to refuse to iron your shirt. I really despise ironing. Who decided that wrinkle-free clothes make you a more decent and put-together person? It's a little OCD if you ask me.
to say to your male co-worker, "that would be inappropriate if I grabbed your taco!" I then busted up laughing when I realized what I said...I didn't mean it in that way! I was actually talking about food. He then responded, "that would have been worse if I had said that to you." hehehe.
to really love cuss words. Not in excess, but when pulled off just right they are the perfect touch. This probably comes from growing up with a military father whose 20-year-old sailor side still makes an appearance.
to quote lines from South Park all night with my roomie, while getting dirty stares from those around us, making me realize that I have the EXACT humor as a 13-year-old boy. Oy vey.
I am at this age where I have an intense hunger for exploring and conquering, with no real support for my conqueror ways.
And what I mean by exploring and conquering is SEEING, DOING and PARTICIPATING in new and interesting things. Passion, life, art. Doing MORE than merely existing.
My generation, who they are deeming the new "lost generation" (how very Hemingway of them), is scrambling for answers in a shattered economy full of empty promises. And even if you are lucky enough to have a job...is it making you happy? Is it what you dreamed of? Isn't this shit supposed to be fulfilling?
That's what "they" had told us for years. Growing up, we were reminded that following the plan would bring us happiness. What kind of freakin' happiness? I'm afraid that I no longer believe that security equates to happiness.
Does every generation go through this? Like, has every twenty-something in the history of mankind gone through a mini-life crisis? For me, it's not a crisis, but a slump. I'd almost prefer a crisis, because well, that might be more exciting.
All of these questions I am posing have probably nothing to do with my job, but more to do with existentialism and figuring out what I am wanting out of life. I suppose I sound incredibly ungrateful here. But really I am just on the search. A forever quest to conquer. A deep need to livemore. Am I searching in vain?
I went to a street fair over the weekend, which provided plenty of live music.
Pretty sure listening to live music is my favorite way to spend the day, as I can do just that for hours and forget all about time and space and even reality. Music is transcendent in that way, no?
And oh gosh, when you find a musician that makes your blood bubble up inside of you to the point of explosion, in where you feel the tears welling up behind your eyes because so many emotions are running through your system, you're simply gonna burst--I love that. I. love. that.
It is in that moment where I think God has come down to meet me on earth, because nothing else matters in those minutes but you and this supernatural experience.
I haphazardly tried to take a video of one of the local artists, but this never works out well--the quaint camera on my phone can only provide so much quality, and the experience is thus downgraded. Still, I'll post one video of Trevor Davis, an artist who brings up all those emotions I mentioned. I love it when I see passion unfolding on stage, and how it makes me realize my own passions. That is true art. This is not one of his original songs, but a cover was all I could record, as I deemed it necessary to put my phone away for the rest of the show and just listen. Listen to my heartbeat, listen to his voice, listen to the guitar and listen to my humanness. Yes.
Today is just one of those good days, in where I take a look at the rough week I had and realize that I am self-sufficient and spiritual enough to make it through these sorts of weeks like a champ. What I've always liked about me is that I keep the bigger picture in mind, instead of letting sadness consume me.
I love these clarity days, where I take a deep breath of fresh air until I am sufficiently intoxicated with being alive. I'm really just happy being me.
Sometimes I get briefly wrapped up in bad boys, or stressful days at work, or feeling inadequate. Then I snap out of it and tell myself to "cut that shit out."My ultra logical side is one of the best things about me, even though I complain about it sometimes. It's that logic that never lets me stay sad for long.
What I am working on is getting more in touch with my emotional side (as I roll my eyes), which I tend to sweep under the rug. I've been talking with people about the things that have been bugging me, and who woulda thunk? That has helped immensely.
Enough of the psycho-analysis, which I obviously do too much of on this blog. On to why I am looking forward to October, yeah baby yeah!
Foo Fighters Concert--Rock. On.
Turkish Day at Balboa Park--I might have a slight obsession with Turkey, so of course I am looking forward to this fab day where great food and belly dancing are sure to ensue!
Halloween--I've got some ideas for costumes. It's fun to be a kid again.
Dancing naked in my apartment--wait, whaaaa? Don't tell anyone, not even my roommate. Sometimes I'll put on underwear to be more civilized.
Continuing to Be Creative--slowly but surely, I'm sticking to my plan.
Thrill the World--October 29th cities around the world will be doing the Thriller dance all at the same time. I will be joining, most likely dressed as a zombie. I love drawing blood on my face!
