Under Pressure

I'm a little stressed right now.

Why? Plain and simple...I'm moving to a new apartment.

Packing and transporting your life to a different location is not a fun event.

Books, Planes and Extraordinary Things

I'm reading the Chronicles of Narnia. Yeah, the entirety of the Chronicles. I had never read them before, not one, and when my friend Kendal learned this fact, proceeded to hand me a stack of books. I'm only on the first one--The Magician's Nephew--but I read 50 pages last night, because it's just that good.

I'm going on vacation on Tuesday with my parents. Seattle and Canada. I'm excited to go on a plane, because planes thrill me to the core, especially take-off.

It's funny to write this post after my oh-so-deathly-serious post last time. But I'm moving on from the past as best I can. I've got places to see and better things to do with my time than obsess over a boy. My heart desires the sky right now.

the final word

So, for the past few months (or maybe more), I've been extremely quiet on my love life. The last guy I mentioned was Sweater Guy, which feels like ages ago--and he's just my friend now, fittingly.

But now, I feel like it's time for me to open up about someone that has consumed a little too much of my thoughts. I finally feel ready to write this down, and maybe finally write it out of my heart.

I have a guy best friend--his name starts with a J, so we'll go with that--who has been a major presence in my life for the last year or so. When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, he was there to hold me. When I was having a bad day, I'd wander over to his house (he lives down the street) for a hug or laugh.

Consequently--through time and a gaining sense of closeness--I really fell for this guy. And really, I had never fallen for anyone before. There was just one huge HUGE problem, one that should have sent an instant signal to my brain to stop these feelings as soon as possible. This guy has a girlfriend (fiance now). I knew it was wrong to want him, but I convinced myself that I couldn't change what was in my heart--after all, this was not some random guy, this was my confidant, my good friend.

Nothing happened physically, but emotionally there was a connection between us that I believe crossed the line. He made it known that in another time, another place, he'd be with me. That's something he should have never said. That's something that I held onto for too long.

When he proposed to his then-girlfriend in May, man...my heart shattered. I won't lie about it. So if you go back and read some of my posts then, and feel a sense of depression, well that's why.

I'm writing about this now because it finally feels good to write it out. I cried many tears over it and to tell it to you all helps my soul. And most of all, I want to write this sentence out, so I can re-read it and realize that it's absurd:

I feel that if I give him up, and the idea of being with him, I'll never fall in love again, never get married and moreover, never be happy again.

Writing that out, I laugh. It's just not the truth. But isn't that where fear of heartache stems from?

I realize now, writing this, that I will one day find a man that loves me so much, I'll love him ten times more than J. Cause J loves me as a friend, but he just doesn't love me enough to be with me. I deserve more than that, and it's finally something that I'm starting to believe day by day.

Alright, that was long. But it felt good to say. Clearing the mind works wonders, and maybe my heart can start to really heal as a result of it.

i can hardly contain myself

So you may roll your eyes as this, but as I've mentioned before...I was always a big *NSYNC fan back in the day. Sadly, my little boy band has broken up since their glory days, but there have been a couple boys that have had solo careers. One of those boys, in case you didn't know his name, is JustinTimberlake. Hmmm...have you heard of him? Yeah--he's not that well known, so here's a picture:

So my roomate Ali and I (she's also a former boy band fan) were perusing the internet for concerts to go to--lo and behold, Justin Fucking Timberlake is having a concert (yeah, that's this middle name).

Yeah, the tickets were overpriced. And yeah, Justin has become pretty overproduced. But I love him so--can you tell he was my favorite *NSYNC member? So I have to support my past loves, you know?

The best part? The show is in Vegas on September 1st, at the Mandalay Bay.

Ohhhh man, this should be interesting.

Jaclyn and I had this great conversation over Greek food today. Well, maybe it wasn't as great as it was intellectual and depressing, but it was a deeper conversation that usual.

Some background: Jaclyn is a conservative. I am not. But we agreed upon one thing today:

America is so corrupt. Not that you didn't know that for yourselves, but once we started to list all the things it is corrupt for...well, we had to stop. It was just too much.

Politicians don't have souls. Yes, I've come to that conclusion. They use various groups at various times to get what they want--just shifty chameleons that alter their personalities and beliefs in order to bribe you for your vote.

All in turn for what? Power...money...more corruption. As much as I've been into the politics before, for all I've learned, they've definitely turned me off.

Really, how can people be so horrible? Again I say, they possesseth no souls!!

Sorry to rant about this...but it disgusts me, and makes me so sad for the country we've become. Or maybe the country we've always been? Has everything been one big mockery? It's quite possible.

sun kissed

Just a few pictures I wanted to share from the past few days...

There was actually a man on the beach with a metal detector. And I thought I only saw that in cartoons :)

My sister's cat Blossom decided to get close-up and personal with the camera.

At the beach on the Fourth. Yeah--it was crowded. And I was there for 9 hours!!

My roomates and I went to go see Ratatouille, thus a picture of acting like rats was in order.

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I just wanted to share some summer randomness :)