I'm Not a Wussy

So I've been trying to do my taxes today, but instead I've been watching High Fidelity (again). I guess you can say I haven't tried at all. haha.

Random fact about Ashley: I was supposed to be born on April 15th--a.k.a. when taxes are due. Instead, I was born on March 3rd. Yes, I was a premie, if you haven't figured that out.

I am quite happy that it is Spring break. But I feel like I can't relax completely with classes and graduation looming over my week. I need to learn to relax. It's just nice to have the time off (to which I am dedicating to taxes...after I write this).

***

I'm at a point in my life where I don't really know what I want or where I'm going. I realized (in these past few days) that I was dedicating far too much energy into the thought of J. The friendship/relationship/toxic-ship I had with him was just too much. I really need to focus on myself now, and not attach to anyone else.

I've realized, this past year, just how strong I am. I'm made of iron or something. I have been beaten, bruised, pulled through the mud and I am still standing (but walking with a limp, haha). I know I've posted about this before, but it is amazing just how much humans can take and still survive. And I believe God has made us that way--really freakin' resilient.

So, Tim--yes, I'm calling you out--next time you make fun of my music choice, I'm going to have to take you down. Uh huh, wussy. ( Have you guys ever watched Titus by the way? That's the best way to say wussy).

Goodluck and Goodbye

I love English artists. This girl has such a cute voice. Her name is Mutya Buena.

I disabled the comment section on the last post because, well, I didn't really want any advice on what happened. I just wanted to write it down and send it out.

Give that big final good luck and goodbye to your all time top-five...

(but thanks for your comment on Facebook, Frank, haha).

I was more livid over this subject yesterday (and not really as mature as you think, Frankie). But I've gathered myself today. I won't panic, like Mutya sings in her little song that I've posted :)

Shutting the Door

This is the last post I'll write about J for awhile.

We had a talk today. A talk that was most likely necessary, but a talk that was so very hard to take. He told me couldn't be my friend for awhile. He said, "you don't want to be around me right now."

I agreed with him in the end, because I know, deep down, that we just need time apart. And I know, deep down, that our friendship will thrive again one day if it is strong enough. And if not...well that's the test, isn't it?

In the end, I think I always loved him more than he ever could love me. And yes, I know that I deserve more. Don't worry, I know I'm a good catch--you don't have to tell me twice.

But this ordeal has always been about more than whether he'll date me or not. This is about the loss of a friend, one that I used to see everyday, laugh with everyday, smile with everyday.

Eventually those smiles turned to frowns and furrowed eyebrows as our relationship became complicated. I've been holding onto what was for too long.

It's time to look at what can be for me in the future. With graduation just around the corner, what better time to look foward and move on?

***


I take a sharp turn
at that detour sign
I can't go back now
I'm leaving you behind

I'm driving now
to a brighter place
with golden fields
to forget your face

And once I get there
I'll finally begin
shedding the thought of you
stripping my old skin

One more look in the rear view
reveals a man that I once knew
one I can't love anymore
leave the key, I'll shut the door

I'm Yours

♫ Listening to "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz ♫

Have you heard this song? SO cute!!! Yeah you may roll your eyes at the lyrics, but if you're me you'll just go "awwww."

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
I love peaceful melody
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Now I know I should give up on the idea of J...but here's the thing: once you've really given (and opened) your heart to someone it's hard to just shrug that person off.

So J and I landed on this conversation the other day, and he admitted that he had feelings for me. Now--if nothing else were to happen, this news at least eases my soul a little. When you're in the kind of situation I'm in, you tend to get a little insecure. It's just nice to know that someone cares.

Anyway, I want to make it known that if another amazing guy came along and really caught my attention...yeah, I would leave the idea of J behind. But since that hasn't happened yet, I'm not going to just give up on the person I love the most. Despite his faults, I love him the most.

Just a little more on Mormons.

Why didn't anyone comment on the Chocolat part in my last post? haha.