Ah, the obligatory happy post after a sad post...a trend I tend to follow in real life. "Oh yeah, guys...yesterday was a bad day. Man, I was bummed. But today is great! I promise."
Well, actually, today is a lot better. Because out of moments of great sorrow come epiphanies, action and resolution. We can't be happy all the time; but more importantly, we can't be sad all the time. So, in a weird way, I kind of like sadness for how it pushes me to do something.
Of course, sadness doesn't just float away in the middle of the night. That bastard tends to hang around as long as he possibly can (yep, I personified sadness as a boy!). So, I'm dealing with some things...aren't we all? But also, I'm making a few changes here and there. I've always been a fix-it kind of gal. Why mope around when instead I can work on changing my disposition?
By the way, I love that a lot of the solutions provided by you, fine readers, involved road trips and international travel. Well heck, you've found the way to my heart. But know who you're talking to! I'll take you up on all those offers!
And yes, I've been talking to people around me. And yes, I've been praying. Thanks for all your wise words. I love getting advice from the blog community!
I don't know of another way to present this feeling, other than sadness. There are a few contributors, I think, but I don't need to go on for 500 words complaining about them here.
It's weird for me to write these words out because I am definitely the type of person to hide my emotions. My dad told me that when I was a child I would go to my room and hide, and then cry that no one was coming to comfort me. Ha. Things are not that different now. Except that I don't cry about the comforting thing, because I know better. I know I should be communicating my sadness, yet I still keep it bottled up for awhile. Maybe to see if it passes? Or maybe just to remain in denial.
It doesn't help that I have still been getting job offers from schools in Turkey from job searching I did months ago. The escape artist in me badly wants to hop on a plane and never look back. While I am not against going back to Turkey someday, I'm not sure now is the time. All the reasons I came back from overseas are still present.
And sometimes I wonder, am I always trying to run from my problems? Maybe I am supposed to be sad a little. Maybe sadness running its course through me has its purpose. Today might just be a sad day. And maybe I just need to accept that--not try to change or manipulate it. I've said it myself--we cannot be happy all the damn time.
And maybe what I'm really craving is a hug. So, I think I shall go tell people non-virtually as well...that's probably the best I can do.
I'm currently reading Strength to Love, and let me tell you, it is one fantastic journey to dive into the mind of the incomparable Martin Luther King Jr.
As I was sifting through some pages this morning, I found one excerpt that really struck me. While MLK was riding up an elevator in New York, he noticed that the thirteenth floor had been removed. He recounts the story:
"On inquiring from the elevator operator the reason for this omission, he said, 'This practice is followed by most large hotels because of the fear of numerous people to stay on the thirteenth floor.' Then he added, 'The real foolishness of the fear is to be found in the fact that the fourteenth floor is actually the thirteenth.'"
A few questions I asked myself here:
What is my thirteenth floor?
Am I afraid of it because I have been socialized to be afraid of it?
What do I use as my fourteenth floor cover-up?
I think this quote says a lot about our society's soft mindedness and willingness to believe anything we are told. MLK is simply asking us to see through the bullshit (paraphrased in less eloquent words).
Do you discern your way to the truth? Or do you choose to be fooled by half-truths?
Typical conversation I partake in with friends/coworkers in monogamous relationships:
Friend: I saw a cute guy the other day. Not for me, but for you! He wasn't wearing a ring!
Me: Alright, well you don't need to do that.
Friend: I'm always looking out for you though.
Me: Oh, great.
I get it. I really do. It comes from a good place, this "looking out for my well being." That is, assuming that my well being equates to having a boyfriend. My roommate put it brilliantly the other day when she said,"The only thing that bugs me about singleness is that other people are bothered by singleness."
YES! PRECISELY!
I think I've written about this many times before, but I'm strange. I'm not your typical dater. I refuse to date just to date. I'm a shameless flirt and a lover of foreign men, but when it comes down to being in relationships, I've really got to fancy you to put the time and energy in, because frankly, that ish is exhausting.
So why are people always trying to stick me in relationships without really trying to find out if it's what I want?
To be honest with you, readers, I'm always more content when I'm purely single. Meaning, when I'm not even thinking of men at all. It's when a crush develops that I ask myself, "Dear God! What is wrong with me? Why am I acting like a lunatic?"
The bottom line of this post: stop assuming that I am sad/lonely/pathetic/desperate/damaged simply because I like being single. If I choose to date, it will be my choice (and probably once in a blue moon). I am not on the prowl for the next warm body to lay next to.
