I've Got The Blues

I'm just playing around with colors here on my blog.

Tell me the truth, does it look too...easter-y? I just would like a refreshing change. Even though I adore purple, I've had the same colors up for...oh...probably a year.

Just let me know if the blue is fitting.

Happy New Year! (again)

** I took Frankie and Jay's advice and already made it darker :)

Futurisitc Year

Ah, the smell of coffee in the morning...

Sorry, got distracted. What did I want to write about? Oh yeah...

I'm excited for 2009. 2009? Why does that sound more futuristic to me than any of the other years we've had this millenium? For some reason it does.

I believe that I will be more...BOLD...this year. It's not even about being bold in the love department. I still hold tight to my beliefs that it's useless always searching for love, losing yourself in the process. If the right person comes along, then cheerio! But I'm just impatient. haha.

This year, I just want to become less guarded in every aspect of my life. I want to seek those dream jobs, even though they intimidate me. I want to push away my shyness when I first meet people. Etc., etc.

I won't babble on. I'll simply say, here's to an interesting, lovely, bold, smashing 2009! Go forth and drink some champagne (with raspberries...so good)! And be safe, you party animals.

I saw it there, in the sunset

Driving back from Santa Barbara today, I gawked outside the window to see the loveliest orange sunset, one that constrasted perfectly against the fading blue sky. Streaks of zesty tangerine triggered my mind to think of love, somehow. Maybe these Twilight books are getting to me.

Then I thought of you. And although my feelings for you are gone, and even though I remember quite well how much of an asshole/prick/douche bag you were to me, it's funny how I still wonder how you are, like I still care how you're doing. Well, I do.

Even though we may never be friends in the future, or even acquaintances, I still hope for your well being. Even though you confidently uttered the words often, I don't think you ever really loved me--it's ok, somehow I got over that part. I still want you to have a happy life, even though you left me bruised.

My only question...will I ever love so passionately again? Was it really love to begin with, or just agonizing infatuation? Guess I won't know until I try someone new. Until I find real love.

And so I come to my one and only New Year's Resolution: To be less guarded--that is, to open my heart to other options this year. Now that I am fully over the past, why am I still stalled in one gear? It's time to look toward the future with open arms, not with a high-five, or a handshake, but a full embrace.

I want to be open to sharing future sunsets with someone that will love me as much as I love them. I believe that's plausible.

Twas The Night Before Christmas

Another Christmas Eve is upon us. How many have I been through now? 23? Maybe 20 that I can remember?

How can I forget those Christmas Eves where I was forced to wear red tights and frilly little dresses? Don't forget the oversized Santa hat.

Those Christmas Eves where I couldn't go to sleep because my excited little heart beat for the thought of Ol' Saint Nick, and whether he would like the obscurely written notes I penned to him.

Those Christmas Eves spent singing every overplayed Christmas song imaginable (done time and time again by Celine Dion and Mariah Carey). Finishing the line "You'll go down in history" with "Like Colombus!" Or was it George Washington? We could never agree on that.

And to think, I'll have future Christmas Eves...with a lover? With a husband? With a baby? (gulp)

Life moves quickly, but here's to always keeping the heart of a child inside of us during the holiday season.

(yes, I know that was shamefully cliche and tacky to say...but if you can't say it during Christmas, when can you say it then??)

Merry Christmas to all of you beautiful people!!!!!!!

What's All This Fuss Over Vampires?

Since I enjoyed the movie, I decided to give the book a try. I'm talking about Twilight, of course. I haven't finished reading all of it (I'm half-way through), but I know enought to give a review.

Let's start with the author, Stephanie Meyer, who gets a little verbose in some of her descriptions (how many times are you gonna describe what the beach looked like? And stop talking about the clouds, for God's sake). Then again, I've never been one for long landscape/weather descriptions (that includes you, John Steinbeck). Some of her descriptions of Edward, for instance, are laughable:

"His hair was dripping wet, disheveled--even so, he looked like he just finished shooting a commercial for hair gel."

Really, Stephanie...really? But the same quote that makes me roll my eyes is also where the author gets it right.

As much as I think this excerpt is stupid, juvenile even, this is how girls think. Stephanie is a master at unveiling a girl's mind. That is what makes Twilight addictive to tweens, teens and twenty-somethings alike. Heck, even a middle-aged woman could appreciate this book. Because internally, girls revert back to their 14-year-old giggly, pathetic selves when they have a crush on a boy. In other words, boys make us stupid.