Ok, just to clarify I was mostly joking in the previous post. Well, being that I am Christian, I do find the Mormon beliefs more than crazy. However, I do have some Mormon friends that are aren't that crazy, I guess. haha. And these are friends that live by the rules of Mormonism and really practice it.

I also want to add that I commend anyone who has the strength to follow and comply with a religion. Going against the norm, and trying to remain faithful in a world of sex, drugs and money is hard. Really hard.

So I can admire Mormons for all that they sacrifice (going on mission trips, church everyday at 5am, etc.)

But dude, you just can't have 18 wives. Ok? Cause that's where I draw the line.

Alright, that's all I have to say for now.

Random thing I HAVE to tell you: I'm going to see JIM GAFFIGAN'S standup in November in L.A. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. If you don't know who Jim Gaffigan is, I feel sorry for you.

A few comments on chocolate. And Mormons.

I saw the movie Chocolat for the first time yesterday. It's great! Except that it was giving me constant chocolate cravings every 5 minutes!!!

and, I have one more thing to say...

Mormons really are weird. Sorry, I know I am stereotyping. But honestly, I've never had an encounter with a Mormon that wasn't strange.

Ok, ok...so not EVERY Mormon I've met is insane. But the vast majority is crazy and should seriously consider going on medication.

This is why: I work for a childcare agency on the side. I went to a private residence today to watch this little girl, and dude, I swear this girl hardly has a soul. And her mom gave me the creeps. And then when I put the girl to bed, I saw the Book of Mormon on her nightstand and had an "Ah ha!" moment.

Look, I'm not trying to spread hate here, I'm simply giving my opinion. Which is of course always right. Because, I said so.

Prevailing

This has been an unpleasant week. Sometimes I really let stress get the best of me, but I'm starting to take control over that stress again.

I got to see one of my good friends Rachel last night, which was really great, because I love talking with Rachel about life in general. Rach has a good sense of who she is and what she stands for, and she doesn't really waiver on that for anyone. She is an example of a strong female that I really admire.

Sometimes I let situations (school, job, stress) and people (J) get the best of me and control me. Why spend the time worrying? Life will unfold the way it's supposed to unfold. Sometimes there is literally nothing we can do to change outcomes; so what good is it to cry over the things we cannot change?

Of course, in the next few weeks I will encounter yet another stressful experience in life (ohhhh life). But I'm not gonna let it supress me. Nobody puts Baby in the corner!!!

haha, wait...where did that come from?

De-Stressify

I need to de-stressify myself. Yes, I'm making that a word.

Ohhhhhhhh man, I try to not let the little things get to me, but they do! I really really really really wish I were one of those persons that let life's obstacles to roll off their shoulder. I hold onto stress way too easily.

And what I'm stressing over is totally fixable. 1) I'm stressing over finding a part time job until school ends and 2) I'm stressing over some assignments that are due soon.

Writing them out, it ain't no thang but a chicken wang. I will get these things done...I'll find a job...I'll accomplish everything I need to.

I need to stop letting all the small stuff build up into one huge STRESS MONSTER that follows me around and makes me feel like I'm suffocating.

Yes, I realize my ridiculousness right now. I just need to BREATHE.

Writing about it always helps...

♫ Listening to "Don't Worry Baby" by the Beach Boys ♫

Lamb Chop Killa'

I used to watch Lamb Chop as a kid (what a morbid name). So I was really excited when I opened my mom's closet and Lamb Chop fell out. Turns out my mom bought it for my nephews, but forgot to give it to them (for Christmas). So, like a dork, I asked if could have her.

Ever since I brought her back to my apartment, my roommate Ali has despised her. Ali says that Lamb Chop's eyelashes are too big and make her look soulless. But I say that Ali's just jealous of those luscious, full eyelashes.

Ali thinks that Lamb Chop is going to eat her at night, so of course I play into this because I am evil. I enjoy torturing Ali by placing Lamb Chop next to her face while she is still asleep. Ali then wakes up and SURPRISE!

