2.28.2010

Breaking Out of the Lackluster

"Don't give in to discouragement. If you are discouraged it is a sign of pride because it shows you trust in your own powers. Never bother about people's opinions. Be obedient to truth. For with humble obedience, you will never be disturbed."
--Mother Theresa

Since I believe in a God, I surely agree with this statement.

I'm trying to look at the bright side of life, although I've been feeling a bit downcast and lackluster. I'm not sure as to why, except that I've been a bit bored. This can be changed. I can get a new job, gain new activities, pray more, and get myself out of this unusual hole. It's the weirdest kind of sadness--the kind that comes from nowhere. It's different when you are feeling sad from a broken heart or a death. In those situations you have something to blame.

In this situation, I'm feeling sad for no apparent reason. ?!?! Sad might be the wrong word...I'm just not...as energetic and full of life as usual.

Today was a good day though. I messed around with a new camera that my dad got me for my birthday (coming up soon). I had lunch with a good friend. I talked, I laughed, I had some delicious coffee.

I need to remember to surround myself with community.

And with God. A verse from Psalm 139 (one of my FAVORITE Psalms EVER):

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

I don't want anyone to worry at all by reading this post. I am not depressed or lifeless. I'm just, in the middle somewhere. I'm recognizing that and bringing it to light, because when you are feeling down, isn't it good to talk about it?

Random pictures:

Another sunflower picture. Can't help but smile when I see a sunflower :D
A note from one first-grade boy at my job. Although it's a black heart (how emo!), it's adorable.
That delicious coffee I had today. Mmmm...a Cafe Viennese.

Up on the list for this week: Disneyland on Wed (for my bday, YAY), Alice and Wonderland (da movie!) on Saturday, followed by a joint birthday party with my friend Colleen. Yep, I sure do like to celebrate my birth! I think this will be a good week.

2.24.2010

Slight of Hand

Watch out when you are taking pictures with me, cause I am sneaky...



Colleen actually had no idea ;P

2.21.2010

Cemiyet (Part Two): Michelle, My Bell

Cemiyet: meaning community in Turkish.

This will be my second post highlighting a blog friend of mine, for whatever reason I choose. Hehe.

Michelle's gonna hate that I'm putting her in the spotlight, but I'm going to anyway *sticks out tongue*

I know Michelle in real life; since high school, to be precise. We worked on yearbook together, under the rule of a female dictator (our horrible teacher, Mrs. Q). That gave me time to "bond" with Michelle, the way prisoners-of-war bond while in captivity.

After high school, Michelle and I happened to go to the same college: good ol' State. We saw each other frequently for coffee dates. She introduced me to Pride & Prejudice, and the fabulous world of Mr. Darcy.

In general, this lady enjoys my love of different cultures; in fact, I think the majority of our conversations revolve around that!

I admire her modesty. She's a girl that doesn't think she's pretty, but she's beautiful. She also doesn't think she's particularly smart, but she's brilliant (don't get all angsty with me Michelle, it's true!). And lastly, I KNOW she doesn't think she's a great writer, but I love what she has to say on her blog, in the manner that she says it.

She gives intellectual insight like no other, and visiting her blog is a form of being enlightened. Sorry to do this to you Michelle (well actually, I'm not sorry), but you deserve the spotlight today for how wonderful you are.

2.16.2010

An Ugly Present, To Myself

I hate that I compare myself to other people so often. In doing so, I end up convincing myself that I am inadequate in some way to that person.

Facebook is the worst catalyst for this. I'll visit Susy Successful's page, whom I went to highschool with, and is living in a "you'll-make-it-big-here" city, residing in a "you'll-be-happy-here" apartment.

But it's all perception, isn't it? Susy might be depressed, hating her job and thinking her apartment is too small.

While I have confidence in some areas, I am lacking in other areas. I get in these moods sometimes--thinking that I would like to be anywhere else but here. That maybe I am not good enough to reach for twinkling stars.

All these thoughts are wrapped up in my insecurities with an ugly, pathetic bow. A sad present that I have fashioned for myself: To Ashley. Without Love, Ashley.

Logically, I know that I am bright and capable to do a LOT that I set my mind to. Some might say that feeling a bit inadequate can be a good thing. Sometimes it can send the competition pendulum swinging, forcing one to accomplish goals they may have not gained without a push.

All I know is, when I start to think this way (feeling sorry for myself, that is), I inevitably tell myself to shut the hell up. Bathing in my doubts is a dirty way of trying to start the day; I must shower my mind clean of all those belittling thoughts. It's absurd to know that I am capable of being condescending to myself.