The next time you feel the need to question why I am single and how to "fix it", maybe you should ask yourself why being single is a problem at all, and what that says about you.
One day I will look back at my yester-years and say, "Those were the days I could fit into that dress!" And so, I create posts like this, to remember my silly twenties.
The title? We went to a fancy little bar that sits on top of a hotel.
Churro kept hopping on my lap while I was waiting for Lainey to finish getting ready. So eventually I gave in and let him stay there. I knew a picture was in order.
The bar is about 20 or so stories up. I'm a little afraid of heights so I didn't look over the edge (too much). Below, a blurry pic of San Diego for your enjoyment.
This is a scarier scene in person. Yet, I couldn't resist looking over the edge to scare myself. I'm weird.
I stole Bethany's ring and had to snap a picture to show it's awesomeness. I want one! It's like a sparkly brass knuckle or something.
Recommended through a friend, I watched this movie certain that I would be in for something sad and pitiful. Boy, was I wrong. I've always loved morbid humor (think Beetlejuice) and original plots, to which Wristcutters doesn't let ya down. It's totally sick and twisted, and I sort of adore it. This is a story about the after-world that suicide-rs are committed to post killing themselves, and their search for something more--the whole ride is glorious fun. Furthermore, I'm always a sucker for a movie that shines through its writing, casting and plot rather than its special effects. Hmmm, this may have breached my Top 5 favorite films. Egads! I will have to watch it a couple more times to truly back up such a statement.
2. Shameless Appeals Made to Justin Timberlake
So, I found this gem through a JT tweet (yes, I follow Justin on twitter...so what of it?). If you've EVER been a Justin fan, then you will whole-heartedly agree with every statement made here.
3. A Quote from Strength to Love, a book by Martin Luther King Jr.
"When I speak of love I am not speaking of some sentimental and weak response. I am speaking of that force which all of the great religions have seen as the supreme unifying principle of life. Love is somehow the key that unlocks the door which leads to ultimate reality. This Hindu-Moslem-Christian-Jewish-Buddhist belief about ultimate reality is beautifully summed up in the first epistle of Saint John: 'Let us love one another; for love is God and everyone that loveth is born of God and knoweth God.'"
"Somewhere each day we have to fall in love, with someone, something, some moment, event, phrase. Somehow each day we must allow the softening of the heart. Otherwise our hearts will move inevitably toward hardness. We will move toward cynicism, bitterness, fear and despair. That's where most of the world is trapped and doesn't even know it." -Rohr
I don't want to get stuck in this limbo of always wishing for something else and always wanting to be somewhere else. I mean, gosh, I am 26! I have a lot of vigor, spunk and charm within myself to have a good time, anywhere.
All of this spunk tends to really come out when I'm traveling, but I want to focus that energy here in San Diego as well. Whether I'm in France or California, life has not changed, only the location has changed. Life unfolds the same way everywhere, and I don't want to become complacent simply because I'm so used to this city.
Tying in the quote above, I want to soften my heart all time. Fall in love with life everyday. I'm constantly working on this. Life is about always being in progress.
My mom named me after a soap opera character (I kid you not), from The Young and the Restless. How accurate of my personality! But being restless is not always a bad thing, it's what I choose to do with that restlessness. Do I lay around, like a beached whale, and complain about what's bugging me, or do I go out and do something about it? As Martin Luther King Jr. once said, "Analysis is paralysis." This has quickly become a favorite quote of mine because, LORD, do I over-analyze! There's nothing wrong with thinking, but the question becomes: if thinking is all that I am doing...WHAT AM I ACTUALLY DOING?
So going along with my vow to be more creative, I also want to vow to just do more everyday. It could be as simple as a laugh. But since laughing is the opening up of the soul, that's a day well spent. Even crying brings epiphany and change, so I welcome that too. I'm also attempting to be more cheerful at work, even when things are boring or stagnant.
And along the lines of doing more (although I'm no stranger to travel), I'm planning a trip to NYC in the spring. How do you like them apples?
And in the good spirit of bringing about laughter and smiles, here is a great video that will make you smile. It seems every year cities do a tribute Thriller dance to honor MJ's death. I've GOT to see if this is happening in San Diego, and join if I can. Mwahaha! It will be brilliant!
This is either the Black Sea or the Sea of Marmara. I can't remember because there are an abundance of seas surrounding Turkey!
I made the right decision to come back from Turkey. This I know to be true.
But,
Sometimes I miss it so much.
I miss waking up in the morning and grabbing fresh simit from the street vendors, where they've been making it for centuries, a recipe perfected over time that can't be duplicated.
