could see me now, you would see that I am blushing.

That's all I have to say about this.

Rewind

I woke up this morning and it was 11:00 am. Dammit!!!!!!! Normally it would have been 10:00 am. But nooooooo, I have to lose a freakin' hour. And I have a TON of stuff to do this week.




I should just remove myself from society, become a hermit and inhabit a small log cabin in a desolate state where no one can find me. And I won't follow these stupid daylight savings rules....EVER.

Why you trying to cramp my style?

Mannnnnnnnn.

So I get a text message (yeah, it's what us kids do now-a-days) from Sweater Guy asking me to go to a barbeque tonight. My first reaction to this was "Heck yeah I'll go, Latin Lover!!!!" ...and then I remembered that I was at work.

Sadness.

And where were my friends tonight?? Partying. And where was I? Oh yeah, still working. All these opportunities for fun (and latin love), and I had to work.

I'm being overdramatic, of course, and I'll see everyone this week (including sexy latin guy), but I'm too impatient!!!!! I want to see them now!!!

I just need to calm down and take a breath. Everything is gonna be just fine.

I just felt like whining to blogger like I usually do.