Did I just say I like country?

Have you heard the song "Silent House" by the Dixie Chicks? Depressing but a fantastic song, I must say...even though it's country. And I usually equate country with death. Cowboy hats+violins+whiny voices=death. But seriously...this song is lovely. Lovely tune, lovely message. It's about Alzheimer's.

And how about that? I went on the Memory Walk last Saturday. It was obviously for Alzheimer's. The walk was only 3 miles...and it was in my FAVORITE part of San Diego (besides the beach)--Balboa Park. It's a gorgeous park with cool museums in it (there's an Aerospace museum where my dad built a few jets). And OF COURSE I love the Art Museum.

I could go on and on...but I'll stop.

Can you tell...I'm doing better. Life gets better, always. It's time to start my fantastic day now.

Pulling through, and laughing on the way.

It's cloudy this morning. But I'm fond of clouds...

I'm doing alright, for anyone that wants to know. The only way to get through frantic/sad times is to simply have support. And to relate with other people. I don't care what people say: no matter how technologically advanced we get in this world, no matter how much we could live in our homes and never leave the front door...people will always be social beings. People NEED people. That has been my realization in the last month. The only way to get out of sadness or a rut is with helping hands pulling you out of it.

I have support. I have those hands to lift me up.

***

On a different note...I still have a crush on the Egyptian boy. It's noooot gonna fade anytime soon. Which is funny cause now I get text messages from Sweater Guy saying "You make me smile...I love seeing you."

Guys are utterly ridiculous. RIDICULOUS.

Alright...

soooo. This is what's happening with my dad. His cancer is a slow-moving lymphoma. It's incurable. As opposed to the fast moving lymphoma that kills you, but can be treated. The slow moving lymphoma can be lived with for years...but he has to have check-ups every three months to see if it has spread. I guess they can still contian it with chemotherapy...but it can't be cured.

Sooooo, I'm not happy or sad about the news. Well, I guess I'm happy that it's not stage four cancer, cause that would have broken me in two.

I'm happy that I just know where we stand right now.

Look into my eye!

YAYYYYYYYYY. Jaclyn is coming over the weekend and that makes me HAPPY. She is my partner in crime and I haven't seen her in ages. So YAY!

Oh, and like my Turkish Eye in the corner. Yeah you do. Gotta live up to my URL, you know. It's temporary until I find another picture to put up.

I'm in a better mood each day...it's good to be hopeful!

Crash! Into me...

I didn't wake up until 11:34 this morning...yeah, that's being kind of lazy. But I think it's been awhile since I've done that...like, YEARS! Soooo, I believe I made up for the lack of sleep during these past two weeks.

I had a dream last night that a car accident happened in front of me. Except, they were driving the opposite direction of me. I stopped, got out of the car. Walked down the freeway over the brains and blood on the gravel (seriously it was grafic) and stared at the cars. After staring at them for too long it made me sad, and I wanted to leave, but magically the traffic had reappeared and it was difficult to get to my car on the other side of the road.

I couldn't do it alone, and began to get frustrated, when a nice man helped me out by "directing" traffic. The cars parted and I walked to my car, got in, made a u-turn and drove the other way.

***
If that's not a dream about my life right now I don't know what is.

Maybe Cameron Diaz could sell her boyfriend to me.

Today is a good day...besides the fact that I have two essays hanging over my head like a guillotine...CHOP! But I'll get them done. I always do.

On another note...Justin Timerlake is coming to San Diego for a concert in January. How I'd like to go! I just can't help but give in to his painfully sugar-pop confections!!! But you know his tickets will be over-priced...and you know that they will sell out in 2.5 seconds. Ohhhh, JT. How you tease me.

One person I ALWAYS wished I could see in concert, but never could for OBVIOUS reasons, is Marvin Gaye. Cause I love him. He's quite possibly my favorite singer.

You know, I'm rambling. I'm such a procrastinator...ah well. Cramming is what I do best.

Just Crush Me

Man, life has the ability to give you the loneliest feelings EVER. The scariest feelings EVER. To where you can't help but cry, no matter where you're walking...which makes you look like a complete freak when you're hurrying to class.

I've gotten better at controlling my emotions this week. I'm just holding onto the hope that my dad will be ok, that I will be ok, no matter what.

****

About Egyptian Guy...I can say all I want that if he dates this other girl I'll have to accept it, blah blah blah, he just didn't like me enough, blah blah blah, there's nothing left for me to do but just wait and see what he does, blah-dy blah blah.

Yeah, that's logical, I know.

But the truth is, I want him to take my hand, and tell me that the other girl is not important (not as important as me, that is), and just give me a big hug, and hold me. And then when this daydream plays over and over in my mind...I realize that I've been watching too many romantic comedies. And life hardly ever works out that way.

But I'm sure I've said this before...this is why a crush is called a "crush." It's not exactly an endearing/lovely term. But it's oh-so-fitting.

Just My Luck

Sooo, remember I told you about that Egyptian guy I like?

Well, there's a slight problem. He likes some other chick. Which, honestly is disappointing and annoying. Cause, yeah, I really do like him.