I miss walking the hustling streets of Istanbul, sometimes laid out in cobblestone, leading to old Roman aqueducts and 1000-year-old walls standing prideful and strong--a reminder of how influential and important this city has been for forever.
I miss the unfinished sidewalks, the cracks in the buildings and the insane disregard for traffic rules--all things that convince this American that chaos can be better than order, imperfection more beautiful than perfect completion.
I miss seeing the Turkish flag splattered across the streets--brushstrokes of red--proudly displayed out of a sense of nationalism I find refreshing, not intrusive or overbearing.
I miss Turkish community, which I can't even put into proper words. I just wish I could be wrapped up in it again. It's maybe the greatest solace I've known.
I miss it.
TopkapıPalace, where there are artifacts alleged to belong to Mohammad.
The AyaSofya (called the Hagia Sofia here) is my favorite building in the entire world. All pictures I have of the inside don't do it any justice. All you need to know is that it's breathtaking.
Ruins in Efes (Ephesus). This is where the Virgin Mary hung out. No big deal or anything.
Cobblestone, my favorite!
I've posted this photo many times before, but I can't help it. This scene instantly makes me smile.
...
Why is it, no matter where I am, I am always missing something, somewhere or someone?
MY DREAM: To one day have a vacation home in Turkey, where I can relish in everything I love for the gloriously warm-you-to-the-bone summer months, then for the rest of the year, come back to America. Why can't I have both? ONE DAY I WILL HAVE BOTH.
As you may have heard, San Diego, Orange County, parts of Arizona and Mexico experienced a major blackout for the better part of yesterday. My heart swelled with joy when I learned of this...
First, because I got to go home early from work (mwahaha).
Second, because I've always believed that we would just be better off without computers, TVs and any other glowing screen that sucks away souls.
The reaction to the blackout was priceless: Some initially panicked, traffic was insane to the point of the police force and military being sent out to direct intersections, and a few accidents occurred.
But as people settled at their houses and got their spare candles out, a sort of blackout "magic" worked its way over San Diego. I'd like to call that magic human interaction. My roommate and I sat out for 3 hours talking, laughing and drinking wine with our neighbors, something I'm not sure we would have done had it not been for the lack of power (those pesky glowing screens). I ventured out on the street and saw the same thing everywhere. People with people. Sitting on their lawns. Talking to their neighbors. It was like we were transported 50+ years in the past, and simpler times were playing out before our eyes like a feel-good film.
I heard a few cheers when the power got turned back on, but secretly I wished for the opposite. Today I'm anticipating people being distracted, yet again, to what's truly important. All to rush off to their phones and computers, and check their facebook notifications. A silly notion when you realize we could just interact with each other in person, here and now, instead.
If there's one complaint I have about San Diego, it's that we don't get enough of it.
I've been thinking about the glorious storms I've seen in Michigan, England and Ireland--sovereign forces that take you by the throat with no mercy. Those kind of storms get me giddy and frightened to the point of goosebumps, just like all the worth-while things in life.
And maybe that's why I adore rain. It reminds me of being human, being a part of the whole. I'm always that girl who forgoes the umbrella in hopes of getting completely drenched, laughing at those scurrying under the false hope of a newspaper or overhang. They hurriedly try to keep themselves put together, while mother nature is begging them to let go of control. Don't they know how good it feels to just let the rain fall down on you? To let your hair get ruined and your make-up smeared?
I have visions of sitting on a porch in Georgia, rocking in my chair as a chorus of rain plays me a symphony. Or of strolling in Paris with a painted sky of gray, because you know that's a city made for a rainy day. Or of dancing in a wild Irish field as the rain accompanies my aloofness.
Are these premonitions? I hope so.
I want the rain and thunder and excitement to sweep into my life soon. I want to twirl as the sky falls around me. I want to be in it.
***
P.S. I wrote this post about a week ago, and guess what? The skies opened up and poured down rain for a good two days this week. Obviously my request was heard! And OBVIOUSLY I took a nice long walk in the rain and it felt oh-soooooo-good.
I definitely listen to music the most when I'm sad. To be all emo about it, art is my therapist when I'm suffering.