I will end this post with a lyric from a Death Cab song that I adore: " And all you see/is where else you can be when you're at home/ and out on the street/are so many possibilities to not be alone."

The grass is greener, right? Time to admire my own grass.

♥ Jeremiah 29:11

2.15.2010

A Serious Matter

I have officially had this blog for 5 years. Happy blogiversary to me! This is a place where important, life-changing topics are put on the table...

And in staying with that, I want to comment on a serious matter about the Olympic Games:

Apolo Anton Ohno is, like, 10 times hotter than Michael Phelps:








Glad we can have intelligent conversations here. Please leave some enlightening comments on this topic.

2.08.2010

You Spin Me Right Round

It's incredible how a genuine smile from a kid makes my whole day. All those little suckers have to do is come up and hold my hand, or hug my leg (those leg-huggers!), and place all their trust and hope in that very moment, and I feel like I could stay in that short span of time forever.

I guess that makes me the sucker, huh?

They truly live in the present, those little kiddies. To them, the world doesn't spin around them; rather, they make the world spin.

2.05.2010

She's Just Not That Into You

Soooo...this was my plan (yes, past tense):

I was trying to set up Jason (this dude I work with) with one of my best friends, Ali. Recently, Ali had seen a picture of Jason and dubbed him "Hot Jason."

With a girly giggle I replied, "Well, let's see what we can do about that."

After telling Jason about Ali and trying to set up a meeting (making it obvious that she was interested), Jason thwarted my plan by telling me, "I don't know if I can be set up with the friend of a girl I have a crush on, if I'm gonna come clean with that."

This was not part of the plan! ha. Shows how much plans work.

It's just--I knew Jason had a thing for me last year, but I didn't know know. I thought that this "thing" had passed. Turns out that it didn't.

Now, I know what some of you are gonna say. Cause you've said it before, and you've figured me out (for my lack of a dating life). You'll say, "Give this guy a chance, Ashley. Go on a date..."

Yeah, you know who are! My polite reply is, "I don't want to!"

Simply, I don't. I don't really have an interest in this guy...do I have to explain further? Besides the fact that he has no real relationship with God (yes, this is important to me), I'm just not interested. Along the lines of She's Just Not That Into You.

But I always feel a bit bad after telling someone that I'm not that interested, which I did to Jason (as nice as possible). Especially because I work with the guy.

It is all kind of funny, though...

2.02.2010

Cemiyet (Part One): Ode to Ant


cemiyet (n.)--Turkish for community.

I've gained a little community here on this blog, and it's been a life-saver. Because, I put real, serious issues on the table here, and you all actually give me advice. And you guys give me good advice, you really do! You are all my therapists. haha.

Some of you, I've "known" for over two or three years. Wow! Some of you, I've "met" recently. I truly value all of you. Who knew I could have this many online friends for this long? It's kinda badass.

So I wanted to take the time to blog about one of you (maybe once a week), so other bloggie friends of mine can get to know you better. And if I embarrass you a little, well...you're just gonna have to deal with all that blushing you're doing at the moment.

Ode to Ant

Anthony. Probably my most consistent, longest blog friend. He's an uber smartie. He knows something like 80 languages (you know, something to that effect). Always in the pursuit of truth and knowledge, his mind is open to other ideas and ways of life. I admire this mindset.

There is a quote: "Beware of defining as intelligent only those who share your opinions." I love this quote, and Anthony is an example of someone that tries to understand and learn from others, despite their different views on life. He has never made me feel less than who I am, for being who I am. He embraces differences, knowing that it is our incongruity that make us beautifully imperfect and unique.

And even past his character, this guy has a big heart, one that beats to the sound of poetry, and attempts to love openly. He looks at life like a philosopher, and has grand ideas about life and love, even after being burned by love. I hope to achieve this outlook on love someday.

Isn't it funny? I don't "know" Anthony in real life, but I've learned a lot about who he is through this little community of ours.

You can find him on my blog roll, under "Shakespeare Jr." or you can just click his link right here.

2.01.2010

Like a Hammer...

Love this song and just wanted to share it. :)

"Help I'm Alive" by Metric. It makes me want to dance dance dance all over the place.




And you know what else? I'm loving the lyrics:

I tremble
They're gonna eat me alive
If I stumble
They're gonna eat me alive

Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer?
Beating like a hammer?
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft
Tough to be tender

Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer

If you're still alive
My regrets are few
If my life is mine
What shouldn't I do?
I get wherever I'm going
I get whatever I need
While my blood's still flowing
And my heart still beats...
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer


Hmmm...I can relate to this song. My interpretation: Being afraid of life, but moving forward, regardless.