My Resolutions for 2008

Yeah, I decided to make a few.

1. Learn how to let go this year. I hold onto sadness, anger and all of my emotions for way too long. I need to learn how to just let it slide, a.k.a. be more easy going.

2. Open up to other guys besides J. I HAVE to do this. This whole year, I definitely pushed other guys away that could have been a strong presence in my life--not necessarily to date, but to at least befriend. All because I invested too much energy/time into J. A lot of that (but not all) was a big waste of time.

3. Graduate and get a "real" job. Haha, well I think I can get the graduating part done. I'll get back to you on the job part :)

4. Laugh more, Love more, Smile More, Hug more. Just more of all the good things in life. I've been wearing a frown for far too long.

5. Go to the gym more. Haha, I had to throw a trivial one in there. But I can do it!! (Uhhh, when I feel like it). But really, I need to take a turn towards being more healthy and less of a couch potato.

That's all for now...and what are your resolutions may I ask?

I heart John Cusack

So I just watched High Fidelity for the first time. What a GREAT movie. I MUST have it!!!!

Ok, off to look for jobs...just wanted to comment on that amazing movie!!

Refresh

Sometimes it just takes me a freakin' long time to realize how stupid I've been in the past...but life is about learning, right?

Today was one of those days where I just kind of snapped out of it. Don't you have those days where you just kind of kick yourself in the ass and go "stop being all sad, and live your fucking life!" It just kind of hits you out of nowhere.

I realized that J will regret never being with me, cause I make for a damn good friend/lover/person. And he'll just never know what he could have had...until he finally realizes it and it's too late--and I'm married to some hot Australian surfer. Haha, I sound like some girl empowerment article in Seventeen magazine or something. But, it's good to come to that realization on my own. People spend a lot of time telling you to move on because you're better than you know, and that's all good and well, but you don't really take it in till you realize it yourself.

Well, New Year's is coming up and I have to work that night...laaaaaame, I know. But I'm excited to start anew. Of course I will have a list of resolutions and stuff soon.

Sexy Lady

Your Name Is Damn Sexy! :) Your name scored 141 in the "How Sexy Is Your Name Test"

How Sexy Is Your Name?

Ummmm, so you should see if you can beat my sexy score :) I didn't think that Ashley was a sexy name, but the "How Sexy is Your Name?" Calculator told me it was, so I can't argue!

I'll write a "real" post soon...

I've Seen Fire and I've Seen Rain

So I just found out that a friend of mine died recently, and I'm getting pissed off cause I can't find out how he died.

But it's a little shocking to hear about, and I'm getting flashbacks to when I was 17 and found out that my friend Garrett died.

Let me tell you though, hearing that someone's life has ended puts things into perspective...and makes me really realize that I should stop being so fucking sad over life, cause at least I have it.

And yeah, I know it's so stupid to finally come to that realization when someone DIES--like that's what it has to take--but sometimes it does.

So this is for my friend Leonard, who was my age, and a genuinely nice person--a little bit of nerd, a little bit of sincereness, a little bit of cuteness all mixed into one person. Death is so elusive, and it's hard to believe that anyone should go so young.

There's nothing more to say here, only that we should appreciate every moment, every single moment. I'll leave you with a comment Leonard left me once when I posted a sad blog on facebook (I don't write on facebook often)...I hadn't talked to him in years, but I've known him since middle school, he said:

Hey Ashley,
I haven't seen or talked to you in forever, but on the news feed when I just signed on this was one of the first things I saw and it made me pretty sad to hear. Life is a highway full of smooth riding but every now and then there those occasional bumps in the road. Life happens and basically that sucks, but there are so many great things in life. Whenever I hit a low in life, which has been happening a lot lately with the stress of school building and life in general, I always find comfort in knowing that everything happens for a reason, whether it be a good thing to put a smile on our face, or a bad thing to help us grow and learn from. My favorite prayer when I'm sad is the Serenity Prayer, it's a really good one and helps me to understand and deal with things. I hope things get better and that you get many hugs, if i could I would send a hug from Michigan, but maybe we can hang out sometime when I'm back in Cali and I'll give ya that hug. Take care now and smile.

I think this sums up Leonard all in one paragraph.

Oh, Comfort Food

I just got cookies from my friend (whom I call my Zero--long story) and that makes me smile. She baked them for me and is an amazing cook, and I should make lots of money so I can pay her to make me food every night....

ok, the end.

I'm having mood swings, I realize.

Return Back

There's a part of me that longs to be free
Away with the wind, far away from him.
Sometimes I try to hold back the tears
all the foolish fears
that life will never get better,
that the flood will only get wetter.

And sometimes I think,
I've forgotten how to wink.
How to laugh, how to smile.

Too many feelings come
then you start becoming numb
wishing that you'll never feel again.

But in the end
I know
that hope always grows,
and you can't keep a heart depressed,
mine's too strong to suppress.

It beats in hopes to be glad
to pump out all the sad
to see the living green,
purple, turquoise and inbetween.

To get out of a colorless world,
to become, once again, a whole girl.
And soon you'll see
that I'll return back,
back to the old me.

Better Days

Yay...ok so my roomie and I bought a X-mas tree yesterday. It was the first Xmas tree we've ever bought on our own. And we're decorating the ornaments for it (with glitter puffy paint!). Soon I will have pictures when it is completely decorated. And it will look magnificent!

Ok, update on my "situation." Well, I had a really hard time this week with the thought of not being J's friend at all. Like, A REALLY hard time. And maybe I should have just waited it out longer...well, yeah, that's a given. But, I contacted him, and we had another talk...and I told him that it would make me feel better to see him every now and then within a group context--something like once a month.

