I'm just in a thinking mood.

It's a little rainy today in SD, and that always puts me in a writing mood. And I absolutely adore the rain!

It was nice to get out this past weekend--I went to L.A. with my old roommate Ali to paint the town purple (which is better than red) and go to her aunt's 60th birthday party. I truly hope that when I'm 60 I can look back at my life and know that I lived it with gusto and passion.

Besides the birthday party, there was something else that happened over the weekend that got me thinking about life. Ali's cousin Tami, whom I've met and hung out with several times before, had tragedy strike her life. She lost her dad to a heart attack; she's only 20 years old. On top of that, Tami had already lost her mother 10 years ago. Obviously, this makes her an orphan.

I am so damn lucky to have my parents in my life still. So damn lucky. Especially when my dad had, and beat his cancer 2 years ago. So lucky. There are times in your life when you really learn to cherish that. This is one of those times.

And Another Thought.

Did you know?

The same part of your brain that registers religious experience also registers music and sexual pleasure.

Prettyyyyyyy interesting.

Just a Thought

Birds don't worry every day like I do. Singing their little tunes, they go out each and every day and catch their food. They do not store; they do not worry about what tomorrow brings, for the big man upstairs takes care of them all the same.

I should learn a lesson from those little pip squeaks. For who of us, by worrying, can add a single hour to our lives?

Just a thought.

Why not add one more post?

I'm on a roll today with posting, I guess. haha. So here's one more poem. There's not a title yet, and maybe it needs to be edited. Eh, but here you go:

I refuse, I most ardently refuse
to bow down to this world
a planet full of ventriloquits
that urges me to be the puppet

Still I refuse, I adamantly refuse
to succumb to your constant messages
messaging me, constantly
washing my brain, stripping it of any color
individualism
intelligence
it is proud to carry

Yes, I refuse, I must completely refuse
to be a junkie of your lies
that if maybe I was the perfect size
had those suede designer boots
kept up with dying my roots
just maybe he'd find me cute

I refuse, I really have to refuse
to be abused
when there's so much more to this woman
who only bows down to the real king
who cares not about her looks, her job, her car, her clothes
but cares only
about the depth of her soul

I refuse, with everything inside of me, I refuse
to believe in anything other than the truth.

Can you take me to...Funkytown?

I started feeling better as the day proceeded. Maybe cause I've been dancing--I got Robyn's CD. You know...the chick I was giving praise to a couple posts ago? yeah, that one.

The CD is ultra funky, and I can't help but dance dance dance while I'm listening to it (one of my favorite activities). The beats are intricate but intoxicating. Funky is definitely the word for this album.

Music always makes me happier. Always. Lovin' it!

Morning Coffee

Clang clack cling
goes my spoon on the mug
as I form maps with my creamer
of my plans for my life

Dreams dreams dreams
of bigger things than
this room
this desk
this coffee

Am I walking about
in a desolate land?
Or do I have to uncover
those sparkling hidden rubies?

I'll find my jewels soon enough
my strength tells me so
until then I wait patiently
and take another sip

Le Sigh

It's so easy to get discouraged with this job hunt. Yes, even an optimistic girl like me has some pessimism in her. It's hard when you try really hard, yet don't yield any immediate results. However, I suppose that will make it more gratifying in the end.

It's hard to prove to all these places that I'm a great worker. Cause really, I am. But how can one prove that? Saying it doesn't do much. I do wish I would have focused more on getting internships in college. But why does everything always have to be done a certain way? I was so busy in school with all my activities and my job that I knew very well I couldn't handle an internship on top of that. Therefore, I did the sensible thing.

I just get a little antsy with all the waiting. I'm a girl of action...I don't like feeling stuck! Waiting just makes me nervous.

And so I sit here on the dock of the bay, waiting for the next fish to nibble on my bait, hoping that I make a great catch.

Who's That Girl

I'm kinda obsessed with this song...if you're a guy, you may not think it's anything special. But if you are female, the pressures of being perfect are still quite dominant in our culture. This song touches on that. AND, do you guys remember Robyn??? She released "Show Me Love" a gazillion years ago! Now she's edgier. And I LIKE it. Take a listen:



My favorite lyric in the song: The girls won't say no, Or ask you why. I won't let you love me, until you really try. :)

Snipity Snip

Yeahhhh, basically I chopped off all my hair. haha. I get bored too easily--I decided to get this haircut in all of like, 5 minutes. But that's the best way to do it!

I've never had it this short! But now I can rock the messy do and no one can complain. ha.

