Alright, So I Have Nothing Figured Out, But Life is Still Sweet

I'm not a lost little puppy, but I'm in my twenties. I think that speaks for itself...

I was having a conversation about this "being in my twenties" business with an older, wiser co-worker of mine. Sometimes the pressure of everyone else seemingly knowing what the hell they're doing brings out insecurities within me. But I know better: most people my age don't really know what they're doing. There's a lot of pretending going on, but not a lot of knowing.

I turned to Dani, my coworker, and said "I don't know what I'm doing! I don't know anything."

"Of course you don't. You're 26. You're not supposed to know anything. I'm 40, and I still don't know that much," Dani replied.

It felt good acknowledging this feeling of not knowing jack shit. Furthermore, it felt even better realizing that it's okay to not know jack shit. I'M IN MY TWENTIES! I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!! Alright, so maybe you are in your twenties and you feel like you know a lot. But you and I are different. Every experience is unique to one's own path. Right now, I am quite content with being the student, not the teacher. And why the heck was I trying to be the teacher before?

So Sunday, I had a day of driving and self-reflection. By the way, "Dry the Rain" by the Beta Band may be one of the best driving songs in the world (thanks High Fidelity).

I let go of my pseudo-plans that day, cause I'm trying to practice this whole 'letting life happen' mentality. Baby steps. It felt so very euphoric to follow the breeze and drive down random streets. And it hit me, life is sweet. Planning life too much makes everything stagnant and mediocre. Too often, I miss out on the sweetness of life because I'm not paying attention to where I am. I often try to recreate the past, or build the future. When am I ever trying to just be in the here and now?

It's cliche, I know. But it's one thing to know something and it's another to live something.

And that also means living through every emotion, even the ones that don't include a smile or laugh. Because those times where you are sobbing so hard it weighs out your thoughts, or you're so angry you want to throw a brick through a pane of glass--those emotions are sweet as well, for they bring clarity.

So I'm gonna try and live the sweet life more often, no matter where I am. La Dolce Vita, indeed.

Made You Laugh

Just a compilation of pictures that may or may not amuse you...from the archives of my everyday life...

Does my fortune know something about my sexuality that I don't?

Weapons. On the wall of a bar. Somehow I think this may be a bad idea. Note: they are medieval torture weapons.

Little Gnome Dude is sort of freaky.

Signs like this just make me laugh. ZAP!

PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals

This is an actual interior of a car. That little chain thingy on the left? The steering wheel.

Proof that too much wine may kill you :)

I found Quail Man on Halloween!!

It's a fun day when Domo shows up on your computer (drawn unbeknown to me by a coworker's boyfriend)

The best kind.

Hmmm...I may make this a series on my blog. Cause it's really easy to find crap like this everyday!

Music Challenge, Day 24: A Song That You Want to Play At Your Funeral

Back to the music challenge! I need to finish this bad boy...

(that's what she said)

So, my funeral. Well, that's a morbid thought, and I hadn't actually thought of what song I wanted played at my death bed. Who thinks of these things? But, I believe I chose a good one. I don't think I have to explain my choice. Enjoy:

The Challenge so far:

day 01 - your favorite song

day 02 - your least favorite song

day 03 - a song that makes you happy

day 04 - a song that makes you sad

day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone

day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere

day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event

day 08 - a song that you know all the words to

day 09 - a song that you can dance to

day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep

day 11 - a song from your favorite band

day 12 - a song from a band you hate

day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure

day 14 - a song that nobody would expect you to love

day 15 - a song that describes you

day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate
day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio

day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio

day 19 - a song from your favorite album
day 20 - a song that you listen to when you're angry
day 21 - a song that you listen to when you're happy

day 22 - a song that you listen to when you're sad

day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding

Quote of the Day:

"Whenever I blame someone else for the problems in my life, I consequently make myself powerless to change or fix that problem. As long as I think the problem is outside of me, I've abdicated any possibility that I can make that situation better...there is nothing more powerful than taking personal responsibility for your life." --Erwin McManus

We must take ownership of our lives and recognize our part in the problem, so that we can make a change. I love, love, love this quote.

And with that...have a smashing Thanksgiving, all!

Gettin' Schooled

Yesterday morning, I felt sort of blah. I rolled out of bed and stepped into the typical routine. After haphazardly dabbing on a bit of blush, I shuffled out of the door. Another robotic day...

And then I remembered, "Today is the first day of school!" Surely, a eureka moment.

I logged into my Master's course (I'm forced to take it online, unfortunately). I saw that I had assignments due, readings, discussion topics and a quiz at the end of the week.

With a knowing smile I realized I didn't need artificial blush that morning--the color returned to my cheeks naturally. I was back in my element.

