Hello Excitement! Nice to see ya.

I've mentioned that I've been very bipolar in the weeks leading up to my departure, and while that is still true, today I've felt excitement take a hold of my body and shake me violently. I'M FREAKIN' GOING TO TURKEY!!!!!!

While the sadness is still there, I am now in autopilot mode. My body is leading me where I ought to go...my head and heart have no choice but to follow. Inevitably, I will feel more sadness and anxiety in the next week-and-a-half; however, there is no doubting what is necessary here: chasing after my dream.

There's nothing like the beat of a happy heart, a heart that knows it's about to embark on a predestined adventure. I say predestined because I've wanted this forever.

***

While I'll probably have more posts like this where I talk your head off with inspirational garble (ha), I must not forget to mention that Jax, my good internet and real life friend, came to visit San Diego. Let me show you with pictures:

It was nice taking Jax to all the "hot spots" in SD, so I could simultaneously say goodbye to my city! Chillin' at La Jolla Cove.

My Oven GF showing us Americans how to have proper ettiquette during breakfast =)

Celebrating Jax's 24th birthday!

Ashley loves Jax! (Photo stolen from Jax)

Aztec Dominance!

(credit)

I've been forgetting to post on how proud I've been of my boys. WE CAN DO THIS, AZTECS!!!!

(big game today...ahhhhh!)

And by the way, the dude that looks "short" in this picture is actually 6-foot. haha. These brothas are TALL.

Onward, I Go Forth

These days, there's so much going on in my mind that it's hard to unload it all...I've got to sort through all the clutter.

I will say this: I stumbled upon an old high school friend's facebook page today. It was a friend who passed away a few years ago from an undetected heart defect. He was in his early 20s when he died.

It reminded me, most ardently, that I need not be afraid to live my life...this little life that has been so graciously given to me.

I often forfeit to the slithering whispers of fear; yet, what has fear succeeded in anyway? And how will I ever succeed if I succumb to fear? Dread's deceitful tongue will no longer aid in the demise of my dreams.

Now onward, I will trudge forward in the hopes for a vibrant life full of stolen chances and realized fantasies. In the pursuit of happiness, I refuse to expire as a coward; rather, I hope to be classified as a warrior-of-sorts. I'm not mighty, and I'm not too brave, but somewhere deep down lies a fighter's spirit.

And so, I go forth.

Anticipation!

There are times, in when thinking about my big move, that I hit moments of sheer excitement followed by moments of sheer panic.

I feel as though I am a little bipolar.

In other (saner) news, my "Oven GF" bloggy friend from London is visiting tomorrow! I am ecstatic!! Jackie, welcome to SD...you're gonna love it!!

The Most Exciting Blogiversary

SIX years ago today I started this blog. That's a long. ass. time. ago.

Here is (one of) the first blog posts that I wrote (because I wrote multiple posts that day from being overly excited to have a blog):

Well, I'm sitting here listening to "All I Want for Christmas is You." Seeing as Christmas is quite a ways away, I've decided that, nope, I'm not being very productive.

I don't know when I'll ever get really serious about school. It's not that I don't try hard or even that I don't care, it's just that I feel too young to get serious about a career. So, here I am, halfway through college, not knowing where I wanna go in life. But what do they want from me? I'm only 19 years old!!! Not 30, not experienced in any other field besides being a cashier, not completely mature and NOT READY TO PICK WHAT I WANT TO DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!

I know that that's a little drastic considering at any point in my life I can switch my career to whatever I want. It's not like my decision now will be set in stone or burnt into my arm (just say no to branding!). I just don't like being so undecided and uncertain about something so important. It's like losing all control. No human being can stand that.

The problem is that i'm WAY too over-analytical. I need to just slap my hand and stop it and take a breath and sit back and relaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax. whew! I guess we never know what tomorrow will bring, and it scares me to the very bone. But in a way, it also makes things exciting. Life is a bitch sometimes.

That was me at 19. hehe. It's funny how I touched on topics that I would still be yammering about today. I guess the conclusion I've come to now is that it's ok to lose some control and be a bit undecided. And despite those things, you should still go for exactly what you want :) That's what makes this upcoming "Blog Year" the potentially most exciting year. Living in a different country will make for the most unique posts this little blog has ever seen.