Therefore, I'm going to post multiple videos for this entry, to show my therapeutic process:
Phase One: Recognizing Pain
This is the moment you come out of denial and realize that, yes, you are suffering. I've been learning, in my old age, not to run from this feeling, but to let it run it's course in me. This is the mourning period, if you will. Of course, the saddest of songs come out at this stage, such as Sheryl Crow's "My Favorite Mistake," or Otis Redding's "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay." There's also this gem:
Phase Two: Coming Out of Pain
After being all cried out of phase 1, you realize that it's time to move on. This is the period where I'll play hybrid sad songs (sad songs that have an optimistic twist), as a band-aid of sorts. This includes Sam Cooke's "A Change is Gonna Come" ( I love his version the best), Travis's "Side," or my favorite song for this category:
Phase Three: Forgiveness and Closure
Instead of letting my sadness turn into rage, I always try to work on the healthier avenue: forgiveness. My favorite saying on forgiveness is "Not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." Through this last step, I let go of the fantasy, face reality and learn how to truly say farewell. For this, I play such songs as "Last Goodbye" by Jeff Buckley, or my favorite (and a song that has actually taught me how to forgive):
All of these songs have at one time or another brought me to tears. I usually try to hide and hold back tears, but I've been teaching myself to embrace my humanity more often, as to not slowly turn into a robot.
to say, "The Cure, The Smiths and Morrisey all sound eerily alike!" To which my coworker replied, "You know Morrisey is the lead singer of The Smiths, right?" Ohhhhhhhhhh...lightbulb! Shows how much I know about my 80s music. I'm a Motown girl, anyway. (Although, when I'm in the right mood, the Smiths are perfecto).
to proclaim this truth: that smart phones are OFFCIALLY making the world dumber, socially inept and increasingly impolite.
to want to have a modern-day bra burning. Not for any political reasons, but because this damn bra is bugging the hell out of me right now. And fire is awesome.
for your friends to conclude that you are a typical Turkish warrior always trying to take over the world. This was decided from my fascination with swords and those weapons that you swing around in the air that have spiky balls. Btw, it's totally acceptable to describe a weapon as "the one with the spiky balls."
And hey, my friend Ryan was inspired by me (awesome) and started his own series similar to my Perfectly Acceptable Ashley. Don't mind me, I'm a trendsetter and all :)
Just like I love seeing a day in the life where all of you fine people are, I also love sharing a day in my life.
In lieu of the fact that I can't be visiting France every month, how convenient is it to have our own mock French cafes in San Diego? It makes me mighty happy. So without further ado (how do you like that spelling, Emily?), I give you pictures:
I'm always in a tremendously good mood when I get to wear my favorite red dress. So much so that it was completely appropriate to pose on the street corner like a little tart!
Lavender lemonade really is a little piece of heaven on earth...hmmm...must find out how to make a homemade recipe. I'm sure it's embarrassingly simple to make!
The last couple pictures were taken in the dressing room of a little boutique, where I succumbed to buying an overpriced room spray called "An Afternoon in Versailles," because it smelled so good, and I love Versailles so much!
I was about to write a post about how this computer is sucking out my soul, how I hate technology and how I want to just run outside and roll around in the grass. You know, the typical "I'm feeling trapped...wahhhh!" post.
Then I stopped myself--THANK GOD--of sparing you all the complaints that have been piling up in my mind. Since when have I complained so much? We've heard it a million times before, but it's so true: focusing too much on the negative makes your world negative (I'm saying this through gritted teeth as I roll my eyes, of course).
But OH GODDDDDD...if I don't start realizing how unbelievably lucky/privileged/spoiled I am soon, I'm shipping my ass on the next plane to Thailand so I can see what it's like to be a young girl sold as a sex-slave, which will REALLY give me something to complain about.
All of this to simply tell myself to SHUT UP. You're being a brat, Ashley, and you best start appreciating all the riches you have before you. You pain in the ass.
Oh, we're still doing this challenge? Oh right, ok...
It's funny to choose a Simon and Garfunkel song for this category. Because Simon, and his sidekick Garfunkel, are always...so...depressing. And emotional. And DRAMATIC.
But I don't know what it is about this song. I love playing it on sunny days, to match my sunny disposition. And I think I figured out why.
This song is about accepting things they way they are, even if there's a bit of a melancholy acceptance there. I know the background on the lyrics, and it's detailing the break-up of the duo that is Simon and Garfunkel. But Simon sings with such a positive perspective that you realize--he knows it's time for a change.
I believe that true happiness comes from accepting change, from knowing there are seasons in life, and being at peace with knowing you won't always be mind-blowingly happy all year round. Simon gets that. In his lyrics, in his tone, he understands. He sings, "Half of time we're gone but we don't know where, we don't know where..."
And, I love the line: "I get the news I need on the weather report...hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile..."
I'm smiling too. Not everything is perfect. Not every day is journal-worthy. Still, I've got happiness here. I've got peace here.