I may complain in the coming months about assignments, but it's only a lapse in judgment. Pay no attention to any whinging as it is simply human error. For I am happiest when I am at the threshold of knowledge, the hungriest of subjects at the king's dinner table of learning.

(Excuse the cheese factor, but I am truly excited about school).

I'm ready. It's been too long.

“When evening comes, I return home and go into my study. On the threshold I strip off my muddy, sweaty, workday clothes, and put on the robes of court and palace, and in this graver dress I enter the antique courts of the ancients and am welcomed by them, and there I taste the food that alone is mine, and for which I was born. And there I make bold to speak to them and ask the motives of their actions, and they, in their humanity, reply to me. And for the space of four hours I forget the world, remember no vexation, fear poverty no more, tremble no more at death: I pass indeed into their world.”

--Machiavelli

4 Resons Why I'm Smiling This Fine Friday

1. I booked a trip to Texas to visit my buddy Andy in January. Look out San Antonio, I'm coming for ya! I haven't left San Diego in 6 or 7 months, so this is much needed.

2. My roommate's friend (who got married fairly young) visited us a few weeks ago, and had this to say about Lainey and me: "I admire those girls for supporting themselves completely. They don't feel the need to jump into marriage, or ask a man to support them. They do it all on their own! They don't even need marriage." THAT'S RIGHT, GIRL. Now, that's not to say that I'll never get married...who knows? What I do know is, I am able to support myself, on my own, until the day I die. There is something very powerful in knowing that I'm a badass who is able to take care of herself.

3. I'm starting a Master's program at the school I work for...on Monday! Whew! This will keep me majorly occupied, which I am happy about, because I get so DAMN BORED! Guess I won't be so bored anymore...

4. I finally started Turkish classes last night! For awhile I was the only person signed up, but now I have a friend...we have all of two people in our class. As I suspected, the first class was quite hard, as they used the immersion technique. Anyone who has heard Turkish probably knows that pronunciation is the most difficult part of the language. So hopefully I get better each week!

Well, have a good weekend all...for the reasons stated above, things are going well (and busy) for me. Yee haw! (you know, for Texas)

The Downside and Upside to Being Pure of Heart

I've always failed at bluffing.

Any card game that requires a well-told lie I can never play well. My opponent sees right through my supposed rigid upper lip. A smile always breaks and I am found out.

Times that I've tried to lie, I've always ended up telling the truth. This is the result of a strong conscience, a good dose of Catholic guilt, and an uneasiness I get in my stomach when I'm doing the wrong thing.

My heart is pure.

The downside to this is that I welcome a lot of people into my heart, to take up a room and make a home there. This sometimes invites the sleaziest of people, who have no other intentions but servicing their own wants. I am left crushed and wondering what went wrong, why I ever trusted them, and how I didn't see their true character before.

The upside is that, ultimately, I attract others who are pure of heart. We find each other through the mess of vultures, thieves and crooks that hungrily surround. I have a good list of pure-of-hearters that have been my friends for years now. They've stuck it out through the ugly and the heart-breaking.

And how do you find a pure-of-hearter?

Easy. By how they treat others. More importantly, how they treat others when things are not going their way. I've seen plenty of seemingly good people turn vicious and bloodsucking when the "world is coming down" on them. They blame everyone else for their troubles, which frequently, they have caused themselves.

It's almost a curse, this honest heart of mine. But then again I wouldn't, couldn't live another way.

"How did they find me here

What do they want from me
All of these vultures hiding
Right outside my door
I hear them whispering
They're trying to ride it out
Cause they've never gone this long
Without a kill before...

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me, testing me..."

Raiding My Mom's Closet

The little snoop that I am, I was going through my mom's dresser drawers and closet about a week ago when I stumbled across some of her old threads!

Whether you like to call 'em old, retro, or vintage, I love finding garments from decades past. It really goes without saying that most clothes from the past were made better than the sweat-shopped clothes we find today (that tend to fall apart in a couple years time, it seems).

Also, my mama had style! (Refer to picture below).

She was quite glamourous, no?(Also, that's my dad, see the resemblance?)

I was happy to find out that I could fit in my mom's old clothes, so I begged her to have them. Two new editions to my closet!

It's funny because these sweaters have come back in full force!

A wavy ring that belonged to my American grandmother.

A necklace (with a picture of my sister and I--we are 20 years apart) from my Turkish grandmother.

A shirt with cute detail that I often wear to work. My boss asked if I had made it cause the stitching was so good. Nah, clothes were just better back in the day!

The awesome part: I didn't have to pay a cent for any of these great new items! Score!

Still Believing the Best in People (Despite the Not-So-Great Days)

Oh man. It's a bad day when you realize who's a true friend and who's not.

I get it. That's life. Not everyone is genuine. Not everyone cares.

There are days when I still feel too naive for my age. I always believe the very best in people. So stupid, Ash...