Looks like I will REALLY be living up to my domain name. Little turkish girl heads to Turkey...weee!

Officially Official

Just booked my ONE-WAY Ticket to Turkey, literally a few seconds ago.

This is a strange feeling that I can't quite explain: excited, calm, shaky, scared all rolled into one emotion. AHHH!!!!!!!!

It's a done deal. Whether I fail, it makes no matter. Whether I get the job, it's not the point. I'm going. I'm trying. I'm making the effort.

I'm proud of myself for hitting that CONFIRM button, and not really hesitating...as if it were God ordained from the start.

YES :)

The Way God Intended It

I find this picture extremely beautiful...

credit

It is a picture of Christians protecting Muslims during their prayers (in Egypt, I believe).

I love this. It is beyond words.

Calmate!

I'm not trying to brag, I'm just trying to make sense of this (early) spring fever I've been experiencing from men.

I don't know if I've been sending out some weird signal because I'm leaving...because I have been asked to dinner 3 times from 3 different guys this week. I'm just your average girl, cute some days, kind of shy at first, with a little bit of flirt in her. I don't usually get this kind of attention in a week. I feel as though I'm in the Twilight Zone.

What's funny is, I'm not really interested in any of it. The guys aren't bad at all, I just feel really focused on what's ahead of me, and my future in Turkey.

On top of this, I'm not one of those chicks that travels from guy to guy as if they are the city of the month. Even though I dated Mr. HC for just a little while, my heart was still invested there. You know? I'll never be someone that can move on from one guy by falling into the arms of another.

Just wanted to vent about this weird week. haha. I think I'm a little too friendly with people I meet, and that comes off the wrong way sometimes. Very bad Ashley.

(by the way, I'm not complaining, to clarify. This is all very flattering)

How to Not Push the Panic Button

I've come to realize that the confines of my mind are dangerous. My brain has, and always will be, my biggest nemesis.

I'm feeling overwhelmed with this whole idea of Turkey looming overhead. There is about a month left until I depart for the most spontaneous, huge, life-changing thing I have ever done and I feel like I can't wrap my head around it, as if my brain is spinning from thought OVERLOAD.

I need to calm the f*ck down!

Before I go on, I want to acknowledge that, yes, I'm acting like a spoiled brat/coward. There are plenty of people who yearn to leave the country and experience the world, but don't have the means to do it. I do not live in a war-torn area, I do not have to deal with being demeaned by dictators (Egypt), I'm healthy and I've had a good life thus far. I'm a pretty lucky girl. There is no real reason for me to complain.

But the frustration that I feel has been causing me some tension headaches the past few days, so I feel like I need to vent...BIG TIME.

I've come to realize that I am my own worst enemy. My over-complicated mind has plagued me, especially when it comes to dating, moving, or anything considered scary or life-changing. I am the opposite of a free spirit. I am a creature of comfort zone.

What's funny is, I've been sick of the same thing. There's a reason I long to live in a foreign place. I desire change so very badly, while at the same time being terribly afraid of it.

It makes no sense! I'm making no sense!

I am an obvious victim of anxiety. I once called myself a positive thinker...that is, until it comes to something big and important. It's then that I think the absolute worst.

So you know what helps? Reading positive words like this that set my mind and heart straight. Some excerpts:

"Why Worry? These two words, considered sincerely, can radically reconfigure the landscape of your mind. Worry rarely leads to positive action; it's just painful, useless fear about hypothetical events, which scuttles happiness rather than ensuring it. Some psychologists say that by focusing on gratitude, we can shut down the part of the brain that worries. It actually works!"

"How can I keep myself absolutely safe? Ask this question just to remind yourself of the answer: You can't. Life is inherently uncertain. The way to cope with that reality is not to control and avoid your way into a rigid little demi-life, but to develop courage. Doing what you long to do, despite fear, will accomplish this."

And so I also want to ask you, dear readers, any advice you can give me on this matter. Especially because many of you have gone through a huge international move. Did you feel stressed at all before you left? How did you deal with such stress? Any EXTRA advice you can give me will only help! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!