My Thought Process (While Watching 10 Things)

• Putting ice on my lower back at the moment, because I hurt it at work. Little kids like to beat me up. ha.
• Watching 10 Things I Hate About You while administering the ice, which is making me feel better.
• Missing Heath Ledger. Not just because he was an Australian hottie, but also because he was a damn good actor. Even in teen flicks.
• Realizing that Joseph Gordon Levitt always was and always will be adorable.
• Trying to devise a plan to meet said adorable actor. Hmmm...
• Wishing I could go back to the simplicity of my teen years.
• Rudely reminding myself that my teen years were anything but simple.
• Oddly content with staying in tonight and just watching a movie. Or two.
• Eager to share some news, but wanting to leave it for its own post...
• Leaving you with that thought, because who doesn't like cliff-hangers?
• Remembering that it's more fun to give cliff-hangers than to get them. hehehe.

MacBook Photo Monday (and a side of High Fidelity)

Thought this would be a fun and colorful addition to dreadful Mondays...and MacBook photos are addicting-ly fun to take. So why not share them on my blog?

Me in different pop-art-inspired colors! YAY! ^

Also, I wanted to share this quote that has been circulating in my head. It's from the book High Fidelity, where Laura tells Rob:

"You just...you just don't do anything. You get lost in your head, and you sit around thinking instead of getting on with something, and most of the time you think rubbish. You always seem to miss what's really happening."

Hmmm...I feel like this is ME. I do this all too often. Well...I am proactive on some things: I wanted to volunteer, so I did it; I wanted to travel last summer, so I did it.

But I can do more. And I need to do more, before my life runs out. haha. Funny thing to say in your 20s, but it's coming from an old soul (I get called that a lot) who realizes that life is gonna fly by faster than I can say "Carpe Diem."

Decisions...Decisions...Decisions...

Instead of going to Turkey for a year, I've been looking into going for just the summer. I've found a few summer internships online that I am looking into further.

More on this later once I have more answers...

I've got some thinking/praying/consideration/contemplation/research to doooo...

haha.

Konichiwa Bitches, Again

SOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!

Robyn hasn't released an album in, like, 3 years. Her last album was pretty breathtaking, but never really gained much popularity in the U.S. Well, she's coming out with 3 albums (yes, three) in 2010!!! AHHHH!!!

I ♥ her.

Do you have an artist that you just adore?!?! She's one of them. Justin Timberlake is another artist whose music makes love to my ears, but Justin has announced that he hasn't been inspired to make music. Hmmph! I blame Jessica Biel. She's obviously no muse for him. What? You know she's bland--no acting talent what-so-ever, and nothing really inspiring about her in general.

But I digress. Where Justin is not delivering, Robyn will. If you like dance-y tracks, take a little listen-poo below. Yay, yay, YAY!!

I'll Find Beauty (Even in Toilets)

It took a lot for me to write that last post. I'm pretty sure I am an introvert through and through when it comes to sharing "feelings." *gulp* I also hate that word. But what else do I call it?

Despite the walls I usually put up, I've been sharing this story to a few friends this week (including you, friends) and it's helped me to know I'm not the only one feeling like a complete and utter lunatic at times.

And I was reading a verse from my favorite book in the Bible...it was a verse that I had overlooked before, but rang loud and clear as I read it again: "He will make everything beautiful in its time." Ecclesiastes 3:11

Translated, this means that even the most frustrating, devastating, annoying circumstances WILL become beautiful with time. We grow through them because they are a form of discipline. They become a story we share to teach others not to go down the same dumbass road we so willingly skipped down. ha.

And this wasn't a "devastating" circumstance. Nah, it was just annoying and a little hurtful in a schoolgirl-crush kind of way, but it still stings, though. I swear, everything in my adult life somehow brings me back to being 14.

Anyway, funny story from my work today. One little boy, Ben, runs up to me and screams, "MISS ASHLEY! MISS ASHLEY! Do you know what Robbie did?"

"What Ben?" I ask, preparing myself for anything.

"HE THREW MY HAT DOWN THE TOILET!" Ben says, pointing to the now noticeably wet hat.

"Oh gosh," I say, slapping my forehead with my hand, trying to hide my smirk at the same time.

But don't you know? We all have moments when our hats get thrown down the toilet. And man, that's a bad day. But that too, will become beautiful in its time. Er, at least it will become funny in its time.

:)

My Most Pathetic Post (Gotta have at least one)

Feeling a sense of longing as I write this. I hate to be a sick little puppy.

Here’s what went down this past week.