And Bella, the main character, is everywoman, if you will. She is ordinary, clumsy, sarcastic, unsure and insecure. Yep, that about sums up a lot of girls.

What makes this book more than addicting is the fact that Edward (the perfect vampire boy) is madly in love with the ordinary girl. It's a fantasy that plays out in every girl's head.

So, it's no Jane Austen. And Edward is no Mr. Darcy. Meyer's characters are not as multi-dimensional as an Austen novel. However, the book is endearing in its own way. And it's a story where the underdog triumphs in life...hey, I can't complain about that.

Am I slightly addicted? Yeah, I'll admit this guilty pleasure of mine.

I Have the Sniffles

I haven't been this sick in awhile. It's pretty bad when you take a two hour-nap and you're still exhausted right after it.

I feel like falling asleep right now and it is 7:15 pm. Wow.

It didn't help that I went dancing last night. They played techno-y stuff. It was pretty darn funny. But having a few drinks didn't help my immune system...nope.

Anyway, there's no sense in rambling because I am quite delirious. Good thing the kids are on Xmas break; ergo, so am I. More time to watch sappy chick flicks (P.S. I Love You), drink some OJ and eat chicken noodle soup. Time to recover!!!!!

I Need Rain Boots

Well, actually, that would be a horrible investment for San Diego. But on days like today, I sure wish I had some.

Now, normally I LOVE rainy days...just click on my "rainy days" tag below and all my posts will start with "it's raining and I LOVE IT" or something to that effect. However, now that I am working with kids, my view of rainy days has been altered a little.

Rainy days+kids= no playground time = pent up energy = kids acting like they are on meth = me wanting to pull my eyebrows out (because I think I've already pulled my hair out).

*Breathe*

Alright, I will be ok. Wish me luck as I enter the battlefield.

When is the weekend going to get here?

Turning World

Sitting here, rummaging through my thoughts
on a crispy afternoon.
Wait, did I say crispy?
I meant crisp, the kind that comes after rain.

And it was raining yesterday,
bullets pounding into the earth.
Destroying the old, revealing the new.
Rebirth and even more rebirth.

A process I know quite well.

So much to teach, so much to learn.
We always find this out,
and the world continues to turn.
and the past continues to burn.

And still I stand firm.
In who I am.
In who You've made me to be.
On the trail that's right for me.
And in You, I am free.

Hello, Sexy Vampire Boy

Alright, alright, alright...so I gave into seeing Twilight. And my inner thirteen-year-old self was damn happy that I did.

Although a few scenes brought about some eye rolls and straight up laughter, there were a lot of sighs and "Wow, that vampire is HOT." That vampire's name is Robert Pattinson, and he was the same actor that had me saying "Wow, that Cedric is HOT," when I watched Harry Potter: Goblet of Fire years ago.

In case you haven't seen this guy's picture plastered over magazines lately, here he is:
AND wait, what's that about him being English? Talk about perfection. Well, eh, I assume that he's probably a cocky arse in real life.

Anyway, if you go and see Twilight, you may find it over-the-top cheesy; even so, there is a part of you that will love it for it's Shakespeare-esque idea of a true and pure love. Even those of us that have been jaded by love in the past can still believe that there is a good kind of love out there. This movie simply plays on that small belief.

Yeah, I choose to still believe in love...if the guy is something like a Mr. Darcy, or Edward Cullen.

My Gut Feeling

Sometimes, we try to fight gut feelings. But it's really funny when you know, deep down, that you can't deny that gut feeling.

When something just isn't quite right, you know it.

Well, I really have been paying attention to that gut instinct recently. (and yes, I think that's how God "talks" to us, through instincts). With thought, and prayer and more thought, I've come to a sound decision.

Sorry if this post is kind of enigmatic. Maybe I feel like being slightly mysterious today. Maybe you can see right through me. That's alright.

Quote from my favorite movie: Well, I've been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.

I love that quote, and just to clarify, I don't think my gut has shit for brains. I think my gut has been pretty damn accurate for a long time. So I'll go ahead and go with it.

Understanding Pride

I'm reading a book called Mere Christianity, by C.S. Lewis. Most likely you've heard of it. If you are Tim, then you apparently have it on tape.

Don't be dismayed by the title if you do not consider yourself Christian. This book takes as much of a scientific approach as possible to understanding the role of God, or even if there is a God.

You all know where I stand on this issue.

But I won't go into the whole "Let me prove to you that there is a God..."

Instead, I want to focus on one chapter that really touched me. That chapter is on Pride. Lewis calls it "The Great Sin," and I agree with that assessment. He argues that all other sins (or faults, if you will) stem from Pride, and he makes a great case for it.