I think this might be the best solution for someone that I used to see EVERYDAY. And I feel more at ease.

Eh, it's not like I really know how to navigate this insane ride of life. But I try and hope for the best.

Can I Get An Opiate?

Man this has been one roller coaster of a week. I've been a mess. And at the same time I've been stronger, and then I've been a mess again. You know that uncontrollable sobbing that lurks up on you, and you just can't fight it? Yeah, that's been the story of my life this week.

But it's not just because of him. It's also cause it's finals week. It's also cause my boss has been the BIGGEST asshole this week (not to mention the regular asshole he's been the whole semester). And so, I'm quitting. I waited it out for 2 months. And I've hated it for two months. Time for a new job, and soon graduation is coming anyway. These are nothing jobs that aren't worth anything, anyways.

Good Note: I'm seeing Foo Fighters in March :) YAAAAAAAAY. I heart concerts, especially of the rock persuasion!

By the way, I haven't contacted my ex-friend this whole week, and I'm proud of myself. Cause I want to, but I'm refraining. And I'm getting through this week...chuggin' thought, The Little Ashley Engine That Could...that's my name.

Finally Time.

I said goodbye to him. I think I knew that I had to when I was writing my earlier post. I knew the answer to my own question.

I said goodbye. I told we can't be friends now...maybe in a couple of years, I told him.

He said he was so sorry for ever hurting me, for crossing the line and that he loved me.

I will always love him. Always. And that is why this is so hard for me, so, so, so hard. I can't believe I actually told him goodbye. But I knew I had to.

It's never easy to say goodbye to one of your best friends. But this long long break will probably let us be friends again one day, because where we stand right now, we're not friends...we're just broken and confused.

Time for me to go now, pick up the pieces and get out the glue. Time for me to really heal the wounds.

♥

Do You Really Ever Get Over It?

I feel compelled to write, so here goes...

So you all know that I've been hurt by someone, pretty badly (the few of you that have read through my girly nonsense).

Sometimes, when I have my good days (you know those days where everything just feels right), I believe that I am "over it."

But then I have my days like today, where the pain kind of flares up, and I am reminded that, no, I am not completely over it. And don't worry--I'm not depressed, suicidal or anything of the like. But, I still have this pain that I carry with me, that I've carried for awhile...

DOES IT EVER GO AWAY???????

I'm asking you all because many of you are older, wiser, more experienced than I. So tell me, have you truly gotten over pain?

Furthermore, I pose another question...do you think you can remain friends with that person that has caused you pain? So, my friend J...that's who this is about. Right now, we're on a friend hiatus of sorts. I told him we needed a break from each other, and that we could be friends after a few months, when I'm "over it."

But I'm starting to really ask myself...can I be his friend? Should I be his friend? Can you go back to being friends after being more than friends?

In all truthfulness, I love him. And I love him dearly. I want him to be happy. And I still want him in my life, but I wonder if that is for the best. I wonder if I will ever really heal if I keep him in my life.

And again, do you ever heal?

Ok, I'm asking a lot of questions, I know. But it's one of those things where I'm just contemplating telling him that we're better off as, well nothing. Not friends, not anything. And although that really makes me sad, part of me wonders if we have a friendship to save anyway.

Love, life, pain...it's all too complicated for a simple-minded girl.

I'd like your input, I really would.

I Want To...

1. Write childrens' books when "I grow up." Or maybe just books in general.

2. Live in a place that rains often.

3. Learn how to play the piano, someday.

4. Learn how to speak Turkish.

5. Dance every dance ever made.

6. Go to Italy (sooooooooooooooooo badly).

7. Fall in love with someone totally and completely worthy of me, someone simply smashing.

8. Wear as much purple as possible.

9. Touch someone's life, without money, but with the heart.

10. Have kids, and raise them chillins up right :)

11. Smile more.

12. Learn everything about the people around me.

13. Go for a walk in the snow (since I've never seen snow!)

14. Become more spiritual.

15. Love with all my ♥

Just wanted to share some of the things I want to do. Tell me what you want as well, I'm curious.

Hold Me, Hold Me!

I went to church tonight, and Pastor Miles told me a little story that I thought you would appreciate:

He said a football player he knew (cause Pastor Miles used to play for the Chargers long ago) came up to him to get some marriage counseling. He told Miles "Things just aren't going great. She just had our baby and she's stressed and we've been fighting over every little thing and, we just don't...our, um..."

Pastor Miles: Your sex life is gone?

Football Player: Yeah. So maybe I can bring her another day and you can counsel us and...

Pastor Miles: Time out. Let me tell you what to do right now. You need to go home, and bow down before her, and tell her sorry for being so dumb. You need to soak her feet in some warm water, and give her roses. And then you need to ask her 5 ways that you can help to make her life better. And then do those things for her. Do all of this and get back to me."

Pastor Miles said a week passed, and the football player came back, big smile on his face and said "Man! Pastor Miles! Things are so much better! How did you know to do that?"

Pastor Miles: Cause I was dumb like you once.

***
People forget sometimes that we are ultimately happiest when we give ourselves to others and put ourselves last. I came home after service and gave my roommates big hugs. They kind of gave me a look at first, but hugged me back and smiled afterward.

Don't forget to go hug or smile at someone today.

Gettin' By

I'm drinking some coffee with Peppermint Mocha creamer in it. Mmmmm. Starbucks, eat your heart out!

Going to a play tonight, By the Bog of Cats. It's an adaptation of the Greek tragedy Medea. Should be good, hopefully.

I do better everyday in life. I truly get by with a little help from my friends (thanks to the Beatles). I'm doing well right now. Remembering that life is precious and valuable. Sometimes, I forget that. Sometimes, we all forget that.