I reconnected with an acquaintance; I hardly knew him before. But we both happened to go to the same engagement party. And after talking with him for about an hour, along with flirting and laughing, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t smitten. I hate that word. Smitten. But I think it’s appropriate here.

He contacted me a couple days later, and gave me his number, and said “Call me/text me sometime.”

So I did, which I rarely do with guys. I had jury duty, and was bored, and thought, “Hmmm...I’ll see if he’ll respond.” And respond he did, and continued to talk with me for about an hour. This occurrence, mixed with my smitten-ness, inevitably made me believe something was a‘ brewin‘ there. And I was excited about it.

I’m cringing as I write this. Because all of two days later, I come to find out he has a new girlfriend. And I think, “Why did you even bother talking to me at all when you were about to date this girl? Why the attention?”

And then I realize, I think I completely took it all the wrong way. What I took as flirting and interest was just friendliness on his part. And I feel idiotic. Just because this good-looking, hilarious guy waltzes into my life for one night, I’m suddenly open to the idea of dating him and opening my heart?

Why?

I’m interested behind the psychology of this. Is it that some people just really affect you in a kind of primal and rapid way? Or...was it me? Was it that I was looking for love somehow? Because sometimes, yes, I am tired of being the eternal single girl.

But it was more than being discontented with singledom. Because when you find a guy that fulfills a lot of your desires/criteria for the perfect partner, it’s hard to not be...

Smitten.

And so I sit here with an annoying ache over all of it, while hating myself for aching over something so brief, so fleeting. How silly of me.And I hate even coming across as extremely insecure to all of you, but I feel the need to spill all of these toxic thoughts bubbling and gurgling inside of me.

Oh, I am being so OVER DRAMATIC RIGHT NOW. Don’t mind me. I find the humor in all of this, I really do.

Moreover, I know the truth behind all of this. That truth being the fantasy we build up in our minds always overrides the reality of the situation. Man, I was going off of major fantasy mode--I built a skyscraper for this guy in my mind!And now that the reality is revealed, it is kinda hard to accept. Because fantasy is always more fun.

So as I swallow the huge pill of truth (I can feel it maneuvering down my throat), I remember that God has an ultimate plan for my life that I cannot even imagine...and yes, I believe in some form of soul mates.

But for once, JUST ONCE, I’d like to not be logical Ashley, and just kind of wallow in a little bit of dramatic indulgence. Because it’s my pity party (for just tonight) and I’ll cry if I want to.

Rob: I'm tired of the fantasy, because it doesn't really exist. And there are never really any surprises, and it never really...

Laura: Delivers?

Rob: Delivers. And I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of everything else for that matter. But I don't ever seem to get tired of you, so...

P.S. I f you read this WHOLE post, you get a pat on the back! It is long and sad, in a very pathetic way. haha. I can’t help but be self-deprecating right now.

Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?

^

^

GLEEKS!!

hahaha. I had to give one line away from the new episode of Glee (in my title).

How did I see the new episode before it came out on T.V., you ask? I guess it pays to live close to L.A. (but not in L.A., thank God!), cause they had a sneak premiere of the first episode!! Yay!!

An added bonus? Some of the cast members were there! A couple more pictures:

On the drive up...my friend Zuko (that's what I call him) and me making fun of the way our friend Colleen drives, and how you need to hang on for dear life!

It's Finn!!!! Do ya see him?

For the record, the first episode is glee-licious! In other words, I loved it, like usual.

Update on C.A.R.E.

As I walked back to my car after helping Linette (the cancer patient), I had a huge smile on my face and a few tears as well.

Linette is going through Ovarian Cancer and at the same time, going through tons of chemo. She was rail thin, and surprisingly, pretty young--I wanna say in her late 40s.

I did simple everyday things for her that we take for granted, but she is too weak to do herself right now: made her a piece of toast, put on a cup of tea, watered her plants, and helped her clean.

There were definitely certain sights that were hard to witness, stuff that I won't elaborate on; however, I wasn't afraid. Like I said, I prayed about it...and anytime I felt weak (the sight of needles make we wanna pass out sometimes) I just said a quick "HELP ME GOD!" in my head.

Of course, I ended up learning that Linette was the one with vast inner strength, and I admire that about her, as well as her wit and charm. (She kept apologizing for the "stank" and ended up calling me ASH--in all caps cause she said it with gusto!--by the end of an hour).

That's all it took! A measly hour of my time made a big difference for someone else. Of course I told her, "When you are better, let's go to church!" And I truly feel optimistic that she will get better. But the frightful truth of this ministry is that some of the patients I meet are going to pass away.

That's not what I need to be concerned about. A life consumed with worry about death is no life at all, even when one feels they are close to death. I think most of you have experienced this--that when you are around death, that is when you appreciate life the very most. I know Linette is appreciating every second that she still has to live hers.