Some quotes that struck me:

"There is one vice of which no man is free...and the more we have it in ourselves, the more we dislike it in others. The vice I am talking about is Pride..."

"If you think you are not conceited, it means you are very conceited indeed."

"In fact, if you want to find out how proud you are the easiest way is to ask yourself, 'How much do I dislike it when other people snub me, or refuse to take any notice of me, or shove their oar in, or patronise me, or show off?' The point is that each person's pride is in competition with everyone else's pride."

I am guilty of all of this. Especially calling someone else out when I believe they are being prideful. After reading these quotes I'm forced to ask myself, "But how prideful am I for even daring to call someone else prideful?"

By pointing out someone else's pride, I am, in fact, participating in the very fault that I was condemning that person for.

Whoa, that's deep.

That is why I love books like this and revelations like this; it is a moment in time when I forced to look within and ask myself if I am living up to the person I want to be. Before being critical of others, we should be critical of ourselves.

Kick Ass Weekend

Things I did this weekend that made me really happy:

1. Went to a christmas festival at Balboa Park (my favorite place in San Diego). All admission to the museums were free (unheard of!), and there was tent after tent of great food from different countries. There are different "houses" in Balboa Park, in what's called the International Village. There was a HOUSE OF TURKEY, which obviously got me really excited. They were cooking kabobs, of course.

2. Lolligagged around Coronado, my second favorite place to go in SD, and showed my friend Bethany around the Hotel Del Coronado (where Some Like it Hot was filmed). I call Coronado "Mayberry" cause it's one of those annoyingly perfect places, a Pleasantville of sorts.

3. Hung out with the latin boy for a short time, and learning to open up my heart a little, and not be so guarded. The Latin boy's name is Christian, by the way. Yes, I'm giving it a chance, even when I often want to run in the opposite direction because opening your heart up again after past heartaches is a process, and sometimes it's easier to throw in the towel. I keep reminding myself that I have nothing to lose, and I need to calm down.

4. Gave advice to two girls about their "boy" situations, and they thanked me for it. Because it's easier to navigate other people's love lifes (even though I have a hard time navigating my own, haha).

5. Picked out a bad ass Christmas tree with my dad.

6. Sat on the beach and read from Mere Christianity, an outstanding book by C.S. Lewis that I will have to write about sometime soon. If you're looking get in the spiritual mood, the beach is a great place for it. Talk about rejuvanation of the soul!

WHAT a great weekend!!! I love weekends like that. I feel refreshed enough to conquer this week and kick some ass. Sometimes life kicks my ass, so I am kicking back.

The Thought of Leaving...

Sometimes I really toy with the idea of living in a different place. But that's my wanderlust side, becoming bored with my surroundings again. I haven't taken a trip since the summer (although going to Turkey was a GRAND trip). There are so many places I want, no NEED, to see!! When shall I have the privilege of setting foot in Italy? Ahhhhhh!!!!!

Why am I in the mood to watch A Walk To Remember right now? Random girly thought, sorry.

Back to the thought of living somewhere new...I'm a person that would totally do it, given the opportunity. However, I would miss my parents. That sounds childish, in a way; but I know I have a limited time with them. So moving away now will rob me of some of that time.

These are the places that I've always contemplated moving to: Chicago, New York (although I haven't been to either, but I LOVE big cities, except L.A.), anywhere in the state of Washington (I love trees!), Oregon and even some other places on the East Coast.

It's weird to think that I have the opportunity to apply for a job in any of these states...and ACTUALLY move there! Anyway, my dreams of moving to a new place will have to wait...this may be the worst time ever to find a new job. My logical side reminds me that savings must be in order before I think about ever moving.

Also, the move has to be right. You know, it has to be approved mentally and spiritually. I'm not in a place to move just yet.

Still...it's nice to imagine!

R.I.P. Stanley

Oh poor Stanley! You had a long life, you even survived a suicide attempt. And now you are gone...

If you don't know, Stanley was my fish for three years. So I know, I know...he's just a fish. But he was my little buddy for a good portion of my college years. And the suicide attempt? Well, one day (maybe 2 years ago) I went into my room and found little Stanley on the ground, half-alive. He had jumped out of the tank! We then posted a note by his bowl that read "Stanley, don't jump. Life is Great." He never jumped again.

So now, Stanley finally reached the end of the rope. Goodbye little fish, you will be missed!

(yes, I do, in fact take all life seriously)