I guess it also doesn't help that Ali has an irrational fear of killer stuffed animals coming to life at night to terrorize humans.

hehehe. I like being evil. mwahahaha haha hahahaha *cough*

Remaining Fierce

Watching High Fidelity right now. It's my medicine. (J just might be the Charlie in my life, haha).

I wrote J an e-mail (cause I explain my emotions better in writing) and said that I want to be there for him during this tough time, and I love him, but he needs to treat me with respect and not use me (i.e. we kissed the other night...NOT a good move).

I want to believe that J cares, but all of you are right--he needs to actually show that. Anyway, I said in the e-mail that it's better if we just hang out in group settings. I want our friendship to grow, because no matter what, I know we'll stay friends.

This is the healthy way to go about things. Kissing him, holding him...those things are not going to make the situation better. Even though I did some of those things to try to make him feel better, because he's so sad right now. It's just a temporary solution, though--and I will help him (and our friendship) so much more if I continue to lend my support from a distance.

Anyway, I won't ramble on. I appreciate all the advice you all gave me. I'm someone who truly likes to take advice in and contemplate all my options. So thanks :)

I'm off today to study for italian (blah) and look up more jobs. Ta-Ta for now.

P.S. Yes, the title is a reference to Christian from Project Runway...I love that gay boy!!!!

Oh Goodness.

So I've been talking about J a lot, and I forgot to mention another guy that has been, um, pursuing me.

This guy--Q--has known me for over a year. I hang out with him every now and then. Last week, when we were hanging out, he said, "Ash, I'd like to take you to dinner." I didn't think much of it at the moment, but when he called me the next day to ask the same question, it hit me--he was asking me out on a date.

Now, Q is a nice guy. Don't get me wrong. And I've known that he's had a "thing" for me for awhile. But I didn't think he'd actually do anything about it.

So, I sent a text back saying, "Ok, we can go to dinner, as long as we're going as friends."

What proceeded was a series of texts he sent saying that he's liked me since last summer, he thinks we would work as a couple, and so on and so on.

My every response was something along the lines of "But I just want to be your friend."

And I feel bad about it! On top of this, today he gave me an adorable (belated) birthday present: brownies, a purple card (with a rhyming poem inside) and a No Strings Attached album by *NSYNC...haha--because I like *NSYNC and I mentioned once in front of him that I was bummed I lost the CD booklet inside. Ahhhhhhh! How did he remember that?!?!

So I told J about everything Q did (yes--I hang out with J, still). And J said "Are you not dating Q because of me? Because he's a great guy."

And that's not why I won't date Q. I'm just truly not interested in dating Q.

But it makes me wonder...what is wrong with me?? Seriously though...I love the guy that has hurt me, made me cry, doesn't deserve me...and I won't date the guy that worships me.

I realize that I'm messed up in the head, you don't have to tell me.

Looking through rose colored glasses.

Like the card I drew for my sister? I was born March 3rd and she was born March 4th. We're one day away from being exactly 20 years apart. She's my half-sister. My mom had her when she was 24, and had me when she was 44.

Have I told you guys that before? Sometimes people have a weird dumbfounded look when I tell them that story, haha.

Anyway, I appreciate all the advice from the last post. Don't worry, this situation isn't "consuming" me by any means, I was just kind of venting. Sometimes you just gotta write out every emotion and every little thought that's romancing your brain.

We'll see how the future pans out...

Right now, I'm just applying for side jobs like crazy! Ah! Craigslist actually makes it a little easier.

Oh, the internet in all its wonders...

Not the final word?

Ok, ok, ok. Some shocking news has been revealed to me this past week, and it's been consuming all my thoughts.

So some of you have been around readin' this blog long enough to read my posts about J. He's the one, that for the most part, completely shattered my heart. You can read about it here.

So he got engaged (which hurt a lot) and it's been a long process, but I've been slowly accepting the fact that he's getting married and that I should move on with my life. The shocking news? He is no longer getting married. The engagement was broken off.