But what are you gonna do? If he's into me, he'll make the effort. And that's all I can say, right? Soooo, yeah.

Anyway, it's not like I really have my mind on having a boyfriend right now. Obviously, my dad is my FIRST priority.

At the same time, you just can't shut off feelings. Especially feelings that just crept up on me out of nowhere....I should just become a lesbian, I swear!

I must be going crazy.

I'm dying my hair blonde right now. You heard right.

You only live once. I've always wanted to see what it would look like, so I did it. Hopefully it doesn't turn out a hideous orange/gold color. Hopefully!

Within a month I'll probably dye it a dark color again, just to keep my sanity. But for now, we shall see.

If it turns out decent, I'll post a picture. WHAT am I thinking right now???!

This week:

• I'm not going to be depressed. I will control my emotions.
• I'm going to believe. Believe that I can get through this. Believe that my dad can get through this. He is strong!
• I'm going to smile. I choose to smile this week. I'm going to smile until it HURTS.

And though there will still be tears, and pain and hurt...I will come out stronger. I am stronger already.

Today is better already. This week will not control me. I will control this week. I am going to lay the smackdown on this week. BAM!

Putting it in Perspective

This has been the hardest week of my life. I don't think I have ever known a pain like this before. And it's a debilitating kind of pain.

I don't think I've ever cried so hard or so much...and in front of other people, too.

Man, if this week hasn't been a test, I don't know what is. But...

I feel much better than I did earlier on in the week. It's because of the people that surround me. Whether they are in Orange County, or a couple doors down. And of course, my dad pulls me through. I have faith that things are going to be alright. That no matter what, it will all be alright.

And so I'm off to church. It's sooooo necessary this week.

And the clouds parted a little...

I feel better now...and it's because of other people.

When I'm by myself, I think about it too much, and it eats away at me. But friends give me the strength.

I just have to work on making my dad smile. Cause he's strong, and he doesn't show it, but he's scared too.

!

I'm just kind of upset...and I don't know how to fix it...

how am I supposed to fix it???

Just like glass...

It's funny how life can be compared to a glass vase.

A beautiful glass vase that is so perfect and classic when it is first made. It is adorned with flowers, or put in a cupboard, protected by the walls that surround it. It seems untouchable, doesn't it?

And then, one day, the vase falls over, and you find a chip in it. And you are suddenly reminded, just how easily that vase can break. And it frightens you. What if the next time it falls...it breaks completely?
***
Even if my father were to die tomorrow, I have to say this. That when he breaks into a million little pieces, and my world feels like it is going to break too...I will just have to gather all those little pieces together, and keep them with me, and never throw them away. For what my dad has taught me, in the short 21 years I have been alive, will last with me all my life.

For my dad is the kind of man who has never been concerned with riches and reputation. He could have been the CEO of a prestigious business if he wanted. He has the stamina, courage and intelligence to do so. However, my dad is unique. He knows where real riches can be found--that that is with family and faith and love. And some might say that he gave up the chance to be the richest man in the world. To this he would reply "I already am the richest man in the world." And he has never shown me any less love than I deserve.

And I have not given up, but accepted that my dad and I will fight to the end. And even if the worst happens, I will always have his love and advice in my heart. And I will pass that on to my kids as well. My father WILL live on forever.

That is not to say that I am not worried or scared. I am! But I know that I am loved. And it is better to have had my dad in my life for 21 years than to never have had him at all.

...

My dad called me today and told me that the biopsy they did on his throat turned out to be cancer (he had a lump removed).

I'm not sure how to deal with these words as I write them...cause they're glaring at me right now, and piercing me straight through the heart.

It could be nothing...it could be something that can be removed. But I am afraid. I am a daddy's girl...and I refuse to lose my father anytime soon.

I don't know what else to say right now. I'm going to drive home, and try not to cry too much, and give my dad a hug. That's about all I can do. I feel better in the fact that I have support...from God, from friends. I'm just.............sad, right now. That's all.

Castles Made of Sand

It's that time of the afternoon, where I'm just sitting here thinking about everything...about the week ahead and how it might kill me. I let stress get to me much too often. Going from school to work to sorority to school to work to school.........it gets tiring and I get spread thin.

I'm just freakin' out a little cause I have a ga-zillion projects/midterms happening this week.

I enjoy being melo-dramatic sometimes. And when I'm in this mood, that's when I break out the Jimi Hendrix. It's not that often that I resort to Jimi, but sometimes fascinating guitar riffs paired with lyrics about pain and drugs can be amazing.

"So castles made of sand, fall into the sea...eventually..."

Too bad my foundation is strong. Don't mind me. I'm just venting.

Do I speak a different language?

So I told my big bro (in a fraternity) that I like the Egyptian guy (in the same fraternity) and I tell him not to tell.

And what does he do? He tells him. See the conflict?

"Well I thought you wanted me to tell him. Come on--you wanted me too." This is my Big Bro's logic.

I said "Nooooooo, you wanted to tell him."

I throw my hands up in defeat!