...Cause here I am, feeling dumb. Too often I trust in people who speak beautiful things, but who can never back that up with beautiful actions. Is my judge of character off, or something? But I will go ahead and say that I'm not dumb. I never had ill-intentions, and I never told half-truths. My sincerity is in tact. I am still that genuine being I strive to be.

I just want to say, without complication, that this hurts. In the end, I've still lost a friend that I thought would be a friend for a lifetime.

And so, it's time to just let go...

And What Have We Gained (Besides This New iPhone)?

This quote embodies all of the thoughts I've had as I watch a spinning globe, tilting out of control, trying to keep up with an increasingly faster-paced way of life:

"You call your thousand material devices 'labor-saving machinery,' yet you are forever 'busy.' With the multiplying of your machinery you grow increasingly fatigued, anxious, nervous, dissatisfied. Whatever you have, you want more; and wherever you are you want to go somewhere else...

You have a machine to dig the raw material for you...a machine to manufacture...a machine to transport...a machine to sweep and dust, one to carry messages, one to write, one to talk, one to sing, one to play, one to vote, one to sew...and a hundred others to do a hundred other things for you, and still you are the most nervously busy man in the world...your devices are neither time-saving or soul-saving machinery."

This quote was written over 40 years ago, and is even truer today. Machines have invaded our lives. We're taught that we need them to survive, as you've heard some half-jokingly say, "I can't live without my phone!"

The list of 'machines' is nearly endless: iPhones (for which I'm guilty), televisions, computers, mini-computers, online classes (this disturbs me greatly), and so on and so on.

We've essentially gained the whole world, right? Electronically we are impressive. But what is the cost? It's no enigma that crumbling community has been on the rise with all the added technology. When a computer becomes the go-to confidant over a human, there is a tragedy unfolding before us.

What I am getting at, and what the above quote is getting at, is not the abundance of machines; but rather, the loss of our souls because of it.

***

Often times, I know my rants are harsh and edging on absolute. I've become grumpier in my old age. Even when I pull a time travel on my blog and visit posts past, there is a bright-eyed, more optimistic Ashley to be found. While I like to still think I have some optimism, I've lost a lot of my 'there's beauty to be found in everything' attitude...

I'd like to go back to that place, I think.

Perfectly Acceptable Ashley

It's sooooo acceptable:

• To snicker when I notice girls struggling to walk in ridiculous heels. Listen, chick-a-dee, that ain't natural. It's no wonder you can barely walk.

• to take whip cream shots. You know, right out of the canister. Suddenly I feel like a third-grader.

• to love facial hair on men. Am I the only one? It's just...so...manly. Men...start a revolution! Grow out that awesome facial hair! *wink*

• to adore this:

Favorite Thing Thursday:

What started out as writing about my favorite things has become a gratitude list of sorts. It's all a good reminder for me that life is brilliant, and you've got to get your head out of the sand to notice the brilliance of it all.

Here are a few of my favorite things...

1. Learning new languages

So excited! My Turkish class starts tonight! And really, I think learning new languages should be implemented early on in American schools (think elementary school). We are far behind other countries in this realm. I often meet people from other countries that speak 3 different languages. And I speak...um...one. Yeahhhhhhh. Let's fix that!

2. Halloween!

I went for a sort of china doll costume.

My dress was found in a thrift store, and is originally from the 60s. Lainey is dressed as a sweet lil' gypsy.

Our friend Henry met up with us. Notice the soap on the rope he's carrying around? I took the liberty of stealing that soap and throwing it on the ground all throughout the night. I'm amused by simple things.

3. Finding Robots in Everyday Life

Another robot soldier I can recruit to help me take over the world and implement my evil plan...I mean, what?

Going and Going Strong

Ahhhhhh.

Hear that? That's the sound of Ashley breathing easy.

I want to say that the past two months have been particularly challenging for me. Being sad is a perpetual feeling. It grows upon itself, like a fast-moving disease, attacking all the functions of the body, until you've even forgotten how to smile.

However...

I've made a turn-around. I've found myself dreaming big again. You know, the kind of dreaming big you do when you're five, when you think anything is possible, including floating off to the moon in a hot air balloon.

I've been smiling a lot more. And telling jokes in that nerdy Ashley way. And eating ice cream.

I think this transformation happened when I realized, really realized, that I'm not actually trapped. It's about realizing that there are options and ways out, no matter what the circumstance is. It even helps to write down those options, so they are staring back you and calling out your name, "Ashley! Ashley! Pick me! Take this path!"

To which you can reply, "I just might!"

Not that I spend my nights talking to paper. *ahem*

I get that this is a process that takes time, but some weights have been lifted. I'm feeling good.

***

I'll end with a knowing smile and the infallible words of Dr. Suess, who I am convinced wrote Oh The Places You'll Go! more for adults than for children:

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done...

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!