Ready to Mingle

I'm sure you have all heard this song by now, but seriously, you need hear Adele sing live...smashing. Although the sound quality isn't great on these little internet videos, I still got chills from her voice. How can you go wrong with an artist that lists Ella Fitzgerald as one of her influences?

To change the subject to guys (which I've been talking about a lot lately, haha)...I found out that Rudy may be dating this other girl. At an event last night, his friends were teasing him that he was talking to his "girlfriend" on the phone. Eh, so you win some and you lose some.

All I know is, with all the new events I've been going to through my church, there's plenty of good looking new guys yet to be discovered.

I'm still having a good time living my life and just being me, without putting my self worth into a guy.

Solitary (Wo)Man...Until the Right Time

What's this I hear about a possible *NSYNC reunion, Lance? I won't bore you all with the details, or bring out my inner teenyboppin' nerd...so I digress...

So months, upon months ago, I told you all that I had a crush on a guy named Cute Sean. Well, I added the cute part. I had invited him to my birthday party last March, to which he never showed (because of some roomate drama explosion he later told me about, and referred to as 'the incident'). Then I stopped working at the bookstore with him...so we kinda lost touch. I wasn't bummed since he was a recent addition to my life.

So I thought it was interesting when he contacted me this week, through myspace of all places, to ask me out on a date.

The only difference between when I met him then and now is that I have acquired new views on my faith in God and the role that plays in my life. I would have dated him then...but I thought to myself, would I now?

He's still the intelligent, charming, really funny guy that I liked instantly. Did I mention he's cute? haha. So as politely as possible, I wrote back that I could not date him...not that I didn't want to, but inevitably down the line our views would conflict. Not to mention the guidelines I have for dating and how that would drive a secular guy completely insane. ( I would never want to force a guy to go by my rules alone when he didn't believe in those rules).

I felt bad after I wrote it, and knew he might be upset when he wrote back. However, this is what he wrote:

Ash,
I could not understand more. You were correct in assuming that I was asking you out. In fact, I feel quite silly having done it through myspace of all things. I wanted to do it long ago but my life my extremely caotic. Its a long story and I did not want to bring you into it.

Faith is important. I understand because quite a few years ago I was with a women who's views differed greatly from mine. It caused many problems. Truth be told, I haven't felt the hand of God in my life since high school (an even longer story). I used to be an ardent baptist.
Frankly, I admire your candor and honesty. I also appreciate the kind things you said about me. My only hope is that this wasn't too awkard and that we can continue a friendship.

Sincerley,
Animal

Animal is something I nicknamed him, that stuck with his friends (as in Animal of the Muppets). Seriously, what a great guy! But it makes me feel good to know that I'm capable of choosing the right guy in my life at the right time. Saying yes to Sean would have been unfair to both him and me.

Although it's nice to confirm that Sean did, in fact, like me and my mind wasn't playing tricks on me or something.

(and yes, I happen to have a thing for Rudy still...but that's just a developing friendship at the moment, maybe I'll post on that another time).

♫Listening to "Solitary Man" by Neil Diamond (a mantra of sorts for me, I LOVE that song)♫

A few lyrics from that song:

I've had it to here
Bein where
Loves a small world
Part-time thing
Paper ring

I know its been done
Having one
Girl who'll love me
Right or wrong
Weak or strong

Dont know that I will
But until I can find me
The girl wholl stay
And wont play games behind me
Ill be what I am
A solitary man
Solitary man

It's my song! Except, just switch the gender...since, um, I'm not a man.

It's kismet!

Kismet is turkish for "fate."

For FOREVERRRRRRRRR I've been wanting to learn Turkish. FOR-EV-ER. It's not a super common language, though, and not taught in a lot of schools. But because I've seen a plethora of Rosetta Stone advertisements lately, I decided that maybe, just maybe, they'd have Turkish.

THEY DO!!!!! Rosetta Stone is BALLIN!

(well, and so is the actual artifact in history, but I'm talkin' bout the program here).

I'm thrilled! This is not just about learning a language to know a language, this is about communicating with my family overseas, this is about my background--something that is part of me and something I am extremely proud to be a part of.

And, you know, then I can talk smack about people in a language that hardly anyone knows in the U.S., mwahahaha! *cough* Kidding, of course.

*doing a dance right now*

Not Like In My Day

What is with this Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus craze? I mean, really people...

When pop was huge in "my day" --the big pop explosion of the late 90s--all the bands were actually talented. Cheesy, yes. But they had the voices of angels. Obviously there were a few exceptions, namely Britney Spears; however, at least Britney can still out perform the Jonas Brothers, who thrash about on stage and squeak out every line.