I don't know how to take this news. And the main thing that keeps popping in my head, that I'm trying to push out?? Of course, that maybe he and I can be together...It angers me that I'm having these thoughts...I've spent months convincing myself that I'm too good for him (I am), he doesn't deserve me (he doesn't) and I can do so much better (I can).

But my heart, my stupid irrational heart, says otherwise. Damn you heart, damn you!!

This is not something I'm thinking about for the near future. He just broke off an engagement, for God's sake. I know that he's hurting, and needs time alone to heal.

I'm so torn with my emotions right now, and what could be. I didn't think I'd be in this spot. I accepted his freakin' marriage! Can you see how this is frustrating for me?

And through all this, I know that if the opportunity presented itself, and he wanted to eventually be with me too...

I would say yes. I really hate that I would say yes. I hate it. But I don't hate him at all. And I would regret never trying.

Life is really fucking annoying. It makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs. And the part that is scaring me the most? What if I'm putting all these thoughts into being with him, now that he's "single," and he doesn't want to be with me? This is putting me in an extremely vulnerable position.

I don't think I can take being hurt by him again. I just don't know what to do with my life right now.

My Heros ♥

OH MY GOD. (by the way, isn't my shirt in the picture the best shirt EVER?)

AMAZING show with the Foo Fighters last night. AMAZING. Man, if anything should be called smashing, it should be that.

Dave Grohl was two feet away from me. I have never been that close to a performer, ever!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I'm sorry, I can hardly contain this excitement of mine.

I think I almost cried during Everlong (which started out slow, with just Dave and a guitar, and then was rocked out by the end).

Some highlights:

• The drummer from the Police performed for one song.
• Dave Grohl's hilarious jokes, for example, "You guys try playing a gig after the 'Big Me' video came out. How would you like to have fuckin' mentos thrown at your head?"
  
• "Best of You" and "All My Life" gave me chills performed live.
• I've never heard any venue scream that loud. Even at Justin freakin' Timberlake's concert.
• They played a 2-hour set.That's over 20 songs, biiiiiitches!

I am still reeling from this amazing experience. There is just something about rock concerts that dominate over other concerts. They are cathartic. Any secret pain or heartache is pounded out of you with every drumbeat and strum of the guitar.

I couldn't bring my camera in the venue, so sorry--I don't have pictures of Dave Grohl freakin' 2 feet away from me!! But my friend got some on his camera phone, so maybe I'll post his pictures later.

ANYWAY, I won't go on forever.

I love music.

Um, Yay.

FOO FIGHTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOING DOWN TONIGHT!!! YAAAAAAAY!

I ♥ concerts!

P.S. My dad still has his job.
P.P.S. I learned some SHOCKING news yesterday...I'll explain later.

I'll be writing a new post soon.

Eh.

Yeah, today was my birthday, but today was...blah.

I've had much better birthdays before. Maybe I expect too much.

The test and the paper didn't help, but that wasn't the reason my birthday wasn't up to par.

The reason is that my dad may be losing his job (he is a teacher) and yeah, this puts a lot of strain on the family. It's that feeling of helplessness, you know? It's news I didn't really want to hear on my Bday, but I understand why they told me.

Eh. I'm still going to a Foo Fighters concert on Wednesday. So there is SOMETHING to look foward to. We always have to keep looking foward.

Splendid, Simply Splendid

Well, I don't know if there's much to say about the Birthday Extravaganza I had, so here are a few pictures (they do ALL the talking)...Just being Myspace-y. We're such girls.

I thought the light looked cool here. Red light special! haha, j/k, guys. I ain't a ho!

The "Birfday" Girls. We had lots of fun. Ali has big, ummmm, I won't go there.

Cute Sean couldn't make it, but it's better that way. It was a good girls' night. And life shouldn't be ALL about your love life. Man, I danced till I couldn't dance no' mo.' Um, I may have had a few drinks, too.

So it's back to the grind, now. Except my birthday is tomorrow so that'll be an abnormal monday, since my friends will shower me with love!!!! hehe. Ta Ta for now.