Puppets and Playthings

I opened myself up

careful not to tear all the masking tape

and rapidly-sewn stitches

I clumsily used to put myself together

last time I fell apart

Guess we all live in a factory

churning out dolls upon dolls of each gender

perfect smirks painted on

complimenting airbrushed rosy cheeks

But my blush was genuine

Guess you didn’t know

and decided to trade me

for another doll on the conveyor belt

You’ve grown to know the fabricated anyway

Fluff lies where your spine used to be

a beating heart, replaced with filler

button up your back, so no one can tell

It’s hard to be the real thing

living on a shelf, pretending to fit in

with all the other puppets and playthings

when all I want is an authentic life, and an authentic love.

Scared, But Following Through...

Alright, I need to release a little bit of nervousness I am feeling at the moment...

So, this past week, I joined a ministry at my church. It's called Cancer C.A.R.E.

Basically, this ministry helps with a plethora of things related to cancer: giving rides to appointments for chemo or radiation, taking care of children while their parent is at treatment, walking pets for owners who are too weak from treatment, cooking, cleaning, etc.

Tomorrow is my first assignment helping someone. She is a lady that is going to chemo and needs help getting up around her apartment for just an hour.

To be so very honest...I AM SCARED OUT OF MY MIND!!!!!! I'm afraid of what I may see, feel, say...and all of the above. I am scared to see death staring blatantly back at me. I am scared I will not be strong enough tomorrow to handle this...

Well the truth is, I am not strong enough. But God is. I will rely on him...otherwise I will fall apart completely. Sorry for being dramatic, but this is the first time I am encountering cancer since my Dad had it about 3 years ago. This feeling I am having right now, it brings me back to that place...a vulnerable, heartbroken place.

But it's good. I should be heartbroken for God's people! It's ok to be a little frightened. Even if it may be a lot to take tomorrow, I know it will be an unforgettable lesson.

Wish me luck, please!

Reading Psalm 18, for obvious reasons...

Jesus Rocks (Literally)

A 6.9 earthquake near San Diego (Baja California) on Easter?

That means we had a rockin' time for about 16 seconds in San Diego. Well...that was fun!

Oh yeah, and as an extra little gift...aftershocks, as I am writing this!!

* Correction: The earthquake ended up being a 7.2!

Happy Easter!

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

--Isaiah 40:31

Female voice: Easter, the day Jesus rose from the dead. What should we do?

Male voice: How 'bout eggs?!

Female voice: Well, w-what does that have to do with Jesus?

Male voice: Alright, we'll hide 'em.

Female voice: I don't...I don't follow your logic.

Male voice: Don't worry, there's a bunny.''

--Jim Gaffigan (haha)

I'm Just an April Fool (who wants meaning)

I thought about doing an April Fools post, but I decided not to. Maybe cause I already fooled my friend Ali with a prank text message. heh. heh heh.

Moving on...

I forgot to mention that I am on Spring Break from my after school program. It's really nice to laze about all day, choosing when to go where. Gotta love that freedom. But with all this time on my hands, I'm finding it hard to accomplish actual errands. ha. Isn't that the way it goes?

Well, at least I cleaned my bathroom.

Anyway, while I've had time away from work, I watched a podcast from a church in LA. It's called Mosaic, and I really respect the pastor and the way he delivers his sermons. He's got a writer's heart, that bloke!

He gave a sermon on work, and it definitely sparked something within me. He was talking about how work without meaning often leads to a life without meaning. Think about it, we spend MOST of our time at work. This is not to say that you need a "meaningful" job; rather, he was introducing this idea of making any job you have meaningful. Let's say you worked at Target as a cashier. You could choose to work that job to its full potential, making every interaction with a customer an actual human interaction, so that they feel important in that moment.

That's kinda beautiful.

He also brought up that work is work if you only bring average to it, but if you focus on bringing your very best--creativity, intellect, etc.--work can become play.

Of course there are some jobs that are dead-ends and not your place...so it's your duty to get out of them, right?!

In these next few months I feel that this is something I can start to pinpoint. What is it I want to be doing that will be meaningful in this life? What is the kind of meaning I want? Well, I can answer that...I want to resonate in people's lives. This may be a morbid way of looking at it, but I want my funeral to include a lot of people that have known me and loved me. I want a place full of people that will cry for me, but will look back fondly on my life, because I looked fondly on them.

Don't we all want that? This requires a process of putting myself out there. I've already got this reputation for being a loyal friend (haha, such an INFAMOUS reputation), but I can add to that list. I want to start making a difference. Somehow, some way.