And Miley...goddddd, can someone please pull that chick off the stage?!

Yeah, I loved *NSYNC. You may shake your head at that, but there was a reason to love those boys...they were excellent singers, excellent performers. As were many pop groups before them--the Jackson 5, The Beatles, New Edition, etc.

All I'm saying is, while pop songs are vapid and crappy to begin with, there still needs to be a little talent present. At LEAST dance for me, don't just hop around like an idiot.

Thus ends my rant of the day.

I'm Paying It Foward!

So, I never used to read that much when I was in school. Poli Sci minor=lots of reading about the Peloponnesian War and not much else.

But NOW that I have all this free time, I've fallen in love with reading! The most recent book I've read that was sincere, heart-wrenching and pretty damn amazing? Pay It Foward by Catherine Ryan Hyde. So maybe you've seen the movie, but the book is 10 times better. (Isn't the book always better?)

So, you know, if you're bored one day and you feel like reading something that challenges your way of thinking and forces you to examine what your life is about...well then pick up a copy!

If not, then go read something with Fabio on the cover, or something.

And You Should Be, Too

I'm going dancing tonight!

Anyone who has read this blog for a significant amount of time knows that this makes me EXTREMELY HAPPY.

Yay! ♥

Well,

Looks like the insurance thing turned out to be what I thought: something I DO NOT want to do! It was based on commissions and sales and all of that.

I don't know, I just want a job that I can be half-interested in, at least. Something that helps other people in some way. I don't want a job to be ALL about the cash flow. Yeah, I've established that I'm a gangsta, true. But I'm a thug of the heart.

Does that make sense? haha. I want a job that has some type of value in the world. Yeah, I wanna get paid, but I don't want to prostitute my mind, body and soul out for money. The mind and soul were made to be challenged in this life, not just become robotic all in attempt to have a bigger house or flashier car.

I'm getting huffy, so I digress...

to a topic about fashion! Project Runway to be exact (you don't have to read Frankie). LOOK AT THIS AMAZING DRESS. I wannnnnnnt it! (after I just talked about not loving material things, right?) But it's so beautiful!

I kind of overlooked Leanne in the beginning of the competition, but now I'm rooting for her. She creates beautiful garments that I can't help but admire! Plus, how can you not love that classic 30s glamour look?

Anyway, hope you all had a fine day today! With each day I grow wiser, stronger and more determined. Here's to all living the best life we can!

Tickled

In these lazy days
I'm feeling tickled as I graze
this new world and I'm amazed
at all the beauty in it

The daffodils sing to me
in the most delicious key
as the wind declares me free
the wonders are infinite

I let out a happy sigh
past the days when I used to cry
now I'm feeling 33 times high
but drugs have nothing to do with it

There's a feeling that I get
kind of like a violet sunset
have you felt it yet?
My soul is stronger than granite.

I see the most beautiful hue
purple gold maroon and blue
and my heart has been renewed.
One sweet day, one fine day, I hope you'll understand it.

***

I'll let you make your own conclusions as to what this about. Maybe one day I'll be an expert poet like Ant, and use meter and all that jazz!

Rolling With the Punches

Hmmm...well I'm trying to play around with my header, but the picture didn't come out that great, so I may play around with it more.

Today I'm trying to figure out a few things about jobs. I got rejected from a place I wanted to work at, and then got an offer from a place I didn't think I would ever work at. Hmmm...so I'm going to the interview for this place on Thurs. (an insurance agency) to at least practice my interviewing skills and see what they have to offer.

I'm not upset about the rejection. I'm a true believer in God=I'm a true believer in fate. So I'm just rolling with the punches here.

On the happy side, two of my friends, Josh and Cynthia, are engaged!!! I am so excited for them because they're the kind of couple that gives me hope in the idea of true love. I don't think I've ever been more excited for other people! I approve of this wedding, and it's hard to get the Ashley-seal-of-approval, let me tell ya.

So yeah, that's all I have to report today. I'm gonna keep applying and keep at it, and see if something I like comes up. I have a much more relaxed attitude about everything this week, and I've realized that THAT's the way to go about it. Hell yes it is.

Intrigued

Remember how I wrote a post about how I'm content being single until a guy that is intriguing enough comes along?

Well...it's nothing yet...but...there's this guy that has caught my attention. His name is Rudy (how cute is that name?). There's no rush. I just see something in him. And I'm excited to get to know him better.

That's all I have to say bout that.

Have a splendid Labor Day, all!